Mario Kart

Toad

I have three concerns with this cartoon.

My first concern is the file size. My cartoons usually include a lot of detail which makes for large files. I create four files for each cartoon. The file for this one is incredibly small. The black and white jpeg of the cartoon is only 444K. That’s small. It may be an unnecessary concern of mine but I worry that a small file will be low in quality when it’s published.

That concern may not be necessary because of my second concern, which is…nobody’s going to run this cartoon. OK, maybe the Detroit Metro Times. They’re ballsy. And that leads to my third concern.

My third concern is that it won’t be published, not because the cartoon is about Donald Trump’s penis, but because a lot of people won’t understand the cartoon. So here goes another blog that explains the cartoon.

It’s about Trump’s dick.

One of my proofreaders didn’t understand the cartoon. It’s possible my other proofer didn’t either and she was just being nice because she’s nice. But the way I justify drawing a cartoon that possibly most of my readers and newspaper clients won’t get is: I draw a lot of cartoons. I’m the only political cartoonist in this country who gives my readers and clients a brand-new cartoon every single day (there is another guy who often shits out three a day but most of those are traced photos and stolen clipart he signs his name on, so he doesn’t count).

It’s also a Saturday and I often do crazy shit on the weekends. Anyway, my clients get enough from me they can use that one can land in the trash.

An editor might say, “I can’t use this because I don’t get it. What’s it about?”
And I would tell him, “Trump may be indicted on criminal charges for his role in hush payments to porn star Stormy Daniels, who described Trump’s dick as looking like Toad from Mario Kart.”
And then the editor would reply, “Good God, now I’m definitely not publishing this.” Unless that editor is from the Detroit Metro Times.

And yes, Trump is facing criminal charges in Manhattan as the District Attorney has invited him to testify before the grand jury. In New York, potential defendants have the right to answer questions in the grand jury before they are indicted. Most decline and I’m sure Trump will too because any testimony can be used against him. These invitations are usually followed by indictments.

District Attorney Alvin Bragg may be the first to charge Trump criminally…but not the last.

Trump is under investigation in Georgia for interfering in that state’s presidential election when he demanded Georgia’s Secretary of State to “find” him 11,780 votes. Trump HAS to be charged in Georgia. Not charging him would be criminal.

He’s also under investigation by a Special Counsel for his role in the January 6 white nationalist terrorist attack, for trying to steal the 2020 election, and for stealing government documents, many of which are classified.

Trump has also committed sooooooooooo many other crimes without any charges or even investigations. Trump not being in prison already is a testament that we have a very unequal justice system. Donald Trump is a criminal…a big fat racist orange grifting criminal.

The Manhattan investigation has been going on for five years, which is another testament to our unequal legal system.

Here’s the deets: Trump shagged Stormy Daniels years ago. He didn’t want her to talk about it during the 2016 presidential campaign, so he paid her to keep quiet about it. Trump’s lawyer/fixer, Michael Cohen, paid Stormy $130,000 in the final days of the campaign. After Trump became president (sic), he reimbursed Cohen with a check and then lied about it. Bill Clinton would have been impeached for this shit and possibly sent to prison. If there was even a rumor of President Obama doing this, there would be congressional investigations today.

One of the reasons Michael Cohen was sent to prison was for campaign finance violations. So how is Cohen guilty of breaking campaign finance laws but Trump isn’t?

Paying someone hush money isn’t a crime. But it may be a crime if you do it as a campaign contribution that isn’t filed. Concealing the payment could be the crime in this case. In New York, falsifying business records can amount to a crime, but just a misdemeanor. To elevate the crime to a felony charge, Bragg’s prosecutors must show that Trump’s “intent to defraud” included an intent to commit or conceal a second crime.

That second crime may be that the hush money was an improper donation and a violation of state election laws, in that the hush money benefited Trump’s campaign.

Initially, Stormy took her story to the National Enquirer and offered them an exclusive for which they would pay for. They did this with another woman Trump boinked, paid her for the exclusive rights to the story, then never published it in what’s often referred to as “catch and kill.” The National Enquirer was published by a Trumper, a guy named…wait for it…”Pecker.”

Instead of paying Stormy for the story, Pecker helped negotiate the hush payment with her and Michael Cohen in order to help the Trump Campaign. Trump has said the National Enquirer should be winning Pulitzers.

Nobody has ever been charged with a felony under all these circumstances. Trump’s fuckery is unique. The president (sic) of the United States paid his lawyer to pay a porn star to keep quiet. The odds may be very low that Trump is convicted and if he is, it’ll probably just be a low-level felony with the maximum sentence being four years, but the judge has the option of not including any jail time in the sentence.

