Sailing To Fluteghazi

Yarr, did you hear the one about the black flautist playing James Madison’s flute? MAGAts haven’t been this riled up over stupid bullshit since Disney’s black mermaid.

First off, let’s get one controversy out of the way. “Flautist” is the correct term while “flutist” is more commonly used. I’m going with “flautist” just because I like it better.

Before this week, I bet you had never heard of Lizzo. Don’t feel bad, neither had I. Lizzo is a world-famous singer and classically-trained flautist. OK, flute player. Lizzo was headed to Washington, D.C, and was invited through a tweet by the Librarian of Congress, Carla Hayden (who is the first black female to head up the LOC. We’re learning all sorts of new stuff today) to check out their flute collection. Another thing I just learned is that not only does the LOC have flutes, but they have the largest collection of flutes in the world. Like nearly 2,000. I wonder if they have the flute from American Pie that the girl used at Band Camp. Clean it first, Lizzo!

One of the flutes in the collection is a crystal flute owned by Founding Father James Madison. In case we’re still learning, Madison was our nation’s fourth president. The flute was given to him as a gift on his second inauguration in 1813. He never played the flute and it was sent to the LOC where it’s been sitting ever since…unplayed. Nobody living had ever heard this flute fluted ever. So, wouldn’t it make sense for the first person to flute on it be a person who is a classically-trained flautist?

You can see and hear her play it here. She described it as like playing through a champagne glass and only played a few notes before handing it back to its caretaker. She was very gingerly with it.

Then came the outrage. People who never knew James Madison had a flute were outraged that a black woman played his flute.

Ben Shapiro, the guy in charge of the racist Daily Wire, tweeted, “This Lizzo-flute controversy is a perfect example of what I have termed Face Tattoo Phenomenon™: the phenomenon whereby someone does something deliberately controversial in an attempt to draw attention, and then acts offended when you notice.”

What was deliberately controversial by Lizzo playing this flute? Explain that, please, Mr. Shapiro.

Shapiro had a follow-up tweet, which was probably sent trying to pretend his outrage wasn’t over race. He tweeted, “If all we had seen was the clip of Lizzo playing the flute in the halls of the Library of Congress while wearing a semi-modest outfit, everyone would have shrugged. But that’s not the clip everyone championed as groundbreaking: it was the clip where she bragged about twerking.”

I did not see that clip, but the clip I saw with her and the flute contained no twerking unless I don’t know what twerking is, which is very possible. I’m old. I don’t know what you crazy kids are doing today. I still don’t understand planking. That’s just lying still, right? Hell, I can do that. I’m good at that. Does that make me hip? Did I just lose cool points for using “hip?”

Nick Adams is a guy who I assume wrote a book because he claims he’s Donald Trump’s favorite author. We’re still learning shit today. Who knew illiterate fucks had favorite authors? Saying you’re Donald Trump’s favorite author is like saying you’re your dog’s favorite chef. Your dog licks his own ass. Anyway, Adams tweeted, “Lizzo isn’t talented enough to play music on a $20 Yamaha Plastic Recorder off Amazon let alone a crystal flute once owned by James Madison. The Biden Administration is making a mockery of the country.”

Why is this Nick Adam fucker blaming Biden? Carla Hayden, the Librarian of Congress, was nominated by President Obama in 2016, confirmed by a GOP Senate by a 74-18 vote (which means we had at least 18 racists in the Senate in 2016), presided during the Trump administration (not that Trump was ever gonna go to a library), and is still serving during the Biden administration. I really hope Adams puts more research into Trump’s favorite books than he does in his tweets.

Greg Price, another goon who’s famous for gooning I guess, tweeted, “The Library of Congress really took out a 200-year old flute that belonged to James Madison just so Lizzo could twerk with it. They degrade our history and then call you racist if you actually value it.”

Greg Price, I doubt you value the flute because I doubt you were ever aware of it before a black woman played it. I will call you a racist though. Racist.

A right-wing lawyer who was on Donald Trump’s legal team and now works for Doug Mastriano and for some reason, has a show somewhere, said Lizzo “is basically famous, I think, for being one the most morbidly obese people in the world. This is just desecration purposefully of America’s history.”

First off, did Ellis ever notice Donald Trump’s obesity while she was gooning, I mean, lawyering for him? Did she ever notice what a fat lying fuck Rush Limbaugh was while he was still alive? Now my question for Ellis is: How does Lizzo playing this flute you never heard of before (because I seriously doubt you’re a flute expert) desecrate American history?

What I believe desecrates history, Ms. Ellis you racist goon, is outlawing teaching American history. By the way, Ellis helped Trump try to steal the election and has been subpoenaed by a Colorado court. Let me give you one tip for prison, Ms. Ellis: If you meet any large black inmates who share your cell block, call them “Obese.” They love that.

But, hey. Let’s give white privileged butt-hurt America more shit to get upset with. Did you hear Chris Rock was wearing George Washington’s wooden teeth? Did you know that Obama took Thomas Jefferson’s entire library to the south side of Chicago? I bet you didn’t know that Whoopi Goldberg was allowed to fly Ben Franklin’s kite.

Tami Sawyer tweeted an excellent point: “James Madison was the author of the 3/5 compromise. He’s lucky Lizzo didn’t break that flute into five pieces and throw it off the stage. Stay mad.”

They will, Tami. They will stay mad. The only question is: What shit will they make up next to be mad about.

Music note: I listened to a bunch of stuff I’ve already mentioned here, like the Black Keys, the Hive, Kaiser Chiefs, etc, because I played one of these, and then the random player stayed in the right groove.

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