Stormy Daniels

Toad

I have three concerns with this cartoon.

My first concern is the file size. My cartoons usually include a lot of detail which makes for large files. I create four files for each cartoon. The file for this one is incredibly small. The black and white jpeg of the cartoon is only 444K. That’s small. It may be an unnecessary concern of mine but I worry that a small file will be low in quality when it’s published.

That concern may not be necessary because of my second concern, which is…nobody’s going to run this cartoon. OK, maybe the Detroit Metro Times. They’re ballsy. And that leads to my third concern.

My third concern is that it won’t be published, not because the cartoon is about Donald Trump’s penis, but because a lot of people won’t understand the cartoon. So here goes another blog that explains the cartoon.

It’s about Trump’s dick.

One of my proofreaders didn’t understand the cartoon. It’s possible my other proofer didn’t either and she was just being nice because she’s nice. But the way I justify drawing a cartoon that possibly most of my readers and newspaper clients won’t get is: I draw a lot of cartoons. I’m the only political cartoonist in this country who gives my readers and clients a brand-new cartoon every single day (there is another guy who often shits out three a day but most of those are traced photos and stolen clipart he signs his name on, so he doesn’t count).

It’s also a Saturday and I often do crazy shit on the weekends. Anyway, my clients get enough from me they can use that one can land in the trash.

An editor might say, “I can’t use this because I don’t get it. What’s it about?”
And I would tell him, “Trump may be indicted on criminal charges for his role in hush payments to porn star Stormy Daniels, who described Trump’s dick as looking like Toad from Mario Kart.”
And then the editor would reply, “Good God, now I’m definitely not publishing this.” Unless that editor is from the Detroit Metro Times.

And yes, Trump is facing criminal charges in Manhattan as the District Attorney has invited him to testify before the grand jury. In New York, potential defendants have the right to answer questions in the grand jury before they are indicted. Most decline and I’m sure Trump will too because any testimony can be used against him. These invitations are usually followed by indictments.

District Attorney Alvin Bragg may be the first to charge Trump criminally…but not the last.

Trump is under investigation in Georgia for interfering in that state’s presidential election when he demanded Georgia’s Secretary of State to “find” him 11,780 votes. Trump HAS to be charged in Georgia. Not charging him would be criminal.

He’s also under investigation by a Special Counsel for his role in the January 6 white nationalist terrorist attack, for trying to steal the 2020 election, and for stealing government documents, many of which are classified.

Trump has also committed sooooooooooo many other crimes without any charges or even investigations. Trump not being in prison already is a testament that we have a very unequal justice system. Donald Trump is a criminal…a big fat racist orange grifting criminal.

The Manhattan investigation has been going on for five years, which is another testament to our unequal legal system.

Here’s the deets: Trump shagged Stormy Daniels years ago. He didn’t want her to talk about it during the 2016 presidential campaign, so he paid her to keep quiet about it. Trump’s lawyer/fixer, Michael Cohen, paid Stormy $130,000 in the final days of the campaign. After Trump became president (sic), he reimbursed Cohen with a check and then lied about it. Bill Clinton would have been impeached for this shit and possibly sent to prison. If there was even a rumor of President Obama doing this, there would be congressional investigations today.

One of the reasons Michael Cohen was sent to prison was for campaign finance violations. So how is Cohen guilty of breaking campaign finance laws but Trump isn’t?

Paying someone hush money isn’t a crime. But it may be a crime if you do it as a campaign contribution that isn’t filed. Concealing the payment could be the crime in this case. In New York, falsifying business records can amount to a crime, but just a misdemeanor. To elevate the crime to a felony charge, Bragg’s prosecutors must show that Trump’s “intent to defraud” included an intent to commit or conceal a second crime.

That second crime may be that the hush money was an improper donation and a violation of state election laws, in that the hush money benefited Trump’s campaign.

Initially, Stormy took her story to the National Enquirer and offered them an exclusive for which they would pay for. They did this with another woman Trump boinked, paid her for the exclusive rights to the story, then never published it in what’s often referred to as “catch and kill.” The National Enquirer was published by a Trumper, a guy named…wait for it…”Pecker.”

Instead of paying Stormy for the story, Pecker helped negotiate the hush payment with her and Michael Cohen in order to help the Trump Campaign. Trump has said the National Enquirer should be winning Pulitzers.

Nobody has ever been charged with a felony under all these circumstances. Trump’s fuckery is unique. The president (sic) of the United States paid his lawyer to pay a porn star to keep quiet. The odds may be very low that Trump is convicted and if he is, it’ll probably just be a low-level felony with the maximum sentence being four years, but the judge has the option of not including any jail time in the sentence.

