Virginia

Making Wookie


cjones08032018

When I noticed Bigfoot was trending on Twitter, I immediately assumed there was a revelation on the existence of the mythical creature that would soon be debunked. Like millions, or at least several thousand, of others, we were wrong and unexpectedly discovered there is such a thing as Bigfoot erotica. What?

The new normal keeps introducing weird stuff into our political process, but I doubt anyone expected their week to start by discovering Bigfoot erotica is a campaign issue in a congressional race in Virginia. I know what you’re thinking. Donald Trump doesn’t have anything to do with this? You’re also probably thinking, I have never heard of Bigfoot erotica. Neither had I and I’m a guy with a computer and internet access.

Despite his name, Denver Riggleman is not a porn star, but a Republican candidate for Congress in Virginia’s 5th Congressional district. His Democratic opponent, Leslie Cockburn (I swear I’m not making these names up) has accused him of hanging out with white supremacists and being a purveyor of Bigfoot porn. She cited a drawing on his Instagram page, which he’s now made private, where there were sketches of Bigfoot with his penis censored by a black box (apparently, it’s impressive).

The media and voters had several questions for Riggleman to wiggle out of. Do you wanna bang a Bigfoot? Do you wanna get sloppy with a Squatch (what they call them on the TV show Finding Bigfoot where they’ve never actually found a Bigfoot)? Have you ever gotten yicky with a Yeti, funky with a monkey, or had nookie with a Wookie? Since each picture is of a male Bigfoot, are you gay for Bigfoot (not that there’s anything wrong with that)? Finally, before announcing your campaign for Congress, why didn’t you delete Bigfoot’s dick off your Instagram?

Riggleman explained to The Daily Beast (which is a respectable new site and not a site posting different beasts on a daily basis), that he’s not into Bigfoot porn (which is when the reporters should have asked, “So what kind of porn are you into? Minotaurs?”). The candidate explained that the drawings were part of years-long joking with his military buddies. He’s also a bit of a buff, as he’s currently working on a book about why people believe in Bigfoot and it will be a parody. Sure. That’s totally plausible, what with the title, “Mating Habits of Bigfoot and Why Women Want him.” Seriously.

He also co-authored a short story, in 2006 called “Bigfoot Exterminators Inc: The Partially Cautionary, Mostly True Tale of Monster Hunt 2006.” In the short epic, written with Don Barone, a former writer for ESPN, there are passages including the narrator touching Bigfoot Balls” with a walking stick; Denver getting an “ass massage;” a reference to baiting Bigfoot with “menstrual blood;” and an assertion that “Bigfoots like sex too.” I don’t know. I think if you’re baiting Bigfoot, try the technique in the commercial with beef jerky before you get to the ass massage.

For a non-believer, Riggleman has spent a lot of time on Bigfoot (not on top of Bigfoot, just to be clear). He’s been studying the subject from 12-16 years and has been on hunts.

Maybe after asking him if he went into the woods with the intention to give ass massages (did he bring a banjo?), we can finally get around to asking him about hanging out with white supremacists. The candidate has put more energy denying he gets off on Bigfoot than he has distanced himself from racists.

He has campaigned with white supremacist Isaac Smith, who co-founded the racist Unity and Security for America think tank with Jason Kessler, the organizer of the neo-Nazi and white supremacist rally in Charlottesville in 2017 (where Trump said there were good Nazis in attendance). He won’t answer questions about whether he plans to campaign alongside the Republican candidate for a Virginia Senate seat, Corey Stewart, who happens to be a far-right neo-Confederate who denies the Civil War was primarily about Slavery.

On Monday, it was revealed that Stewart’s spokesperson Rick Shaftan also forgot to delete a number of old posts, namely racist tweets about “crazed black people” and calling majority-black cities “shitholes.” What’s the deal, Republicans? Just in case associating with racists isn’t enough, you have to add Bigfoot?

This may be the second most bizarre congressional race in Virginia this year, as an admitted pedophile, pro-incest, white supremacist candidate is running in the 10th Congressional district. When did we become Florida?

