Speaker Of The House

Cheeto Decontamination Unit


cjones10122016

Do you eat Cheetos? Well, probably a lot less over the past year than you used to. Suddenly, I’ve lost any desire for them. But I have eaten more than my share of Cheetos in my life. The one thing you learn is that they’re messy.

You get that processed Cheeto cheese dust on your fingers. It’s not a light dusting. It’s caked on. You can’t multitask while eating them as you’ll get that gunk on your keyboard, phone, children, pets, other peoples’ hands, your drawing paper, etc. You can’t just lick it off either. Even a Beagle can’t successfully lick it all off your fingers (I’ve tried this). It takes some scrubbing, preferably with soap. Think a small bag of Cheetos is gunky? Imagine you just rolled around with a 236 lb. Cheeto.

Paul Ryan needs a Cheeto Decontamination Unit to clean him of the funk he embraced not so long ago.

After Trump won the Republican nomination Speaker of the House Paul Ryan refused to endorse him and said “he wasn’t there yet.” Then he got there. Then Trump’s “locker-room-talk” tape came out and Ryan wondered why he ever went there. If Republicans weren’t aware of who and what Donald Trump is then they’re not the people we want running the country. These guys are predicting Iran will break the nuclear agreement but they lacked the foresight to see that a tape would be released of Donald Trump boasting about “grabbing p***y.”

Ryan called a meeting of House Republicans and said they need to do whatever they need to save their seats (literally and figuratively). This means the national party will be pulling much of their funding away from Trump to focus on down-ballot elections, such as congressional seats, senators, and governors. This has upset Tycoon Cheeto. While Trump Cheetos is crack to some others have developed an allergy. Some Republicans are in seats and states where it won’t hurt them by being aligned with Trump. Others, like Senators Pat Toomey in Pennsylvania hasn’t endorsed Trump and John McCain in Arizona is “unendorsing” him. In fact, 87 out of 331 Republican governors, senators, and congressional representatives are not endorsing Trump.

Yesterday Trump went into another Twitter tirade but this time the aim of his vitriol wasn’t Mexicans, Elizabeth Warren, pageant queens, or Rosie O’Donnell. It was his fellow Republicans. He said they’re not as loyal as Democrats. He doesn’t need them. John McCain was groveling for his help in his Senate primary. Speaker Ryan is weak and ineffective, and now without their help he’s “unshackled.”

He’s “unshackled?” You mean to tell me all this time he’s been inhibited? He’s been holding back? He’s restrained himself? What the hell does Trump, the guy threatening to throw his opponent in jail, consider “unshackled?” Is he going to drop an N-bomb? Refer to Hillary as the C-word? Talk about the size of her butt? Promise to outlaw tacos?

Speaker Ryan hasn’t unendorsed Trump. He wants it both ways. He doesn’t want to be seen with the guy while also not disavowing him. This is the same practice, attitude, and irresponsibility that gave them the likes of Donald Trump and how they have a second layer of orange Cheeto dust stuck to themselves.

They should have condemned the guy in 2009 when he started his birther campaign, yet the cowards that they are, they didn’t want to anger the racist base of their party. Instead they chose to milk it for all it was worth and screamed with them about “taking our country back” from the black guy who stole it from them. Now they’ll not only lose an opportunity to take the White House, but they’ll lose the Senate, and they’re in danger of losing control of the House.

I told you, that Cheeto funk really sticks.

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Paul Ryan The Speaker Guy


cjones06302016

I’m kinda disgusted with myself. I feel icky for drawing Larry The Cable Guy, a testament to America’s rejection of intellectualism and a tribute to lowbrow humor and stupidity. I feel all sorts of nasty because I googled quotes from Larry The Cable Guy as I was going to use one for this cartoon and then I decided not to as too many focus on farting. Finally, after reading all the Larry poop jokes I must have lost a few brain cells as I was on the verge of texting copy editor friends of mine with “is it ‘Get ‘Er Done'” or ‘Get-R-Done?'”. All that’s missing is some Luke Bryan music playing in the background (Luke Bryan’s a country singer, right? I can’t Google anymore stupid tonight).

I need a shower but I probably don’t need one as much as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s going to after speaking at the Republican National Convention next month in Cleveland.

Before Ryan endorsed Trump he said if Trump didn’t want him at the convention he was cool with it. It probably went down like “really! I’m cool with it. I’ll be fine. I’ll find something else to do. It’s all good. Just go on without me. Seriously.” But then the idiot went and endorsed Trump the same day he described some of Trump’s words as “racist,” and got himself back into that stinky convention commitment. Try worming your way out of it now, Mr. Speaker.

Trump has been reaching a lot of voice mails lately. He’s calling people to speak at the convention and a lot of them aren’t answering, or they’re changing their numbers, burning their phones, going off the grid, going MIA. Seriously, has anyone seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? He’ll be back.