So the question may not that be whether Trump goes to prison or not but…was the $130,000 to keep people from knowing Trump cheated on his wife (just four months after she had given birth to Baron, but in Trump’s defense, her body was probably still weird, gross, and icky after giving birth to his fifth child, which I’m sure you understand) with a porn star or that his penis looks like Toad from Mario Kart?

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Operation Desert Stormy

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I’m feeling kinda burned out after working all day, but I had to give you something out of all the roughs I’ve drawn for CNN. Also, after this, I want to move on from Iran.

I’ll give you a longer blog on the subject this Sunday. Right now, I need eats and sleeps.

Update. The Rough.

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Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!! 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch Me Draw.

Trumpy Toadstool Texting

MarioKart

You get a text, and you get a text, and you get a text, and you….

I heard about this system shortly after Trump was elected and my first thought was, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” And, then I heard a detailed description of Trump’s penis and I thought, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

This is just a boner, er…bonus cartoon. And with that, I’m so sorry.

Your support in the form of donations is appreciated. I am fully independent as I’m not employed by a newspaper or with a major syndicate (leaving one to be independent). It does take a lot of work to provide you with cartoons, columns, and videos almost every day (more than any other political cartoonist), and I don’t charge my clients much at all. If you can, please consider making a financial contribution to keep the fun flowing, or purchase a signed print for $40. Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!!

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Naked Yeti Mario Kart

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Just in case you’ve never heard of it, Mario Kart is a game where a plumber races go-karts against humanoid toad creatures or something like that. I’m not really sure. It’s been around since 1992, and there are still geeks geeking out over it enough that they hashtag it on Twitter so they can talk about it and share tips and tricks. Boy, were they disappointed yesterday.

Along with the video nerds, thousands of people were wondering why Mario Kart was trending. Hopefully, they weren’t eating breakfast when they found out, because it’s bad enough that Donald Trump has now ruined sex, mushrooms on pizza and spaghetti, and Mario Kart for everyone. Think of the children, people.

If you do not want all the above ruined for you forever and can move along without expanding your knowledge of useless stuff, then stop reading right now. Just stop. I’ve warned you. OK, then. But, then again, if you follow me on social media, then I already ruined everything for you yesterday. Sorry about that.

Anyway…Tuesday, The Guardian published excerpts of Stormy Daniels’ upcoming tell-all book, Full Disclosure, detailing her tryst with a future president of the United States. In it, she gives details on the Trump junk. Now, might be when you wanna stop reading.

Don’t blame me for this, but she writes, “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool. I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” I could go into detail to explain what she’s describing there, but I think you get it.

A lot of people were upset with this description and not just Trump sycophants who would probably tell all of us that the president’s penis is perfectly fine, if not truly spectacular. Women want it, men want to be it. No, Mario Kart aficionados weren’t happy. You see, Toad, the mushroom guy with a mushroom cap that’s actually a part of his head, is a nice guy who runs a “Mario Party,” and is very helpful and kind in every way, unlike the president’s penis, where, rumor has it, created Donald Trump Jr, and Eric. Why, Toad didn’t deserve to be dragged into this sordid affair. Hell, Michael Cohen never even called Toad to offer him a buyout for his silence. Toad has been a good Samaritan going all the way back when Mario Bros. was released in 1985, while Trump was pretending to be someone else while calling the media to talk about all the action his weirdly shaped tiny Yeti-pube penis was getting.

Is this information important to the state of our nation (I ask rhetorically)? Yes. Yes, it is. Donald Trump was the one who talked and lied about his weird wiener during a presidential debate. Now, looking at all of his insecurities and feelings of inadequacies, the freakish penis explains it all. The trade wars, quarreling with NATO and allies, admiring dictators, boasting about how strong and awesome he is, the lifetime of lying, and the future end of the world can all be explained by President Yeti Pubes’ (he likes nicknames, right?) teeny, tiny, disfigured, mushroom-like willy. Basically, his dick will be the end of all of us.

This is not the classified information Trump wants us to know. Trump would rather we see the details from the FBI’s investigation of Russia’s meddling in our election. He’s declassifying intel like texts between FBI agents and the FISA warrants for surveillance on Carter Page. You know, because chasing wild, deep-state conspiracy theories is more important than national security.

