Meet The New Boss

Meet Mike Johnson, the new Speaker of the House. He sounds like a real sweetheart if you like to cuddle with Nazis.

After so many failed attempts to install a Speaker after Republicans (not Democrats) removed Kevin McCarthy, Republicans had to resort to someone nobody knows all that well. Mark who? Oh, wait. It’s Mike. Right? Louisiana Representative Mike Johnson will now try to prevent becoming the worst Speaker in the history of Congress, which he’d have to surpass Kevin McCarthy to accomplish. According to reports, Johnson wasn’t stupid enough to make the same stupid deals Kevin made. Kevin wanted to be Speaker more than Johnson did. After one failed candidate after another, and another, and another, Johnson seemed to come out of nowhere.

MAGA cartoonist Steve Kelley defended the fact that Johnson is the least experienced Speaker in history by comparing him to President Biden, the most experienced president in history, overlooking that President Biden is doing a great job as president. If anything, Steve should compare Johnson to the least experienced and worst president (sic) in history, Donald Trump.

But golly-gee wilikers, Johnson sure does look like a nice guy. His hair is parted to the side, he’s very clean-cut, and he’s always smiling. Plus, he appears to be a good Christian fellow, right? Yeah, if you consider a good Christian fellow someone who wants to overthrow our democracy to install a theocracy.

Ya’ see, kids. Mr. Johnson is a fundamentalist religious zealot. He’s so far to the Christian right that he was good friends with Amy Coney Barrett before she was installed into the Supreme Court by Putin’s choice of an American president (sic). Hey, kids…let’s get to know Mr. Mike Johnson.

Mr. Johnson doesn’t just want to outlaw gay marriage. He wants to criminalize gay behavior. He once wrote, “States have many legitimate grounds to proscribe same-sex deviate sexual intercourse” and that striking down sodomy laws was opening “Pandora’s Box.” He also wrote that homosexuality is “inherently unnatural” and a “dangerous lifestyle.” He compared gay marriage to people marrying their pets.

Mr. Johnson once opposed a campaign that was anti-bullying gay kids. He’s afraid if gay kids aren’t bullied that they’ll think there’s something normal and acceptable about being gay and before you know it, they’ll marry a goldfish. Mr. Johnson introduced his own “Don’t Say Gay” bill in the House of Representatives. The bill would have banned drag shows in libraries nationwide.

Mr. Johnson is in a covenant marriage which makes it extremely difficult to get a divorce.

Mr. Johnson wants a national ban on abortion. When Republicans talk about state rights with abortion, they’re lying. Mr. Johnson, pay attention, kids, has sponsored THREE bills in Congress that would put doctors in prison for performing abortions.

On the National Environmental Scorecard, the League of Conservation Voters gave Mr. Johnson a score of 2 out of 100. Mr. Johnson believes the climate is changing but it’s not the fault of humans and questions science. He has received more money from the oil and gas industry than from any other. He believes that living near wind turbines causes depression, and cognitive dysfunction, and will make confused people want to marry a goldfish.

Mr. Johnson wants to put prayer into public schools and get rid of the Constitutional provision on the separation of church and state, you know, the First Amendment. Why is it always self-described so-called Constitutionalists who want to fuck the Constitution?

Mr. Johnson has proposed cutting Medicare and Social Security. Don’t let anyone gaslight you on this, because they love gas. Johnson helped draft budget resolutions that called for $2 trillion in Medicare cuts, $3 trillion in Medicaid and Affordable Care Act cuts (which he also voted to repeal), and $750 billion in Social Security cuts. In 2018, Johnson said that entitlement reform is his “number one priority” and that cuts to Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and interest on the debt have to “happen yesterday because they are an existential threat to the American experiment.” He also uses entitlements to make his case for a national abortion ban, saying that if it wasn’t for abortion, more people would be here paying into entitlement programs.

Mr. Johnson voted to support Donald Trump’s Muslim ban. He also voted to cut immigration and refugee services.

Mr. Johnson wants to cut all aid to Ukraine.

Despite the Mueller Report stating, “The president (sic) launched public attacks on the investigation and individuals involved in it who could possess evidence adverse to the president (sic), while in private, the president (sic) engaged in a series of targeted efforts to control the investigation,” Trump’s attempt to fire Special Counsel Robert Mueller, pressure then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions to limit the investigation before firing him, and refusing to give testimony to the Special Counsel, Mr. Johnson said, “President (sic) Trump cooperated fully with the Special Counsel Mueller investigation.”

Mr. Johnson served on Trump’s legal defense team for both of his impeachments and told White House officials to ignore congressional subpoenas as “legitimate executive privilege in legal immunity.”

Mr. Johnson voted against the creation of a committee to investigate the January 6 attack on the Capitol by Trump’s white nationalist terrorists.

Mr. Johnson voted to overturn the 2020 election and helped Trump promote The Big Lie that he won. Mr. Johnson has yet to declare that President Joe Biden won the 2020 election fairly and legally. Mr. Johnson, from Louisiana, signed on to the Texas Attorney General’s legal challenge to Pennsylvania’s electoral votes. Mr. Johnson voted against certifying the 2020 presidential election.

And if I haven’t sold how much of a troglodyte Mr. Johnson is to you yet, he also wants to ban weed, even for medicinal purposes, and has stated that marijuana is a “gateway drug.”

Donald Trump said that Mr. Johnson is going to be a “fantastic Speaker”

Matt Giggity Gaetz, the one whose fault it is that there was a Speaker crisis (and NOT Democrats) said, “If you don’t think that moving from Kevin McCarthy to MAGA Mike Johnson shows the ascendance of this movement and where the power in the Republican Party truly lies, then you’re not paying attention.”

Don’t worry, Giggity. We’re paying attention.

Creative note: I did fuck this cartoon up and labeled the podium with “Mark,” not “Mike” Johnson. I realized it when I was about to tweet it and saw that #MarkJohnson was not trending. Unfortunately, I had already sent the three files of this cartoon (which I send for every cartoon) to my clients. I scrambled quickly to repair it and sent the corrected version. I heard from two clients who said they never would have noticed until readers would have informed them. They probably hate that as much as I do.

Update: From Comic Strip of the Day, I discovered I put the “Mark” version on this site before I destroyed it. Why did I do that? Ugh.

Music note: I listened to the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs.

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Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There is one copy of my book in stock, which goes for $45.00, signed. Also, I have a few copies of my first book from 1997 (these are the last there will ever be), Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

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