Just in case you’ve never heard of it, Mario Kart is a game where a plumber races go-karts against humanoid toad creatures or something like that. I’m not really sure. It’s been around since 1992, and there are still geeks geeking out over it enough that they hashtag it on Twitter so they can talk about it and share tips and tricks. Boy, were they disappointed yesterday.
Along with the video nerds, thousands of people were wondering why Mario Kart was trending. Hopefully, they weren’t eating breakfast when they found out, because it’s bad enough that Donald Trump has now ruined sex, mushrooms on pizza and spaghetti, and Mario Kart for everyone. Think of the children, people.
If you do not want all the above ruined for you forever and can move along without expanding your knowledge of useless stuff, then stop reading right now. Just stop. I’ve warned you. OK, then. But, then again, if you follow me on social media, then I already ruined everything for you yesterday. Sorry about that.
Anyway…Tuesday, The Guardian published excerpts of Stormy Daniels’ upcoming tell-all book, Full Disclosure, detailing her tryst with a future president of the United States. In it, she gives details on the Trump junk. Now, might be when you wanna stop reading.
Don’t blame me for this, but she writes, “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool. I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” I could go into detail to explain what she’s describing there, but I think you get it.
A lot of people were upset with this description and not just Trump sycophants who would probably tell all of us that the president’s penis is perfectly fine, if not truly spectacular. Women want it, men want to be it. No, Mario Kart aficionados weren’t happy. You see, Toad, the mushroom guy with a mushroom cap that’s actually a part of his head, is a nice guy who runs a “Mario Party,” and is very helpful and kind in every way, unlike the president’s penis, where, rumor has it, created Donald Trump Jr, and Eric. Why, Toad didn’t deserve to be dragged into this sordid affair. Hell, Michael Cohen never even called Toad to offer him a buyout for his silence. Toad has been a good Samaritan going all the way back when Mario Bros. was released in 1985, while Trump was pretending to be someone else while calling the media to talk about all the action his weirdly shaped tiny Yeti-pube penis was getting.
Is this information important to the state of our nation (I ask rhetorically)? Yes. Yes, it is. Donald Trump was the one who talked and lied about his weird wiener during a presidential debate. Now, looking at all of his insecurities and feelings of inadequacies, the freakish penis explains it all. The trade wars, quarreling with NATO and allies, admiring dictators, boasting about how strong and awesome he is, the lifetime of lying, and the future end of the world can all be explained by President Yeti Pubes’ (he likes nicknames, right?) teeny, tiny, disfigured, mushroom-like willy. Basically, his dick will be the end of all of us.
This is not the classified information Trump wants us to know. Trump would rather we see the details from the FBI’s investigation of Russia’s meddling in our election. He’s declassifying intel like texts between FBI agents and the FISA warrants for surveillance on Carter Page. You know, because chasing wild, deep-state conspiracy theories is more important than national security.
Trump said that declassifying this stuff may be the “crowning achievement” of his presidency. Really. He believes this will expose the investigation as being corrupt, a hoax, and a total witch hunt. Republicans believe this will validate their defense of Trump and attacks on the Special Counsel just like the Nunes Memo did, which it really didn’t.
Trump has ignored requests from the FBI and the Justice Department not to declassify this. As Rachel Maddow said last week or something to this effect, this is why we don’t let dogs drive cars. That means this is why we don’t let insecure man babies with weird toad dicks become president.
Yesterday, Trump also said the FBI shouldn’t investigate the attempted-rape charges against his Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, because, INVESTIGATING isn’t something the Federal Bureau of INVESTIGATIONS does. INVESTIGATING is “not their thing.”
What a dick.
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