Trump said that declassifying this stuff may be the “crowning achievement” of his presidency. Really. He believes this will expose the investigation as being corrupt, a hoax, and a total witch hunt. Republicans believe this will validate their defense of Trump and attacks on the Special Counsel just like the Nunes Memo did, which it really didn’t.

Trump has ignored requests from the FBI and the Justice Department not to declassify this. As Rachel Maddow said last week or something to this effect, this is why we don’t let dogs drive cars. That means this is why we don’t let insecure man babies with weird toad dicks become president.

Yesterday, Trump also said the FBI shouldn’t investigate the attempted-rape charges against his Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, because, INVESTIGATING isn’t something the Federal Bureau of INVESTIGATIONS does. INVESTIGATING is “not their thing.”

What a dick.

Your support in the form of donations is appreciated. I am fully independent as I’m not employed by a newspaper or with a major syndicate (leaving one to be independent). It does take a lot of work to provide you with cartoons, columns, and videos almost every day (more than any other political cartoonist), and I don’t charge my clients much at all. If you can, please consider making a financial contribution to keep the fun flowing, or purchase a signed print for $40. Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!!

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Stormy

cjones02012018

Is it unfair of me to hit Melania Trump with a cartoon? Yeah. Political cartoons aren’t supposed to be fair. Show me a fair political cartoon and I’ll show you a crappy cartoon.

During the national meltdown that was Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky, conservatives and liberals alike wondered, some demanded, why Hillary wouldn’t leave Bill. I don’t like to judge other people’s relationships. But, I wondered the same thing at the time. I thought, man…Hillary can never wear a blue dress ever again. But, there are differences between Hillary Clinton and Melania Trump.

The first thing is, Bill did not marry Hillary to be a trophy wife. Republicans can’t make that argument after spending over twenty years insulting her looks. Bill and Hillary married right out of college. They tied their careers together. They were real partners. Hillary and Bill married each other believing in building a future of great accomplishments. None of that is true for Melania and Donald.

Melania is Donald’s third wife, who he cheated with on wife number two, who he cheated with on wife number one. Trump has a long history of cheating, grabbing women, and just being an all-around asshole toward them. Trump has bragged about assaulting women and barging in on teenage girls undressing. None of this can be news to Melania.

It is extremely difficult to believe that Melania, who is 24 years younger than Donald, would be married to him if he wasn’t a supposed billionaire or famous TV personality. Beautiful models don’t marry old, racist assholes with bad comb-overs who paint themselves orange…unless they have a lot of money.

I feel Melania’s pain and humiliation over the revelation that Trump had an affair with a porn star and paid her hush money. I’d be pissed too. But, while this issue may be new news to Melania, the fact Trump is a piece of crap can’t be unless she really is stupid. She may be ignorant but she’s not stupid.

She is a victim of her husband and a fair target for my criticism. She didn’t ask for this, but she can’t be surprised. Look who she married. She can’t be entirely ignorant about plagiarizing Michelle Obama’s speeches either. Also, how can she look at anyone with a straight face while talking about her anti-bullying campaign? Has she reasoned to her young son, named after Trump’s pseudonym, why bullying is wrong except when Daddy does it?

Melania publicly slapped Trump’s hand away on an international trip. She ditched the Davos trip after the Stormy news came out. It’s reported in Fire And Fury that she has a separate bedroom from Trump which proves she is a human being. This is not a real marriage. She should get out.

Republicans in Washington may be selling their souls and dignity, but Melania still has a chance to redeem hers.

As Oprah would say, you go, girl.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Stormy Shithole

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The new normal reasserted itself on Friday when news broke that the president of the United States of America had an affair…with a porn star…named “Stormy”…who was paid off to keep quiet….and hardly anyone batted an eye. The only way this scandal would have stopped the presses is if the Stormy affair was with Mike Pence.

Donald Trump in a brouhahaha with a porn star, not surprising. Mike Pence having an impure thought, jaw-dropping. That guy won’t peel his own bananas.

Once upon a time there was a president who received oral sex in the Oval Office and all government business stopped for over a year. It just halted. It was like the invasion of Iraq except the invasion was of an intern’s mouth.

Granted, there are some differences between the Trump sex thing (just typing that got an “ew” out of me) and Bill Clinton’s dalliance.

Clinton’s peccadillo occurred while he was president and Trump’s happened over a decade ago before he even knew there were three branches of government (he knows now, right?). But, Clinton’s Oval Office oral sexcapade was huge news before he testified to a grand jury, before Congress impeached him for it, and before the Senate held a trial. But, Clinton is a Democrat, and he’s Bill Clinton. We knew he was horny when we first elected him in 1992. Before the affair became public most of believed it was only a matter of time before he got caught doing something improper with his wiener. Hell, the Republicans wanted it so bad they spent nearly $40 million of taxpayer money digging for it, and all they got for all that time and money was a blue dress with a stain.