Chris Christie will attend but there’s probably catering (that’s not entirely a fat joke as I myself have attended some messed-up stuff for a buffet. I have probably attended 17 Rotarian meetings where the speaker was Trent Lott every. single. time. I’m a newspaper person and we’ll go anywhere for a free sandwich). Newt Gingrich will be there but he’s always selling a book or something (this year it’s a pop-up and the reviews have been amazing. I made that up…about the pop-up and the reviews). Usually congressmen are clawing over each other for a speaking spot. This year they’re running away as if Trump had a leprosy Chlamydia combo going. It’s Chlamydprosy. You don’t want that. It’s hard enough getting people near you as a Republican.

Trump has also stated that if people don’t endorse him, specifically the former GOP candidates like Ted Cruz and John Kasich, that they shouldn’t be allowed to speak at the convention. That might bother Ted Cruz because he’s an attention whore, but John Kasich seems fine with it. He doesn’t need to make the long hour-long slog from Columbus to Cleveland in July. He’s probably already sent the “you do you” text.

Did you think it got weird in 2012 at the McCain/Palin convention when Clint Eastwood talked to a chair? Wait until Ted Nugent reads a love poem to an Uzi.

Traditionally every Republican party leader attends the convention and speaks. Trey Gowdy’s going to the beach and Mark Sanford is walking on a trail. Mitt Romney’s staying home to count his car elevators. John McCain can’t think of a worse place to be, and he was a POW. If there’s a tarnished former president like Richard Nixon, they kinda shove him aside and don’t speak of him. But traditionally former presidents show up. Neither George H.W. or George W. Bush aren’t attending. This is the first time not going to a party is George W. Bush’s choice.

This pretty much leaves speaking at the convention to the likes of Mike Ditka, Bobby Knight, Dana White (he runs that UFC stuff), Tom Brady (he’s a maybe), Brian France (who runs NASCAR which is kind of a sport), and Mike Tyson who’s not even capable of speaking. We’ll probably also be treated to appearances by Sarah Palin and Chachi.

Have you ever seen the warm up acts for a Trump speech? Yesterday in Maine the warm up guy was doing a racist imitation of Native Americans while calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” Look forward to three full days of that.

Did anyone invite Carrot Top? He was a last-second addition to this cartoon. I know he’s working Vegas but he’s probably available for $300 and a bus ticket. Someone should call him and “get ‘er done.”

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Saving Speaker Ryan


cjones10222015 Paul Ryan told his Republican colleagues that he will be Speaker of the House if they all get along, don’t challenge him, elect him unanimously, kiss his butt, stop being such turds in general, act like adults, make every Tuesday spaghetti Tuesday, make Talk Like A Pirate Day a national holiday, and abide by the often ignored rule that if you bring bubble gum then you better bring enough bubble gum for everybody.

Then he rode off on a great white Unicorn.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. The starving cartoonist appreciates it.

 

House Of Chaos


cjones10102015

There has been no shortage of cartoon issues this week. Between Russia in Syria, Hillary taking a position, Ben Carson’s stupidity and Thursday Congressman Kevin McCarthy surprised everyone by removing himself from becoming Speaker of the House.

The crazies that make up the Teapublican wing of the party in Congress has made the Speaker job a position no rational person wants to deal with. Congress needs someone who can do the business of government but the Tea Party wackos truly want someone who will disrupt government, make politics out of every issue and refuse to work with the president. These are the people who want to shut down the government.

They don’t make up the majority of the party but they are enough of them to disrupt the government, and curtail a rational person from getting enough vote from becoming Speaker.

There is speculation the real reason McCarthy stepped aside is because he has been having an affair with a fellow member of Congress. Since the affair is only speculation I don’t want to contribute to rumors that McCarthy, who’s married, has been having an affair with a female member of Congress, who’s also married, thus making it an affair. So let’s not speak of this affair business anymore. Though earlier this week another Republican Congressman wrote a letter to the GOP conference chairman that any member who’s done any misdeeds, like having an affair, since becoming a member of Congress, thus embarrassing themselves (with an affair), should not run for Speaker. That would cover something like an affair. But again, let’s not speculate on anyone having an affair.

The Republicans will find someone willing to take the job. The trick is to find someone smart enough not to take the job, but guilt him into taking the job anyway. Jason Chaffetz, the guy who embarrassed himself and got his butt handed to him at the hearing over Planned Parenthood, wants the job. That guy can’t even read a graph correctly or validate it’s authenticity. Sure, he should be in charge. The Democrats are loving this.

As a citizen I want this to settle down. I want Congress to select a rational speaker who will conduct the business of government and finds common ground with the president and the opposing party in Congress (even Gingrich did that). As a cartoons I want them to select the craziest bomb thrower there is that goes so bad it taints the GOP’s presidential aspirations. What a cartoonist wants is never good for anybody.

I have drawn my share of holiday-cliche cartoons throughout my 25-year career. The past few years I’ve done a good job of avoiding them. It’s my attempt to be original, irreverent, interesting…not boring. I am bored with drawing Cupids, Santas, Christmas trees and turkeys. You always see a thousand cartoons of sitting on Santa’s lap, a turkey about to get his head chopped off, the Ground Hog, and trick er treaters. Halloween is a lot harder to avoid because the imagery is a lot more fun than other holidays. So I gave you a few treaters today but I think I made up for it by throwing in a Wookie.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. The starving cartoonist appreciates it.

Meet The New Boss


cjones10032015

Same as the old boss.

What’s a gaffe in Washington? When a politician accidentally speaks the truth.

Examples are Republicans admitting that voter ID laws are only created to decrease votes for Democrats, or when Mitch McConnell admitted Senate and House Republicans only interest was to make Obama a one-term president. Then there was that time on the campaign trail Mitt Romney said he didn’t care about the 47% (because they felt they were victims and were entitled to the government for free stuff).

Good politics doesn’t always equal good government.

California congressman Kevin McCarthy is probably going to replace John Boehner as Speaker of the House. What he said Wednesday isn’t really a gaffe or a freudian slip (saying something you’re thinking that you shouldn’t say) since he meant to say it, which he later tried to clarify. He stated that the Benghazi investigations, which they created a special committee for, is part of a strategy to destroy Hillary Clinton politically. Well we knew that. It’s just surprising that big mouth actually fessed up to it.

His actual quote is “Everybody thought Hillary Clinton was unbeatable, right? But we put together a Benghazi special committee, a select committee. What are her numbers today? Her numbers are dropping. Why? Because she’s untrustable. But no one would have known any of that had happened, had we not fought.”

I wonder if Republicans get the irony where he says we can’t trust Hillary Clinton while he admits they’re wasting government money on personal vendettas.

Right now Hillary is sending probably sending him an Amazon gift card as a gift for his new office. Thanks for the new right-wing conspiracy.

Of course politics is always played in government and legislating but at some point our elected officials should actually attempt to legislate. Stop all the pointless investigations into Benghazi, email and Planned Parenthood and stop wasting time trying to vote out Obamacare. Stop wasting our money on your frivolous little adventures.

I started to put a label on John Boehner but I didn’t like the way it looked. Besides, he’s orange. He’s smoking a cigarette. Screw it. The readers should know it’s John Boehner. I’m really going to miss drawing him. All I’ve done over the past few years was draw an orange Bob Dole with a cigarette.

Have you ever seen the Speaker’s gavel? It’s symbolically huge. It’s like Thor’s hammer here and Kevin McCarthy isn’t worthy.

I’m gonna try something new for a while:

About a year ago I set up a tip bucket (it’s on the right side of this page). About a week after setting it up someone actually gave me a tip. Cool. Since then, nothing else. Aw.

Several months ago I allowed WordPress to put ads on my page. I figured nobody would look at them. I never look at ads. I kill them on news pages as soon as possible. They’re annoying. But somebody must be looking at them. WordPress surprised me yesterday and deposited a payment into my Paypal account. I was impressed. Not impressed with the amount of the payment but just the mere fact there was one. This website has now officially paid for itself (though not for the time and maintenance, just the costs).

A friend who looks at this website every single day said “hey, you should put up a tip bucket.” I said there is a tip bucket. She had never noticed it before. So maybe nobody’s seeing it.

I don’t like asking for money. I have never advertised it. Nobody owes me anything and I’m glad you’re reading the cartoons for free. But it’s hard to eat when nobody pays you. Right now I am making my living on newspapers mailing me tiny monthly checks. Occasionally I get a commissioned assignment to create a cartoon or illustration for a publication. Some of my clients are very lackadaisical about putting a check in the mail. Most of them get around to it but sometimes they wait three months, or longer and they need a nudge. Enough whining.

If you want show appreciation financially and you have a few bucks, anything contributed is appreciated. It’s appreciated a LOT. I know most people can’t and a lot of my readers are scraping by themselves.  But all contributions won’t just feed me and a Beagle and go toward rent. It will also go toward pens, paper and other assorted art and computer supplies. I’m not going to go on a shopping spree even though I my Converse have holes and I haven’t bought a new shirt or jeans in over two years. Really. Now I’m done whining.

I’m going to start posting a note (for a while at least) about the Paypal tip button. I’ll make it short.

Whether you tip or not, thank you very much for reading, laughing, hating, cursing, liking, commenting and sharing. It’s all greatly appreciated. Thank you.