Win or lose, Denver Riggleman has successfully assured that for the rest of eternity, each time someone Googles his name they’re going to get a picture of Bigfoot’s penis. He’ll always have that going for him.

Bigfoot refused to comment.

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Candidate Stranger Danger


cjones06072018

Usually, when you send a pedophile to Congress, you don’t know they’re a pedophile until much later. In this case, Nathan Larson has boasted he is a pedophile, among many other horrible things.

Larson is an Independent congressional candidate for Virginia’s 10th District. Shockingly, he’s not running as a Republican. Of course, there’s no chance in hell the guy could actually win, but if he’s going to pull any votes from one of the two parties, it’ll be the Republican Party.

Larson boasted to the Huffington Post that he’s a pedophile. He’s also written about it online in addition to bragging about raping his late ex-wife, who has since committed suicide.  He said, “A lot of people are tired of political correctness and being constrained by it.” I don’t think it’s political correctness that prevents most people from raping women and children, or commit father-daughter incest, which he’s also into. And, yes. He has a daughter that the law is wisely keeping him away from.

Larson’s campaign manifesto says he is a “quasi-neoreactionary libertarian” candidate. His platform includes protecting gun ownership rights, establishing free trade and protecting “benevolent white supremacy,” as well as legalizing incestuous marriage and child pornography. Charming.

From HuffPost; In his manifesto, Larson called Nazi leader Adolf Hitler a “white supremacist hero.” He urged Congress to repeal the Violence Against Women Act, adding, “We need to switch to a system that classifies women as property, initially of their fathers and later of their husbands.” He also showed sympathy for men who identify as involuntary celibates, or incels, suggesting it is unfair that they “are forced to pay taxes for schools, welfare, and other support for other men’s children.”

There are at least eight white supremacists running for office this year in the nation, and my Virginia might have the worst. On top of all this, Larson is a convicted felon who threatened to kill the president in 2008, near the end of Bush’s term, so I’m not sure if he was aiming for him or Obama. Felons normally lose their right to vote and run for office, but Virginia’s former governor, Terry McAuliffe, restored them in 2016.

Donald Trump has already endorsed one pedophile this year. He’s also praised white supremacists and exhibited his own racism while also publicly lusting after his own daughter. The only issue he might have with the sort of scum like Nathan Larson is he’s not a Republican.

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NOVA Tolls


cjones12102017

This is a cartoon that may only be published by one of my clients. While I did a lot on the Virginia elections, those cartoons were still covering a national subject. I plan to draw another cartoon tonight, so this is like another bonus. Hey, it is a bonus. But, even if nobody ran it I still wanted to do it. I was grousing about this with the person I talk politics the most, and she wanted me to hit it too.

The tolls in Northern Virginia are insane, just like the traffic. At one point last week, they hit a price of $40 for the 10-mile route between the Beltway and the District. You people in New Jersey may wanna stop whining. Wait, Jersey people never stop whining.

If you use EZPass then you are exempt from the tolls. Transportation officials this week said the tolls are meant to encourage solo drivers to carpool or use slug lines (where you let strangers ride with you in the early morning) or public transportation. Some drivers have reacted to the new pricing on social media with the hashtag #highwayrobbery.

The tolls took effect on Monday and required all drivers who use I-66 inside the Beltway between the 5:30 and 9 a.m. and 3 and 7 p.m. to have an E-ZPass. Single drivers pay a “dynamic toll” which changes depending on how many cars are using the lanes. Vehicles with two or more occupants ride free with an E-ZPass Flex.

While drivers are upset, some lawmakers in the General Assembly (that’s our legislature. We’re different) are calling to end these adjusting toll rates.

Fortunately for me, I have never had to commute to D.C., though I have fought the traffic plenty of times. My ex-wife had a knack for scheduling my son’s flights to land to time with commuter traffic. That just created another reason for why it sucks to drive to Baltimore.

But, when I do drive to or through Washington, I always use I-95 and these crazy tolls are on I-66, so they still wouldn’t affect me. But, it’s really gotta suck for those who have to deal with it.