So the question may not that be whether Trump goes to prison or not but…was the $130,000 to keep people from knowing Trump cheated on his wife (just four months after she had given birth to Baron, but in Trump’s defense, her body was probably still weird, gross, and icky after giving birth to his fifth child, which I’m sure you understand) with a porn star or that his penis looks like Toad from Mario Kart?

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Trumpy Toadstool Texting

MarioKart

You get a text, and you get a text, and you get a text, and you….

I heard about this system shortly after Trump was elected and my first thought was, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” And, then I heard a detailed description of Trump’s penis and I thought, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

This is just a boner, er…bonus cartoon. And with that, I’m so sorry.

Your support in the form of donations is appreciated. I am fully independent as I’m not employed by a newspaper or with a major syndicate (leaving one to be independent). It does take a lot of work to provide you with cartoons, columns, and videos almost every day (more than any other political cartoonist), and I don’t charge my clients much at all. If you can, please consider making a financial contribution to keep the fun flowing, or purchase a signed print for $40. Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!!

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.

Naked Yeti Mario Kart

cjones09232018

Just in case you’ve never heard of it, Mario Kart is a game where a plumber races go-karts against humanoid toad creatures or something like that. I’m not really sure. It’s been around since 1992, and there are still geeks geeking out over it enough that they hashtag it on Twitter so they can talk about it and share tips and tricks. Boy, were they disappointed yesterday.

Along with the video nerds, thousands of people were wondering why Mario Kart was trending. Hopefully, they weren’t eating breakfast when they found out, because it’s bad enough that Donald Trump has now ruined sex, mushrooms on pizza and spaghetti, and Mario Kart for everyone. Think of the children, people.

If you do not want all the above ruined for you forever and can move along without expanding your knowledge of useless stuff, then stop reading right now. Just stop. I’ve warned you. OK, then. But, then again, if you follow me on social media, then I already ruined everything for you yesterday. Sorry about that.

Anyway…Tuesday, The Guardian published excerpts of Stormy Daniels’ upcoming tell-all book, Full Disclosure, detailing her tryst with a future president of the United States. In it, she gives details on the Trump junk. Now, might be when you wanna stop reading.

Don’t blame me for this, but she writes, “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool. I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” I could go into detail to explain what she’s describing there, but I think you get it.

A lot of people were upset with this description and not just Trump sycophants who would probably tell all of us that the president’s penis is perfectly fine, if not truly spectacular. Women want it, men want to be it. No, Mario Kart aficionados weren’t happy. You see, Toad, the mushroom guy with a mushroom cap that’s actually a part of his head, is a nice guy who runs a “Mario Party,” and is very helpful and kind in every way, unlike the president’s penis, where, rumor has it, created Donald Trump Jr, and Eric. Why, Toad didn’t deserve to be dragged into this sordid affair. Hell, Michael Cohen never even called Toad to offer him a buyout for his silence. Toad has been a good Samaritan going all the way back when Mario Bros. was released in 1985, while Trump was pretending to be someone else while calling the media to talk about all the action his weirdly shaped tiny Yeti-pube penis was getting.

Is this information important to the state of our nation (I ask rhetorically)? Yes. Yes, it is. Donald Trump was the one who talked and lied about his weird wiener during a presidential debate. Now, looking at all of his insecurities and feelings of inadequacies, the freakish penis explains it all. The trade wars, quarreling with NATO and allies, admiring dictators, boasting about how strong and awesome he is, the lifetime of lying, and the future end of the world can all be explained by President Yeti Pubes’ (he likes nicknames, right?) teeny, tiny, disfigured, mushroom-like willy. Basically, his dick will be the end of all of us.

This is not the classified information Trump wants us to know. Trump would rather we see the details from the FBI’s investigation of Russia’s meddling in our election. He’s declassifying intel like texts between FBI agents and the FISA warrants for surveillance on Carter Page. You know, because chasing wild, deep-state conspiracy theories is more important than national security.

Trump said that declassifying this stuff may be the “crowning achievement” of his presidency. Really. He believes this will expose the investigation as being corrupt, a hoax, and a total witch hunt. Republicans believe this will validate their defense of Trump and attacks on the Special Counsel just like the Nunes Memo did, which it really didn’t.

Trump has ignored requests from the FBI and the Justice Department not to declassify this. As Rachel Maddow said last week or something to this effect, this is why we don’t let dogs drive cars. That means this is why we don’t let insecure man babies with weird toad dicks become president.

Yesterday, Trump also said the FBI shouldn’t investigate the attempted-rape charges against his Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, because, INVESTIGATING isn’t something the Federal Bureau of INVESTIGATIONS does. INVESTIGATING is “not their thing.”

What a dick.