Will The Real FLOTUS Please Stand Up?


Melania, Ivanka, Ivana…I get all these Eastern-European female vampire names confused. For the first lady, I prefer Michelle Obama.

Melania, Donald Trump’s third and current wife and mother of Barron is feuding with Trump’s first wife, Ivana, mother of Ivanka, Donald Jr., and Eric. Marla, the second wife, and mother of Tiffany, has stayed out of the tiff thus far. Did I confuse you differentiating between these women? It was intentional.

The battle of the gold-digging trollops is over who is the first lady. Ivana was giving an unimportant interview to Good Morning America when she said she tries not to call her ex-husband too much because “I don’t want to cause any kind of jealousy or something like that because I’m basically first Trump wife. I’m first lady, OK?”

Obviously, it was a little joke and perhaps a dig, but would Melania really get jealous and territorial if Ivana called too much? Yes, she would, and did. Melania’s spokesperson issued a statement from the First Lady’s office because that office isn’t real busy to begin with, what with the anti-bullying campaign lying dormant. The statement read, “There is clearly no substance to this statement from an ex, this is unfortunately only attention-seeking and self-serving noise.” which is Eastern-European female vampire lingo for “uh-uh. You better step off, bitch!” It’s sad when plastic trophy wives feud.

Technically, the real first lady is Melania Trump, which is its own spin-off disaster of the waking-up-in-the-night-screaming disaster that is the Trump administration. Melania continues to plagiarize from Michelle so maybe she agrees with me about our former FLOTUS. Melania doesn’t behave like a first lady. She’s supposedly campaigning against online bullying yet, keeps her trap shut every time her psychotic, man-baby husband cyber bullies like it is something he learned by watching Mean Girls. In contrast, Michelle Obama’s campaign was for healthy eating, and Republicans wanted her to scold her husband every time he ate a plate of chicken wings.

The real first bitch in this administration is Mike Pence. And no, I don’t use the term “bitch” in a sexist manner. It can be applied to men, probably more so than women. Being a woman doesn’t make one a bitch. Being someone’s bitch makes you a bitch. And, I just broke one of my rules which is, if you have to explain why you used a word then you probably shouldn’t use it (like when white people use the N-word). But, I’m gonna use it anyway for today. Mike Pence is a little bitch.

Mike Pence attended Sunday’s NFL game between the San Francisco 49ers and Colts in Indianapolis (in a state where he used to be a bad governor which qualified him to be Trump’s bad vice president). During the National Anthem, several 49ers knelt. This offended Pence’s principles so much that he got up and left the game in protest at an event the administration says protests shouldn’t be allowed. He didn’t even stay long enough to get a hot dog. The man tweeted, “I left today’s Colts game because @POTUS and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem”. It’s cute Mike Pence pretends he has principles.

The entire national brouhaha of black athletes protesting racial inequality in our nation by kneeling during the National Anthem was kinda dying down. Trump, who has used the issue to further divide the nation without even trying to understand why they’re protesting, ordered his vice president to attend the game just so he can walk out.

They didn’t take this opportunity to be sanctimonious douche bags. They created it.

Kellyanne Conway cries that this was not a staged political trick, even though the president has made it very clear that it was. Conway said to say it was a PR stunt is “outrageous, egregious and offensive.” When Kellyanne is using that many adjectives and sounding like Kramer’s lawyer on Seinfeld, you know she’s lying. Plus, she was talking which is another Kellyanne indicator of lying. She also said, “it takes a lot to get that man’s blood boiling.” She’s right. It does take a lot to get his blood boiling. His blood never boiled when Trump talked about grabbing pussies, praised Nazis, called the female mayor of San Juan “nasty,” made racist statements about Mexicans, or when he criticized American POWS and Gold Star Families. Nope, that man is a cool cucumber.

Pence flew to Indiana from Las Vegas. The press pool was told they shouldn’t even bother to leave their vehicles as Pence would only be there for a few minutes. Sure enough, Pence was only there for a few minutes and had a statement containing artwork prepared to go for the press. Pence then flew back out west, this time to California with his mother, I mean his wife.

The White House knew the 49ers would kneel. They’re from San Francisco which is in liberal San Francisco, California. They started the whole kneeling thing. They said they would kneel. Trump even tweeted that he ordered Pence, like his little bitch, to attend the game just so he could leave. He also tweeted that it was “long-planned.” These fuckers might wanna get on the same page as the sycophants they’re dispatching to defend them. It’s not a PR stunt, it is a PR stunt. Which is it?

Pence can’t give a speech without lavishing loving praise on Donald Trump. The phrase “under President Trump’s leadership” is always included at least once. It’s not delivered in the way praise is expressed in an American administration. It sounds more like something from North Korea. Mike Pence is a little poodle bitch there to take Trump’s orders and to forgo all principles, beliefs, and dignity.

The anthem protest isn’t about disrespecting our troops, the flag or a song. It’s about police brutality, racial inequality in our justice system, and in all aspects of America. Republicans aren’t able to comprehend that because they’re not critical thinkers. Plus, it’s just basic red meat to accuser others of being traitors while you shout “Murica!”. It’s really bizarre to me that the people accusing others of a lack of patriotism call the investigation into Russian meddling into our election as “fake news.” Patriots defend their nation. Traitors give cover to the bad guys invading it.

So, how much did this little PR stunt by Trump’s little snowflake bitch cost us, the American taxpayers? Around $250,000. Trump’s complaining how Puerto Rico is messing up our budget, but he’ll order poodle bitch to fly to Indiana to publicly display his panties are in a twist. In addition to the cost, it was a huge inconvenience for Indianapolis. They had to reroute traffic, plan security, tell fans to get there early…just so Mike Pence could spend thirty minutes at the game for a PR stunt.

The vice president of the United States was in the same building as a group of Americans who have a serious disagreement with the United States. A real leader would have used the opportunity to talk to them and attempt to at least understand why they’re upset. Mike Pence used it as an opportunity to stage a political spectacle and further divide the nation, and then he fled the scene.

Just like a little bitch.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.


  1. “I left today’s Colts game because @POTUS and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem”. It’s cute Mike Pence pretends he has principles.

    It’s cute that he thinks his presence or 45*’s presence dignifies anything.


  2. As a Canadian watching, this is just entertainment. I have to wonder if Trump has been on his good behavior so far, what will happen the last six months of his term? You’re right, they do have a Transylvania sound to them.😨😨


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