As I said, this is a bonus cartoon. I’ll be going back to work in an hour or so. Good night, normal people.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Pervy Politics


cjones11152017

I’m old enough to remember when Republicans wrote bathroom laws to protect our children from sexual predators.

Now, the same people who go into full-blown snowflake meltdown when there’s not a Christmas design on their Starbucks coffee cup are perfectly fine with sticking a pedophile in the Senate. It’s OK because he’s accepted Jesus. There is still some coffee outrage over this Roy Moore scandal. Keurig stopped advertising on Sean Hannity’s fake news show because he kinda endorsed Republican pedophilia. Republicans have responded by destroying their Keurig coffee machine.

People are destroying coffee machines that cost anywhere from $100 to $300. Why don’t you just protest by mailing an envelope full of cash to Keurig? That makes about as much sense. By the way, did you know the coffee pods those machines use are not biodegradable and environmentalists hate them? Yeah, you conservatives can’t win for nothing. Being stupid hurts.

A fifth woman revealed yesterday that Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore sexually assaulted her. The mainstream Republican Party and even Ted Cruz are now all calling for Moore to drop out of the race. Alabama Republicans, on the other hand, are standing by their man.

Republican logic has been all over the place with this issue.

Evangelicals have spent the past four decades calling themselves the “moral majority,” yet, over 80% of them voted for the orange pussy grabber for president. Republicans impeached Bill Clinton over consensual sex and had to go through three Speakers of the House to do it, as the first two of those turds had sex scandals. And, we found out years later the third one was a pedophile.

Part of the GOP defense of Moore is to talk about other sex scandals, from Clinton to Harvey Weinstein, to Louis C.K. Hell, some are even griping about Joe Biden’s shoulder massages.

Five women have accused Moore of dating teenage girls and of sexual assault. The accusers are backed up by over 30 sources. Others have come out to say it was well-known at the time that Mr. Moore dated teenage girls while he was in his early thirties. The guy would hang out at the mall and high school football games. Eventually, he got banned from the mall for being a Creepy McCreeperson and a stranger danger. Moore has defended himself with the lame excuses that he didn’t “generally” date teenage girls, and that he never dated one without their mother’s permission. He says he doesn’t remember the new accuser or the restaurant where he attacked her, yet she provided her high school yearbook he signed where he also included the name of the restaurant. But, Moore’s supporters don’t believe any of that.

What they do believe, without any evidence, is that The Washington Post paid these women to come forward and it’s all financed by Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. They wonder why these women, who are being publicly shamed by Breitbart and in their communities, being chased into hiding, and who Moore is threatening to sue, didn’t make their revelations sooner.

For what it’s worth, adults don’t sign high school yearbooks unless they’re teachers. I know I haven’t signed one since I left high school. Hell, I didn’t sign that many when I was in school. I wasn’t really popular.

During the recent campaign for Virginia’s governor, the Republican candidate Ed Gillespie ran a lot of race-baiting commercials. Along with those, he ran one accusing Democrat Ralph Northam of being in favor of restoring rights to pedophiles. One person was busted for child pornography right after his rights were restored, and Gillespie’s campaign used that to paint Northam, a pediatrician, as a friend to pedophiles as if he was driving the van with free candy. Voters saw through the lie and made Northam our next governor.

Meanwhile, in Alabama, Republicans are telling people to vote for the pedophile. And, there’s a chance the pedophile might win.

I’m really glad I live in Virginia and not Alabama.

Creative Notes: I took longer than I wanted to with this cartoon. I started around 3:00 AM. I didn’t like the lettering so I redid it. Then I didn’t like the elephants, so I drew them over. Then, I still didn’t like the lettering so I did that again. And then, I realized I still hated the elephants, so I drew them again. And then, I hated some of the colors, so I redid that…and then, the sun came out and eventually 10:00 AM rolled around.

I make it sound like I have high standards but it’s probably more like an obsessive-compulsive disorder…and a lot of coffee.

