TP America


Funny thing. When Donald Trump picked Mike Pence as his running mate, the first Trump/Pence logo involved the initials “TP.” This was probably decided by the same idiots who created the Tea Party and were totally surprised they acquired the nickname “teabaggers.” And then totally surprised to learn what a “teabagger” was (I had to explain it to an editor. In case you’re a Republican and still don’t know, it means “buddy” which is how you should greet each of your fucknut friends from now on. They’ll appreciate the greeting, “Hey, teabagger,” and probably thank you). After being mocked, ridiculed, and having someone explain why to them, the campaign changed the shitty (no pun intended) “TP” logo and removed the initials. The real irony is that Trump and Pence can’t even deliver TP to us.

When I was a teenager, my friends and I engaged in TPing. In case you weren’t a teenager, that’s when someone covers your entire yard and probably your home too in toilet paper. It’s even worse if it rains. It’s mostly a harmless prank that really annoys the homeowner because it’s a lot easier to put toilet paper in tree branches than it is to get it out. And, if they have a kid, he or she is the one who cleans it up. That’s because a home usually isn’t TP’ed unless there’s a kid in the house. Kids don’t pick random houses to TP. Sometimes, they hit the home of someone they don’t like but usually, it’s a home of someone they do like. It’s either a friend or a crush. Once, after TPing a few houses, we hit the house of one of our partners in TPing crime after he thought we were done (Our fake surprise the next morning should have won us Oscars. If he’s reading this now, he’s like, “I knew it!”). If your home ever gets TP’ed and you don’t have a kid then you just seriously pissed off some neighbors and should probably move and start over. Another explanation might be you’ve planted Trump/Pence signs in your yard, in which case there were probably eggs and burning bags of poo involved also.

Now, instead of getting in trouble for “rolling” someone’s yard, you might be thanked.

A lot of Trump supporters are still telling us the coronavirus pandemic is a hoax and conspiracy to hurt Donald Trump because everything in the world that’s bad is out to get them because old white guys are the most persecuted people in the history of dumbass history. And, a lot of people who aren’t Trump supporters agree with them that people are overreacting.

They think everyone’s freaking out by purchasing and hoarding hand sanitizer, bread, water and of course, toilet paper. And yeah, everyone is kinda freaking with all the hoarding.

Last Wednesday, I was talking to a friend about it and later went to a grocery store in my neighborhood. I texted her to say the store hadn’t been hit that hard yet and she still had time to buy some TP. Because I’m one of those people that goes to the store nearly every day for some small insignificant item, I was back on Thursday and this time, the shelves were wiped out (no pun intended). I was at a Wal-Mart Saturday night getting some junk for my apartment and saw they were wiped out there as well (but they did have $3.00 laundry hampers).

So you may remain rational and think, “Well, I’m not going to lose my mind and run to the store and buy and hoard all the toilet paper,” but then you think that because everyone else has lost their freaking minds buying toilet paper means you won’t have any if this crisis carries on too long, so you freak out, lose your mind, and run to the store to buy and hoard toilet paper. Laura, one of my proofreaders, told me this morning, while not proofreading this wordless cartoon, that a friend of hers has decided TP is the new “craptocurrency” and he calls it “shitcoin.”

When I was in the store last Wednesday and I saw it on the shelves, I didn’t buy any. I had at least five rolls at home and thought that I’ll be OK. But when I saw the shelves empty the next day, I thought, “oh shit.” Pun intended. So, I went to the 7-11 replacement convenience store near my home (that means it replaced a 7-11 which pisses you off because the new store doesn’t have nachos and taquitos, and if you’ve never had a 7-11 taquito then you’re not living right and probably have plenty of toilet paper) and found five individual rolls there for $1.50 a-piece. I bought all five rolls. Bring it, pandemic! Never mind. Please don’t bring it.

I’ve never been mugged but I was was very protective and wary of my surroundings while walking home with those five rolls of Scott. Later, I went back to the store for something else and the nice lady who owns the place told me she had more toilet paper in stock, which means she now sees me as the toilet paper guy and I’m going to have to make a more memorable purchase to erase that nickname. I’m looking forward to being the 15 boxes of Trojans and Monster energy drink guy.

Now, paper towels and napkins are flying off the shelves too. I even read that some people are stealing all the napkins at Taco Bells. If they’re using them for what I think they’re using them for, that’s some real irony.

Overreacting is a hell of a lot better than whatever the hell it was the Trump administration did to prepare for the pandemic. Again, these are the same idiots who didn’t foresee being mocked for using the “TP” initials or that they were going to be called “teabaggers.” Which, again, if you’re a Trump supporter, is a compliment. Use it on your friends. Please.

But here’s the thing, America. An overreaction is better than an underreaction. If anything, We, as in our nation’s leadership (sic) totally underestimated this virus. We were not prepared for a pandemic to begin with, but the reaction from the Trump administration made it worse. If this doesn’t become as bad as many people are speculating, critics, especially Facebook “experts” will say we overreacted as it wasn’t that bad. But maybe it’s our reaction that prevented it from being worse. Of course with Trump’s reaction, it got worse than it ever should have been.

On another note, if you do visit bars and/or restaurants during this pandemic, tip a little more than usual. We are in this together and should be looking out for each other. People who work in the service industry will be the first to feel this. Be nice. Even you Republicans. Try to be nice.

And this just in: Right before I clicked “publish” on this blog, the manager of my local Starbucks (OK, I’m here too much), sat down near me (not too close and we did the elbow greeting) to tell me all their stores in the U.S. and Canada will remain open, but their dining area will be closed. What this means is, you can still go to Starbucks and buy stuff but you can’t stay. You can’t sit around and hang out.

Be safe and look out for each other.

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  1. “People who work in the service industry will be the first to feel this. ”

    I canceled my hair color & cut appointment, but gave my hairdresser the full amount plus tip anyway. If she fills my appointment (IF the salon even stays open), then I have credit for next time. If not, then she has that extra to use (not to buy toilet paper, I hope). I’ll be doing the same for my dogs’ groomer, whose immune system is greatly compromised from several years of cancer treatments.

    I sent my payment via mail/check. Saved me some contacts with people who have contact with LOTS of other people.

    Pay it forward, folks!!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    America needs “TPing” … ‘But here’s the thing, America. An overreaction is better than an underreaction. If anything, We, as in our nation’s leadership (sic) totally underestimated this virus. We were not prepared for a pandemic to begin with, but the reaction from the Trump administration made it worse.’

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I completely agree! I often feel as if I’m ready to fall off an emotional cliff and then there be Clay! Like Colbert, John Oliver, Trevor Noah, Seth Meyers, and Bill Maher; ‘men of our times!’

      Liked by 1 person

  3. So “teabagger” means “buddy”, eh?

    Dang it, Clay!

    You know how lazy I am!

    So I had to Google “teabagger”, and when I read the Urban Dictionary definition, I laughed so hard that beer was shooting out of my nose, and I wasn’t even drinking beer!!

    Thanks a lot, Clay!!!


  4. aw, hell. Starbucks gonna close down now, no sitting in the dining room? Crapola!!! That’s my fave place to hang. As long as I can still buy some coffee beans to make it at home, I’ll be okay. Guess I just gotta go thru the drive thru for it.

    Liked by 1 person

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