My proofreader Laura said the only thing that would make this cartoon better would be if I was the guy in the middle. NO THANKS! I’m single but I don’t put myself on the single scene. I don’t do online dating and I don’t go to clubs for singles (do they still exist?). But if I did and ran into these two, I’d probably start batting for the other team. What I find sexy and hot is intelligence and neither of these two fits that bill.

Marjorie Taylor Greene’s marriage fell apart and all the king’s Gazpacho Police couldn’t put all the pieces back together again. Maybe her marriage was shot by Jewish space lasers. Perhaps we should put what’s left in a peachtree dish so Lauren Boebert could study it to find out what went wrong and compare it to her marriage, which is now in about as many pieces as a victim from a Kalashnikov-wielding mass shooter.

Marjorie Taylor Greene’s ex-husband filed for divorce last year on the grounds that their marriage was “irretrievably broken.” MTG and her ex both asked for privacy, ignoring all the times she stalked survivors of school shootings and shouted through Alexandria Ocasio Cortez’s mail slot. Their divorce was finalized last February.

36-year-old grandma Lauren Boebert, possibly the dumbest member of Congress, is also getting a divorce from her bowling-alley flasher husband. Maybe he just wanted to see if it’d fit in a bowling ball’s finger holes.

According to court documents, the process server claims Jayson Boebert, the congresswoman’s husband who once pled guilty to flashing his dick at underage girls in a bowling alley, was cleaning a gun (I’m guessing a literal gun and not a euphemism for his penis) while drinking a beer when he arrived, and sicced the dogs on him. Who let the dogs out? Jayson Boebert…who also let his penis out. The server says Jaybones was angry and shouting profanities at him.

Lauren Boebert took issue with the accusations, saying the dogs were already out, that Jayson would never clean his guns (odd), and that he’d never drink a beer out of a glass which is a detail that was a part of the process server’s claim. How dare that process server accuse the Boeberts of being so uppity that they’d drink out of a glass. BoBo said her husband “doesn’t drink beer out of a glass, just as much as he doesn’t drink Bud Light.” What she did not do was deny he was drunk.

I don’t wish bad stuff on people unless it’s for the greater good, like wanting these two dingbats to lose their jobs. I wouldn’t wish that MTG and Boebert’s marriages fail, even if they’re vile horrible lying anti-semitic racist troglodyte knuckle-dragging hypocrites who supported a white nationalist terrorist insurrection to topple our government and install an Oompa-Loompa dictator. I wouldn’t wish this on them even though by blocking legislation that would limit the number of mass shootings in this country, they’re partly responsible for the murders of hundreds of children. And by all means, they deserve a right to privacy despite the fact they want all other women in this country to lose their rights to privacy.

The best I can wish for either of them is that they find people who are just like them…but then again, that too could be too mean. May I offer them one bit of advice? If you’re going to hit the single scene, don’t do it in Washington because most single guys there probably don’t believe in Pizzagate or that Trump won. Do it back in your home districts since the men there are dumb enough to vote for you, maybe they’ll also be dumb enough to sleep with you.

With any luck, they’ll both find men who’ll look at them the way Jayson Boebert looks at a bowling ball’s finger holes.

Music note: I listened to the Foo Fighters while coloring this.

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