Speaking of coffee, there’s a Keurig in my house and I had never tried it. All the talk yesterday got my curiosity up, so housemate’s girlfriend showed me how to use it. It was delicious. I didn’t try one as a lame way of sticking it to conservatives. I really wanted to try one. By the way, did you know that Keurig is the most hated thing in Washington state? I think it has to do with being environmental and snooty about their coffee, and not because the people of Washington love pedophiles.

A note about signed prints: I’m going to run this note for a week or so. Several people have sent me $40 over the past few months without requesting a print. Please, when you make a payment/contribution, tell me which print you want. I’ve written each of those people but some haven’t replied. If I owe you a print then please tell me so. I’m not trying to stiff you people. Thanks!

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Hate With Mr. Ed


cjones11052017

The majority of Virginians do not want Republican Ed Gillespie as their governor and yet, he may become their governor.

Currently, he’s barely trailing in the polls and is within the margin of error. If Democrats and Independents don’t get out and vote this coming Tuesday, the man running a fear campaign about Latino gangs, sanctuary cities, Confederate statues, and the heritage of white people will win the governor’s race.

This race isn’t just important for Virginia. It’s important nationally. We can’t give the Trump administration any momentum with a victory in the Old Dominion. Do you want to wake up Wednesday morning to see a tweet from Donald Trump bragging about how this is a victory for him and the Trump agenda. Do you want to hear Trump using our state to compliment himself? I don’t.

Russians haven’t needed to run hate ads in Virginia that would manipulate the outcome and divide the electorate. Mr. Ed has been more than willing to do it for them.

Vote Tuesday. Vote against hate. Vote against Trump. Vote against Nazis.

Creative notes: This is my last cartoon on the race before the election. This cartoon’s file date is November 5th (when it will appear on sites like GoComics), and the election is on the 7th.

I used the “white women” line from Blazing Saddles two years ago in a cartoon. I was curious, and funny thing, that cartoon was dated November 5th, 2015. That’s a little spooky.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Wolves In Virginia


cjones10302017

There’s this website I just found out about that posts conservative cartoons. Good for them. More sites need to post cartoons, liberal and conservative, though this one doesn’t seem to pay for them. I found out because they posted my last cartoon on the Virginia governor’s race. And, with my cartoon they wrote, “and from liberal, and perhaps desperate Clay Jones in Virginia.” Nice. Now, where do I send the bill?

And, you know what? I am desperate. I’m desperate that we don’t give the governorship to a corporate lobbyist for Enron who’s catering to the fuckers who chanted “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace” in Charlottesville. I don’t want the guy catering to the bastard who killed a girl in that city during their little “save our racists statues” rally.

Gillespie is exaggerating the numbers on MS-13 members in the state. He’s accusing his opponent, Democrat Ralph Northam, of being in favor of Sanctuary cities, though there aren’t any in Virginia. He’s promising to save “our” statues and preserve “our” heritage. Whose statues? Whose heritage? Does the potential governor want state laws telling cities and counties what they can and can’t do with their monuments?

This week, Gillespie is running an ad accusing Northam of being in favor of restoring voting and gun rights to convicted pedophiles.

Sure, the governor, along with Northam’s support, restored those rights to convicted felons whose sentences were complete in real-time, as well as those of tens of thousands of ex-convicts, some of whom had served their terms years or decades ago.

One guy who was convicted in 2001 was busted last December for possession of child pornography. As it turns out, his voting and gun-owning rights were restored for six weeks. So, this means Northam wants to arm pedophiles, give them voting rights, and sit them on juries? There were no elections during the 41 days he had his voting rights. He would have needed a judge’s approval to purchase a gun. And, he did not have enough time to be summoned and serve on a jury. That ad is in the vein of the Willie Horton ads.

Gillespie is OK with being dishonest and seeking support from the worst of our society. It’s working. The candidates are tied in most polls, but one has Gillespie seven points ahead. The Richmond Times-Dispatch just endorsed Gillespie.

It can’t be taken for granted the Democrat will win in a blue state. You can’t sit at home and hope the liberals in Fairfax do the heavy lifting. On November 7, my Virginian readers need to get off their asses and vote. It’s really important.

