Ivanka’s Daddy


If you support right-wing troglodyte asshole policies and you live in New York City, you’re not entirely on an island by yourself (See what I did there? Four of the five boroughs are literally on islands). There are plenty of Republicans in NYC. Unfortunately, those assholes are mostly in Staten Island. If you’re a Manhattan socialite who loves living high up in a tower where you can look down on everyone else, you do not want to go to Staten Island.

When you look at a map of New York City, you might wonder why Staten Island isn’t a part of New Jersey. It’s closer to New Jersey than it is to the rest of the city it belongs to. It’s the only borough without subways. It’s also the only borough that voted for Donald Trump which would explain why there are no subways. Nobody from the rest of the city wants to go there. Not even the C.H.U.D.s. And with the reputation Javanka, now knowns as “MAGA Non Grata,” built for itself as part of the Trump reign of terror, even the C.H.U.D.s won’t want to be seen with Javanka, also referred to as, “JaWannabe.”

Now there are news reports Ivanka, often called, “Bullshit Barbie,” and her husband, who New Yorkers affectionately refer to as “Skinnyman,” are trying to rehabilitate their image. It would be greatly beneficial to Javanka, nicknamed, “Dumbshit Barbie and Ken,” if we could all just pretend everything it did for the Trump administration never happened. Let’s start with Jared Kushner, who the Lincoln Project dubbed, “Secretary of Failure,” solving and bringing peace to the Middle East. That’s an easy one to remember that never happened. Jared was also referred to as “Princess Daisy Cakes.”

Remember when Donald Trump, often called, “Angry Creamsicle” ripped families apart after they crossed the border, wouldn’t allow them to ask for asylum or refugee status, and threw the babies into cages? Remember when during that time, Ivanka, commonly referred to as, “Princess Sedition,” tweeted a photo of herself and her baby with the caption, “I love Sunday mornings”? Yes, let’s forget that tone-deafness ever happened.

Remember when Ivanka, often called, “Ivanka the Terrible,” criticized Roy Moore, nicknamed “Food-Court Valentino,” for his past of trying to pick up teenage girls? Remember afterward, Daddy Donald, commonly referred to as, “Amnesty Don,” expressed huge support for the accused pedophile? Remember Ivanka, often called “Ivanka Antoinette (let them eat coronavirus)” not saying anything else on the matter? Never happened.

Remember when Ivanka, “Nepotism Barbie,” expressed support for the 24 women her claimed her father, “Gropey McGroperson,” either groped or raped them? Remember how Ivanka, “Silicone Barbie,” spoke out against her father, “Orange Julius,” over the grab-them-by-the-pussy tape? Just pretend she never spoke out about those instances because she really never did speak out. Remember how Ivanka, “Swamp Mistress,” promised to be a champion of issues important to women while she was in the White House?

It’s not just the past for years they want you to forget. They want you to stop paying attention to what’s happening now. They don’t want to be associated with the election lies being told by Daddy Trump, affectionally called “Orange Shitweasel,” “Hair Fuhrer,” “Adolf Twitler,” “Baby Fingers,” “Tiny,” “Diaper Don,” “Blitzkrieg Bozo,” “Boiled Ham In A Wig,” “Boldfinger,” “Bumbledore,” “Butternut Squash,” Captain Chaos,” “Cheeto Mussolino,” “Cinnamon Hitler,” “Creep Throat,” “Donald Tax Duck,” “Failed Mail-Order Meat Salesman,” “Reality Cheaty,” “Fascist Oompa Loompa,” “Fuckface Von Clownstick,” “Grandpa Fucko,” “Groper-in-Chief,” “Godzilla but with less foreign policy experience,” “Mussolini’s Taint,” “Screaming Carrot Demon,” “Twitler,” and “GropenFuhrer.”

Donald Trump, who some people call, “Cheddar Boy,” keeps talking about how the election was stolen from him and he’ll be reinstated in August. That is so crazy, even tone-deaf Javanka, who’s been called, “The Nordic Goddess and The Norwegian Wood Inducer,” doesn’t want to be seen in that photo-op.

Ivanka, “Little Miss Ice Princess,” went on every foreign trip her father, who I’ve heard called, “Dickhead Donald, took while he was president (sic), took. She wanted to be treated like royalty and have as much of the presidential (gag!) privileges rub off on her. She got to sit at tables with world leaders. She even sat in the president’s seat, not his lap, at summits. She got to huddle with diplomats over international issues and pretend like she knew what everyone was talking about. She got to stick her toe into North Korea just to say she’s been there. Javanka, also called, “Children of the Orange Corn,” got the opportunity to meet the Queen of England and to make sure it was seen in the windows of Buckingham Palace, which was creepier than the twins from The Shining. But now, Javanka, “Creatures of the Orange Lagoon,” don’t want to play with Donald, “White House Wanker,”…or at least be seen when they are. Give them at least a little credit for barely visiting Mar-a-Lago these days.

Did I mention they loved the royal treatment? Before leaving Washington, Daddy Trump, adoringly called, “Cheez Doodle,” made sure to extend their Secret Service protection for another six months. Why should the taxpayers stop paying for someone to open doors for Javanka, who are also called the “Shirkalocks”? Then, not wanting to be associated with Daddy Trump, “Orange Shithead Sultan,” anymore, Javanka promptly moved to Florida with him. Why didn’t it return to NYC? You know Jared, often referred to as, “Jar-Jar Jared,” still owns property there because while he worked in the White House, his buildings, like the one with the address “666,” were being financially bailed-out by oil-rich kingdoms in the Middle East. By the way, Middle East princesses would call Jared, “Finger Puppet.”

There are also reports Donald, “Herr Lugenpresse,” is jealous of Jared, also nicknamed, “FratsPutin.” No, not for that reason, you sicko perverts….well, maybe that too. But, no. Donald, often called, “Money Diaper McStupid,” jealous because Jared, whose Secret Service codename was, “Fluffy,” got a seven-figure book deal to write about his experience of helping Donald Trump, who the Brits call, “Tangerine Wankmaggot,” trash the nation for four years. Why doesn’t anyone want to pay Donald, who the Brits also call, “Witless Fucking Cocksplat,” to gaslight about the past four years?

Javanka, who many call, “Girlfriend #1 and Girlfriend #2,” wants the world to see they’re not totally bad people and for other rich people to invite them to play at the Hamptons again. They would like to visit parts of NYC that’s NOT Staten Island. Has Javanka, both born and raised in the city but often called, “Nepotism Nitwits,” ever been to Staten Island? Has Donald, “Shitler,” ever been there?

Javanka, “Polite Society Pariahs,” is trying to rehab its image. It’s even donating a week of lunches to the first responders to the collapsed condo in Miami which is only a block from its new house which it moved into after helping Trump, “Tiny-Fingered, Cheeto-Faced, Ferret-Wearing Shitgibbon,” trash the nation. Helping with something AFTER it’s collapsed is a total new experience for Javanka, who some call “Cuddlepuss.” Helping with something that’s collapsed instead of making it do so is truly a wonderful thing to…wait a minute.

Javanka, “Thing 1 and Thing 2,” live only one block from the collapsed condo? One block? That’s amazing and I’d like to point out one little factoid:

That condo never collapsed before Javanka, “spoiled rich little trust-fund babies,” moved into the neighborhood. I’m not saying we can totally blame Javanka, soon to be referred to as “inmate #167834” and “inmate 239876,”. I’m just saying.

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