I Hart Your Big Foot


When I was a little tiny cartoonist I was intrigued by the Bigfoot/Sasquatch mythology. I read everything I could on the subject and believed every eyewitness account. If you said you saw a Bigfoot eating out of your fridge, I’d wanna know if he had any cake.

I was also deathly afraid that Bigfoot would crash through my window late at night and stomp me into the ground and drag me off never to be seen again. It didn’t help that I had seen the films “The Legend Of Boggy Creek” and “The Creature From Black Lake.” Both films were set in locations not far from my home in Louisiana. Look them up. They’re on YouTube, and they still freak me out.

Now I know there isn’t a Bigfoot. Someone would have shot and killed one by now, or we’d have cell phone and drone photos of one pooping in the woods. Despite the fact it doesn’t exist people are still chasing after him. There’s actually a show where a bunch of adult idiots go looking for Bigfoot. Like I was when I was in the second grade, these adults believe any story someone tells them concerning Bigfoot. You saw a “squatch” in a paraglider? That’s one of their traits! They all describe themselves as Bigfoot hunting experts, though they’ve never found a Bigfoot. If you watch the show you’ll see they’re more like experts at getting lost in the woods and wasting a lot of time.

A lot of people have been wasting time searching for Amelia Earhart, who disappeared in the southern Pacific while attempting to fly around the world in her plane in 1937. A new photo surfaced that many experts claim proves she landed in Jaluit Atoll, one of the Marshall Islands.

Filmmakers claim that two Caucasian people in the photograph—a man standing next to a post, and a person of indeterminate sex squatting on the dock’s edge—are Earhart’s navigator Fred Noonan and Earhart herself, in the custody of the Japanese military in 1937.

A lot of people wasted time on TV going on about this new revelation. Have we finally discovered what happened to Earhart? Not yet.

The Japanese government can’t provide any documentation of taking Earhart and Noonan into custody. I think if they had it they’d want to share it. Other issues are, Japan wasn’t North Korea or Iran in 1937. They were not a pariah state. The U.S. was on shaky terms with the government, but we still had diplomatic relations. We still engaged in commerce with them (ending that commerce is the biggest reason Japan attacked us). I’m not sold that Japan would have taken Earhart and Noonan into custody.

Another problem concerns the photo. Apparently, it was taken at least two years before Earhart’s flight. New evidence indicates that the photograph was published in a 1935 Japanese-language travelogue about the islands of the South Pacific. If you’re a Trump voter, 1935 is two years before 1937.

A Japanese military blogger, Kota Yamano, says he found the book after searching the National Diet Library, Japan’s national library, using the term “Jaluit Atoll,” the location featured in the photograph. That’s just great. Now Japan is better at Googling than we are.

We all want to solve mysteries, especially if you’re a romantic. I hope the Earhart mystery is solved someday but you have to keep in mind, there are huge aircraft carriers on the bottom of the Pacific sunk in World War II, where we know they were sunk, and we still can’t find them. Finding shit is hard.

I think maybe it’s the heartbreak I suffered as a child when I learned Bigfoot wasn’t real, Santa is a lie told by your mother, professional wrestling is fake, and the dog didn’t really run away, for why I am a hardcore skeptic today.

I will end on that note because I think I hear something outside my window.

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  1. All the BS and sensationalism surrounding Bigfoot is annoying as hell. That being said, I did see something once in the North Cascades. I’ll just say it wasn’t a bear. I never got involved in the Bigfoot bullshit and haven’t volunteered my sighting. Something is out there; not sure what it is, but if it gets “discovered”, that will be the end of it. Leave it be.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Telling a lie long enough and it makes it true in some Americans minds. They take the Yeti mythology to stupid new heights. Huge bears poo in the woods, smell and sometimes scare people; doesn’t make them bigfoot just because they reminded some genius of their scary, smelly uncle. Amelia Earhart is a romantic wish. I always loved what my grandmother would say when one of her grandchildren whined too much: “Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My thought is, finding s*** is hard in millions of miles of ocean where the topography is changing constantly & stuff is getting battered around by G-d knows how many pounds of salt water.

    Also, part of us, the good part, wants Amelia Earhart to have lived. & for there to be strange & unknown creatures in the world; things that can surprise us.

    Liked by 1 person

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