Say what you will about Robert Mueller, but he hasn’t run a DNA test on a semen stain.

Trump’s scandal should still be a big deal. He is the president, and he had an affair with a porn star, and then she was paid to keep quiet about it. He was married to his current wife, which is wife number three. He’s a Republican and his voters are supposedly the people who care so much about family and Christian values. Trump is the guy who promised to bring “Merry Christmas” back (since it never actually went anywhere, it’s a lot easier to bring back than coal mining jobs).

So why was this pushed back by the media? Because we’re still freaking out over “shithole countries.” This president has lied on a daily basis about assorted bullshit. He’s attacked women and minorities. He has boasted about assaulting women and been accused of it by over 20 women. He endorsed a pedophile and defended Nazis. He says stupid stuff and then he double downs on the comments. He’s committed treason. We’ve avoided nuclear war so far despite Trump. After all that shit the porn star news is a little refreshing. The biggest surprise about the porn star is that it was consensual. What if we throw in a second porn star?

For the record, the porn star, Stormy Daniels, has denied the affair and having been paid off. Trump’s lawyer, Michael Cohen has denied it too. He denied it while using the porn star’s working name and not her real one, which was kinda weird. But, of course they denied it because that’s how hush money works.

While they have denied it, a deposit of $130,000 was given by Mr. Cohen to Miss Winter’s Los Angeles bank account. Where did that money come from? Did it come from Cohen, Trump, or Trump’s charity?

It seems Miss Stormy was trying to pitch her story to news outlets shortly before the election, and then she stopped returning reporters’ phone calls. A former Playboy playmate was also shopping a story to news outlets (which real news outlets do not pay for), when she finally got a buyer. The National Enquirer bought her story for $150,000 (how are we evaluating the worth of these porn stars?), and then they buried it. No, not on the back page. They never ran it. They bought her story, shut her up, and sat on the story so it wouldn’t hurt Trump’s chances of being elected president.

David Pecker is the head of the National Enquirer. He’s a good friend of Trump. Trump has said the Enquirer deserves a Pulitzer Prize and that Pecker should be publishing The New York Times. Perhaps the weirdest part of this story is that the character named “Pecker” is not in porno. But, wouldn’t it be awesome if Stormy married Mr. Pecker and became Stormy Pecker? I love a good fairy tale.

Another interesting side note to all of this is that Stormy once considered running for the U.S. Senate in Louisiana. Weirder things have happened. She ultimately chose not to seek the seat, and a weirder thing happened. The sitting Senator, Republican David Vitter, won despite a scandal with prostitutes. Seriously, Republicans. You’re the Christian and family values party. C’mon!

This new normal thing is affecting me too. I was working on my last cartoon when I saw a headline about it on Facebook. I just kept scrolling. I had my TV on cable news and there wasn’t anything being said about Trump, porn stars, hush money, or peckers, and I wasn’t watching Fox. After a few hours I thought about it and went looking for the story. I wanted to see if maybe it wasn’t a big deal.

The Wall Street Journal broke the story, so I went there. They had a paywall. I already have three newspaper subscriptions and I’m not about to buy a fourth, but one of those other should help me out. I went to The Washington Post and I couldn’t find anything on it. I went to The New York Times and finally found a story, which took some scrolling. “President, porn, pecker man” was not the top story. I guess after all the other Trump fuckery we’re lucky the Stormy porn scandal doesn’t involve a pee tape….or does it?

I’m just saddened that Miss Stormy won’t talk about it. I have so many questions. Did the president’s thingy work? Why would she sleep with Donald Trump? Was cocaine involved (we are talking about a porn star and Los Angeles. There had to be coke). How gross and disgusting was it? How long did it last? Did she laugh at it? Was it everything Rubio said it wasn’t? Is there a tape? Was pee involved? Can you mix Viagra with Tic Tacs?

The Trump era will not be complete until Donald Trump tweets about porn. For that to happen we all have to talk about it. For my own amusement, I need to hear Trump sycophants and Christians defend pornography and Donald Trump putting “porn” and shithole” in the news in the same week. I need to hear Tomi Lahren justify this.

Who would have guessed “porn” and “shithole” in the same week Trump got a finger up his ass would all be unrelated?

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude