Making Wookie

When I noticed Bigfoot was trending on Twitter, I immediately assumed there was a revelation on the existence of the mythical creature that would soon be debunked. Like millions, or at least several thousand, of others, we were wrong and unexpectedly discovered there is such a thing as Bigfoot erotica. What?

The new normal keeps introducing weird stuff into our political process, but I doubt anyone expected their week to start by discovering Bigfoot erotica is a campaign issue in a congressional race in Virginia. I know what you’re thinking. Donald Trump doesn’t have anything to do with this? You’re also probably thinking, I have never heard of Bigfoot erotica. Neither had I and I’m a guy with a computer and internet access.

Despite his name, Denver Riggleman is not a porn star, but a Republican candidate for Congress in Virginia’s 5th Congressional district. His Democratic opponent, Leslie Cockburn (I swear I’m not making these names up) has accused him of hanging out with white supremacists and being a purveyor of Bigfoot porn. She cited a drawing on his Instagram page, which he’s now made private, where there were sketches of Bigfoot with his penis censored by a black box (apparently, it’s impressive).

The media and voters had several questions for Riggleman to wiggle out of. Do you wanna bang a Bigfoot? Do you wanna get sloppy with a Squatch (what they call them on the TV show Finding Bigfoot where they’ve never actually found a Bigfoot)? Have you ever gotten yicky with a Yeti, funky with a monkey, or had nookie with a Wookie? Since each picture is of a male Bigfoot, are you gay for Bigfoot (not that there’s anything wrong with that)? Finally, before announcing your campaign for Congress, why didn’t you delete Bigfoot’s dick off your Instagram?

Riggleman explained to The Daily Beast (which is a respectable new site and not a site posting different beasts on a daily basis), that he’s not into Bigfoot porn (which is when the reporters should have asked, “So what kind of porn are you into? Minotaurs?”). The candidate explained that the drawings were part of years-long joking with his military buddies. He’s also a bit of a buff, as he’s currently working on a book about why people believe in Bigfoot and it will be a parody. Sure. That’s totally plausible, what with the title, “Mating Habits of Bigfoot and Why Women Want him.” Seriously.

He also co-authored a short story, in 2006 called “Bigfoot Exterminators Inc: The Partially Cautionary, Mostly True Tale of Monster Hunt 2006.” In the short epic, written with Don Barone, a former writer for ESPN, there are passages including the narrator touching Bigfoot Balls” with a walking stick; Denver getting an “ass massage;” a reference to baiting Bigfoot with “menstrual blood;” and an assertion that “Bigfoots like sex too.” I don’t know. I think if you’re baiting Bigfoot, try the technique in the commercial with beef jerky before you get to the ass massage.

For a non-believer, Riggleman has spent a lot of time on Bigfoot (not on top of Bigfoot, just to be clear). He’s been studying the subject from 12-16 years and has been on hunts.

Maybe after asking him if he went into the woods with the intention to give ass massages (did he bring a banjo?), we can finally get around to asking him about hanging out with white supremacists. The candidate has put more energy denying he gets off on Bigfoot than he has distanced himself from racists.

He has campaigned with white supremacist Isaac Smith, who co-founded the racist Unity and Security for America think tank with Jason Kessler, the organizer of the neo-Nazi and white supremacist rally in Charlottesville in 2017 (where Trump said there were good Nazis in attendance). He won’t answer questions about whether he plans to campaign alongside the Republican candidate for a Virginia Senate seat, Corey Stewart, who happens to be a far-right neo-Confederate who denies the Civil War was primarily about Slavery.

On Monday, it was revealed that Stewart’s spokesperson Rick Shaftan also forgot to delete a number of old posts, namely racist tweets about “crazed black people” and calling majority-black cities “shitholes.” What’s the deal, Republicans? Just in case associating with racists isn’t enough, you have to add Bigfoot?

This may be the second most bizarre congressional race in Virginia this year, as an admitted pedophile, pro-incest, white supremacist candidate is running in the 10th Congressional district. When did we become Florida?

Win or lose, Denver Riggleman has successfully assured that for the rest of eternity, each time someone Googles his name they’re going to get a picture of Bigfoot’s penis. He’ll always have that going for him.

Bigfoot refused to comment.

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