United Pillow Fight

Donald Trump likes to hire people he thinks look good on television. White House sources said he was hesitant about hiring John Bolton as National Security Adviser because his mustache looks ridiculous. Walruses disagree.

Trump watches a lot of TV, specifically Fox & Friends. Morning schedules at the White House list the time block occupied by Trump’s favorite TV sycophants as “Executive Time.” Nothing else is scheduled in the mornings so Trump can watch his friends, and that’s probably not a terrible thing.

In addition to Bolton, he hired conspiracy theorist Joseph diGenova from Trump TV for his legal team before backtracking (sometimes you should actually meet the people first).  He’ll stray and hire from other networks too. Interim Attorney General Mathew Whitaker was an occasional guest on CNN bashing Robert Mueller, and Larry Kudlow was a CNBC contributor before becoming director of the National Economic Council.

Going on Fox News is like auditioning for a job in the Trump administration. Sean Hannity would probably be under consideration to replace John Kelly as Chief of Staff if he wasn’t already Trump’s top political adviser.

Now, Trump is moving Heather Nauert from her position as spokesperson for the State Department to replace Nikki Haley as ambassador to the United Nations. Guess where Heather Nauert worked before Trump hired her? I’m only asking because if you read this blog then you probably don’t watch a lot of Fox News.

Nauert impressed Trump at the State Department, especially that time she used D-Day as an example of our warm relationship with Germany. I’m not kidding. But, why should Trump’s hires have any actual experience with the jobs he’s putting them in when he doesn’t have any himself? Quite frankly, he might as well have picked the My Pillow guy.

The My Pillow guy is Mike Lindell. Like Trump, he’s a pitchman. He built his company on infomercials which is pretty much what Trump’s time at the White House has been. Trump’s spokesgoons have hawked Trump products, the state department website has advertised his crap, and every weekend gives free promotion to a Trump resort.

Another thing Lindell has in common with Trump, other than creeping me out on TV, is that his products don’t meet his promises.

I’ll give Lindell credit for overcoming a serious drug problem to create a company that makes American products, even if it’s a shitty one (Amazon reviewers describe it as lumpy, crunchy-sounding, and as a bag full of chopped-up foam). Good for him. But, you can’t claim it treats fibromyalgia, restless leg syndrome, sleep apnea, cerebral palsy, and acid reflux, among others. About the only thing he didn’t promise was a four-hour erection. The company had to pay around a million dollars after being sued by several counties in California. The Better Business Bureau also lowered the company’s ratings from an A+ to an F because of their buy one, get one free offer. The pillows are fifty bucks, but if you buy two for $100 then you’re getting that second for free. Does that make sense? Just sell the pillows for fifty bucks, dude and stop screwing with sleep-kicky old people who watch Fox.

Lindell is also a big Trump supporter and has gotten to hang out with him at Mar-a-Lago. Does Cheeto dust wash off the pillow? He also likes Laura Ingraham, whose only reason for not using My Pillow is because she sleeps upside down.  When advertisers were dropping her show after she made disparaging remarks toward school-shooting survivor David Hogg, My Pillow increased their advertising on her show by 62 percent. Basically, what you’re buying are hate pillows.

Trump told us he would hire the best and brightest. Later, he claims his former employees are stupid or weak, like Michael Cohen, Rex Tillerson, Jeff Sessions, and Omarosa. Later, he’ll say that he hired them out of sympathy. I don’t recall that on the campaign trail. You would think Attorney General would be too important for a sympathy job, but Trump treats it the same as letting that kid cut the White House grass. Did I see that kid on Fox & Friends?

The My Pillow Guy and his crunchy/lumpy pillow would fit right into this administration of grifters. Just beware of how Trump talks about his former hires.

Side note: I just hope you appreciate all the My Pillow ads I’m going to get now. And, if you see them on this site, sorry about that. It’s the algorithms. Don’t email me bitching about it.

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