Making Wookie


When I noticed Bigfoot was trending on Twitter, I immediately assumed there was a revelation on the existence of the mythical creature that would soon be debunked. Like millions, or at least several thousand, of others, we were wrong and unexpectedly discovered there is such a thing as Bigfoot erotica. What?

The new normal keeps introducing weird stuff into our political process, but I doubt anyone expected their week to start by discovering Bigfoot erotica is a campaign issue in a congressional race in Virginia. I know what you’re thinking. Donald Trump doesn’t have anything to do with this? You’re also probably thinking, I have never heard of Bigfoot erotica. Neither had I and I’m a guy with a computer and internet access.

Despite his name, Denver Riggleman is not a porn star, but a Republican candidate for Congress in Virginia’s 5th Congressional district. His Democratic opponent, Leslie Cockburn (I swear I’m not making these names up) has accused him of hanging out with white supremacists and being a purveyor of Bigfoot porn. She cited a drawing on his Instagram page, which he’s now made private, where there were sketches of Bigfoot with his penis censored by a black box (apparently, it’s impressive).

The media and voters had several questions for Riggleman to wiggle out of. Do you wanna bang a Bigfoot? Do you wanna get sloppy with a Squatch (what they call them on the TV show Finding Bigfoot where they’ve never actually found a Bigfoot)? Have you ever gotten yicky with a Yeti, funky with a monkey, or had nookie with a Wookie? Since each picture is of a male Bigfoot, are you gay for Bigfoot (not that there’s anything wrong with that)? Finally, before announcing your campaign for Congress, why didn’t you delete Bigfoot’s dick off your Instagram?

Riggleman explained to The Daily Beast (which is a respectable new site and not a site posting different beasts on a daily basis), that he’s not into Bigfoot porn (which is when the reporters should have asked, “So what kind of porn are you into? Minotaurs?”). The candidate explained that the drawings were part of years-long joking with his military buddies. He’s also a bit of a buff, as he’s currently working on a book about why people believe in Bigfoot and it will be a parody. Sure. That’s totally plausible, what with the title, “Mating Habits of Bigfoot and Why Women Want him.” Seriously.

He also co-authored a short story, in 2006 called “Bigfoot Exterminators Inc: The Partially Cautionary, Mostly True Tale of Monster Hunt 2006.” In the short epic, written with Don Barone, a former writer for ESPN, there are passages including the narrator touching Bigfoot Balls” with a walking stick; Denver getting an “ass massage;” a reference to baiting Bigfoot with “menstrual blood;” and an assertion that “Bigfoots like sex too.” I don’t know. I think if you’re baiting Bigfoot, try the technique in the commercial with beef jerky before you get to the ass massage.

For a non-believer, Riggleman has spent a lot of time on Bigfoot (not on top of Bigfoot, just to be clear). He’s been studying the subject from 12-16 years and has been on hunts.

Maybe after asking him if he went into the woods with the intention to give ass massages (did he bring a banjo?), we can finally get around to asking him about hanging out with white supremacists. The candidate has put more energy denying he gets off on Bigfoot than he has distanced himself from racists.

He has campaigned with white supremacist Isaac Smith, who co-founded the racist Unity and Security for America think tank with Jason Kessler, the organizer of the neo-Nazi and white supremacist rally in Charlottesville in 2017 (where Trump said there were good Nazis in attendance). He won’t answer questions about whether he plans to campaign alongside the Republican candidate for a Virginia Senate seat, Corey Stewart, who happens to be a far-right neo-Confederate who denies the Civil War was primarily about Slavery.

On Monday, it was revealed that Stewart’s spokesperson Rick Shaftan also forgot to delete a number of old posts, namely racist tweets about “crazed black people” and calling majority-black cities “shitholes.” What’s the deal, Republicans? Just in case associating with racists isn’t enough, you have to add Bigfoot?

This may be the second most bizarre congressional race in Virginia this year, as an admitted pedophile, pro-incest, white supremacist candidate is running in the 10th Congressional district. When did we become Florida?

Win or lose, Denver Riggleman has successfully assured that for the rest of eternity, each time someone Googles his name they’re going to get a picture of Bigfoot’s penis. He’ll always have that going for him.

Bigfoot refused to comment.

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I Hart Your Big Foot


When I was a little tiny cartoonist I was intrigued by the Bigfoot/Sasquatch mythology. I read everything I could on the subject and believed every eyewitness account. If you said you saw a Bigfoot eating out of your fridge, I’d wanna know if he had any cake.

I was also deathly afraid that Bigfoot would crash through my window late at night and stomp me into the ground and drag me off never to be seen again. It didn’t help that I had seen the films “The Legend Of Boggy Creek” and “The Creature From Black Lake.” Both films were set in locations not far from my home in Louisiana. Look them up. They’re on YouTube, and they still freak me out.

Now I know there isn’t a Bigfoot. Someone would have shot and killed one by now, or we’d have cell phone and drone photos of one pooping in the woods. Despite the fact it doesn’t exist people are still chasing after him. There’s actually a show where a bunch of adult idiots go looking for Bigfoot. Like I was when I was in the second grade, these adults believe any story someone tells them concerning Bigfoot. You saw a “squatch” in a paraglider? That’s one of their traits! They all describe themselves as Bigfoot hunting experts, though they’ve never found a Bigfoot. If you watch the show you’ll see they’re more like experts at getting lost in the woods and wasting a lot of time.

A lot of people have been wasting time searching for Amelia Earhart, who disappeared in the southern Pacific while attempting to fly around the world in her plane in 1937. A new photo surfaced that many experts claim proves she landed in Jaluit Atoll, one of the Marshall Islands.

Filmmakers claim that two Caucasian people in the photograph—a man standing next to a post, and a person of indeterminate sex squatting on the dock’s edge—are Earhart’s navigator Fred Noonan and Earhart herself, in the custody of the Japanese military in 1937.

A lot of people wasted time on TV going on about this new revelation. Have we finally discovered what happened to Earhart? Not yet.

The Japanese government can’t provide any documentation of taking Earhart and Noonan into custody. I think if they had it they’d want to share it. Other issues are, Japan wasn’t North Korea or Iran in 1937. They were not a pariah state. The U.S. was on shaky terms with the government, but we still had diplomatic relations. We still engaged in commerce with them (ending that commerce is the biggest reason Japan attacked us). I’m not sold that Japan would have taken Earhart and Noonan into custody.

Another problem concerns the photo. Apparently, it was taken at least two years before Earhart’s flight. New evidence indicates that the photograph was published in a 1935 Japanese-language travelogue about the islands of the South Pacific. If you’re a Trump voter, 1935 is two years before 1937.

A Japanese military blogger, Kota Yamano, says he found the book after searching the National Diet Library, Japan’s national library, using the term “Jaluit Atoll,” the location featured in the photograph. That’s just great. Now Japan is better at Googling than we are.

We all want to solve mysteries, especially if you’re a romantic. I hope the Earhart mystery is solved someday but you have to keep in mind, there are huge aircraft carriers on the bottom of the Pacific sunk in World War II, where we know they were sunk, and we still can’t find them. Finding shit is hard.

I think maybe it’s the heartbreak I suffered as a child when I learned Bigfoot wasn’t real, Santa is a lie told by your mother, professional wrestling is fake, and the dog didn’t really run away, for why I am a hardcore skeptic today.

I will end on that note because I think I hear something outside my window.

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