Fetch, Devin, Fetch

After being Donald Trump’s ball boy over the past five years, Devin Nunes has resigned from Congress and is mooving to become Trump’s ball boy in the private sector (see what I did there with the “moo?”). He probably figures he can do a better job of lying for Donald Trump from his future social media platform than from a seat in Congress. Devin is going to work for Donald Trump. Of course, he’s always worked for Trump but now it’s official.

Devin is taking a serious gamble here. The first gamble is: The Republican Party can win back the House in 2022 which would make Devin Nunes the chairman of the most powerful committee in Congress, the Ways and Means Committee. But that’s probably boring compared to barking out bullshit and waging legal fights with fictional cows.

But then again, Devin may not be re-elected in 2022 as his district’s map is changing.

The other gamble for Devin Nunes is he’s leaving Congress to become CEO of Trump’s upcoming social media platform, Truth Social. Yeah, I know. “Truth”? They should call it “Bullshit Social.” But, this platform may not ever come to exist.

Truth Social was supposed to debut last November, but where is it? The domains created for it were attacked by hackers on their first day of existence. The company has already violated its software agreement (shocking). The stock options for the company are like a shell game and are already under investigation by the SEC. A lot of people bought stocks not realizing they were buying into a Trump venture. That’s like buying a house before realizing it’s haunted by Jerry Lewis. “Hey, Laaaaaaaaaaaaaady!”

This is Trump’s second venture into social media. Do you remember his first one after leaving office? Exactly!

Trump started this weird thing where he’d create posts from “The Desk of Donald J. Trump,” which was on the site from his super PAC. The idea was for it to be exactly like Twitter…if Twitter mugged you each time you went on the platform. Each post was supposed to be under 280 characters so his cult could share them on other platforms, mostly Twitter and Facebook. It was supposed to be a “communications” platform but there was no way anyone could post a reply under Trump’s post or do any actual communicating. This was designed so nobody could hurt Trump’s feelings or point out he had just self-owned himself like he did last week with an “official” statement that said, “Anybody that doesn’t think there wasn’t massive Election Fraud in the 2020 Presidential Election is either very stupid, or very corrupt!” Yup, he called himself very stupid and very corrupt. We already knew that. It’s nice when Trump does it for us so we don’t have to.

I digress. This “From the Desk of Donald J. Trump” shit didn’t last and hits to the site started decreasing after the very first day it launched. Within two weeks, it had less than 10 percent of the interaction it had on its first day. Michael Flynn’s tenure in the White House lasted longer than “From the Desk of Donald Trump.”

Devin better hope this new venture doesn’t go the way of From the Desk of Donald Trump, or Trump Steaks, Trump Wine, Trump Airlines, etc, etc.

The third gamble here is: Trump stiffs people. I’m not talking about the kind of stiffing where he has to get a cheap lawyer like Michael Cohen to draft non-disclosure agreements for. I’m talking about the way he stiffs contractors. Trump, who cares so much about working stiffs, has a long history of stiffing working stiffs. Trump has probably stiffed more blue-collar workers than he’s draw-dogged porn stars while being married to Melania.

You may think Devin has been working for Trump for free all these years anyway, so so what. But, that’s not true. We’ve been paying Devin Nunes to wash Trump’s balls over the past five years.

When Nunes was chair of the House Intelligence Committee, he constantly worked to protect Trump. He didn’t want to investigate Russian interference in the 2016 election. He didn’t want to investigate Michael Flynn’s ties to Russia. He didn’t want to investigate the Trump Campaign’s collusion with Russia. When Nunes learned more about Russian ties to the Trump campaign, before he shared it with the rest of the Intelligence Committee, he ran to the White House to tell Donald Trump. He blamed investigators for investigating. He issued a four-page memo claiming the FBI had an anti-Trump bias for investigating Trump goon Carter Page instead of having an anti-Russian spy bias. Nunes was investigated by the House Ethics Committee for disclosing classified information, but the GOP-led committee dropped the investigation since Nunes wouldn’t give them all the documents they wanted. Seriously.

Devin Nunes even went to London in an attempt to meet with the heads of MI5, MI6, and the General Communications Headquarters to get dirt on Christopher Steele, the author of the Steele Dossier, alleging Trump paid Moscow hookers to pee on him. Ironically, each agency told Nunes to piss off. Maybe he just wanted to know the going rate for having Trump pee on him.

During the first Trump impeachment, Nunes went to Europe to meet with Ukrainians to try to get dirt on Joe Biden. He also claimed Ukraine meddled in the 2016 election. His trip was supposed to be a secret but it was exposed by CNN and The Daily Beast. Nunes claimed they broke the law by reporting his secret trip. He later attempted to sue CNN and fellow Congressman, Ted Lieu, for reporting and talking about his relationship with Trump goon, Lev Parnas. Lieu was excited about the lawsuit as it would force Nunes to disclose his contacts and other interesting information in depositions. All these lawsuits were thrown out.

Nunes loves frivolous lawsuits which bring us to the cow.

Devin Nunes sued two Twitter parody accounts, one titled “Devin Nunes’ Mom” and the other “Devin Nunes’ Cow.” The cow won.

Now, Devin’s going to work for a social media website that, pay attention, has its users agree the Trump platform is not responsible for shit they post. This is something Devin and Donald Trump both opposed while in office. Donald Trump always wanted to blame the platforms any time someone would write something like, oh, I don’t know…maybe something like, “Donald Trump is the demon spawn of an orange Nazi shitgibbon.” Devin never liked being asked on Twitter, “Hey, Devin…did you notice what Trump had for lunch today while your head was up his ass?” Of course, that question was rhetorical and was asked just to annoy Devin. We all know the answer is Big Macs.

Devin is giving up the potential to wield huge power in Washington for what he believes will be huge power in social media. But how much power will he really have after going to work for Fox News in six months because Truth Social could never compete against 4-chan or Telegram?

Fox News does pay but he’ll still have to have his head up Trump’s ass. That won’t be a problem because apparently, he likes it there.

Moo.

Creative note: I listened to The Shins, The Cranberries, The Dandy Warhols, and Hall and Oates

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