Creative note: This is a bonus cartoon as most of my clients won’t run a cartoon on a Virginia issue. Though, The Oxford Eagle in Mississippi ran my last cartoon on this issue. So, you never can tell. You’re still going to receive a new cartoon from me tomorrow morning.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Hate In The Old Dominion


cjones10242017

There are only two governor races this November, New Jersey and Virginia. The Democrats have a lock on New Jersey, but the one in Virginia is a contest.

Virginia went blue for Hillary Clinton in 2016, and Donald Trump still polls very low in the state. However, the state is not a solidly blue state. It’s purple.

Republican Ed Gillespie is running against Democrat Ralph Northam. Currently, both U.S. Senate seats, the governor and the lieutenant governor are all Democrats. They will most likely outspend the Republicans, but money doesn’t always mean victory. Gillespie is a very dangerous candidate.

Gillespie is a tireless campaigner, hitting every county, and his volunteers have knocked on over a million doors. But, what hurts the Democrats the most is that they are lazy voters in off-year elections.

Mark Warner is a very popular senator. He had high approval ratings as governor. In 2014, every poll had him leading Gillespie by double digits in his bid to win re-election to the Senate. He only won by eight-tenths of a percentage point. This wasn’t due to voters being unhappy with Warner as much as it was to Gillespie knowing how to campaign, and that a lot of Democrats stayed home. They can’t afford to stay home this November.

Gillespie is not running away from Donald Trump, but he’s also not campaigning as a Trump guy. While Mike Pence has campaigned for him, you won’t see Trump in Virginia before election day. While he’s talking about the economy and promising tax cuts, his commercials have mostly been about the dangers of brown people in Virginia. He’s running a campaign based on fear and hate. That tactic has never failed to pull Republicans to the polls.

He’s railing against immigration and scaring people on the threat of MS-13, which is active in Northern Virginia but will probably scare well in Caroline County. He’s also running against sanctuary cities and claiming Northam is in favor of them, despite the fact there are no sanctuary cities in Virginia. That threat is about as real as the war on Christmas. But, boogie men scare Republicans.

While the suburbs of D.C. in Northern Virginia, Richmond, Hampton Roads, Norfolk, Roanoke, and my town of Fredericksburg will vote blue, the rural areas can push Gillespie over the top if Democrats stay home. They can’t take this race for granted. At this time, Gillespie has overcome a 13-point deficit to lead Northam by one point.

Though Gillespie may be silent on Trump, you can be sure Cheeto-in-Chief will claim a victory here as his own and say it’s a referendum. Do you really want to hear him and his sycophants crow about taking a state that voted for Hillary Clinton? I don’t.

Gillespie has been a political operative for George W. Bush and Mitt Romney. Most of his experience has been as a lobbyist. His clients have included Anthem, AT&T, Bank of America, Microsoft (each company having state contracts in Virginia), and Enron. While Enron was defrauding employees and shareholders billions in pensions and stock prices, the company gave Gillespie’s lobbying firm over a million dollars to lobby the Department of Energy and the president to resist efforts to re-regulate the western electricity market during the California Electricity Crisis.

Gillespie has made millions from lobbying. He’ll work on issues that favor those corporations if he wins the governorship. You can bet after he’s governor that he’ll resume lobbying and collect money from those firms. His interests are not our interests, unless you’re really excited about helping this millionaire become a billionaire.

Gillespie’s interests have always been with big corporations, even those who commit fraud. What would make anyone think he cares about the poor or middle class?

We can’t give Donald Trump another ally who wants to erase democracy and install fascism. We can’t award a man for running a campaign based on hate and fear. You can’t stay home.

You need to get out and vote on November 7, and show Trump and his sycophants that Virginia says no to his agenda, racism, nationalism, and fascism. We need to tell Trump Virginia is for lovers and not the haters.

Creative note: Yeah, I was gonna take Saturday night off. But, I’ve been wanting to cover the race in Virginia. I probably will again before election day. I have finished up earlier than usual tonight, and I still plan to watch a movie and eat some ice cream. There’s also an unopened can of Pringles calling my name. Since I am more than one day ahead with cartoons, I’m definitely taking off next Saturday. Probably.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.