NFL

Will The Real FLOTUS Please Stand Up?


cjones10112017

Melania, Ivanka, Ivana…I get all these Eastern-European female vampire names confused. For the first lady, I prefer Michelle Obama.

Melania, Donald Trump’s third and current wife and mother of Barron is feuding with Trump’s first wife, Ivana, mother of Ivanka, Donald Jr., and Eric. Marla, the second wife, and mother of Tiffany, has stayed out of the tiff thus far. Did I confuse you differentiating between these women? It was intentional.

The battle of the gold-digging trollops is over who is the first lady. Ivana was giving an unimportant interview to Good Morning America when she said she tries not to call her ex-husband too much because “I don’t want to cause any kind of jealousy or something like that because I’m basically first Trump wife. I’m first lady, OK?”

Obviously, it was a little joke and perhaps a dig, but would Melania really get jealous and territorial if Ivana called too much? Yes, she would, and did. Melania’s spokesperson issued a statement from the First Lady’s office because that office isn’t real busy to begin with, what with the anti-bullying campaign lying dormant. The statement read, “There is clearly no substance to this statement from an ex, this is unfortunately only attention-seeking and self-serving noise.” which is Eastern-European female vampire lingo for “uh-uh. You better step off, bitch!” It’s sad when plastic trophy wives feud.

Technically, the real first lady is Melania Trump, which is its own spin-off disaster of the waking-up-in-the-night-screaming disaster that is the Trump administration. Melania continues to plagiarize from Michelle so maybe she agrees with me about our former FLOTUS. Melania doesn’t behave like a first lady. She’s supposedly campaigning against online bullying yet, keeps her trap shut every time her psychotic, man-baby husband cyber bullies like it is something he learned by watching Mean Girls. In contrast, Michelle Obama’s campaign was for healthy eating, and Republicans wanted her to scold her husband every time he ate a plate of chicken wings.

The real first bitch in this administration is Mike Pence. And no, I don’t use the term “bitch” in a sexist manner. It can be applied to men, probably more so than women. Being a woman doesn’t make one a bitch. Being someone’s bitch makes you a bitch. And, I just broke one of my rules which is, if you have to explain why you used a word then you probably shouldn’t use it (like when white people use the N-word). But, I’m gonna use it anyway for today. Mike Pence is a little bitch.

Mike Pence attended Sunday’s NFL game between the San Francisco 49ers and Colts in Indianapolis (in a state where he used to be a bad governor which qualified him to be Trump’s bad vice president). During the National Anthem, several 49ers knelt. This offended Pence’s principles so much that he got up and left the game in protest at an event the administration says protests shouldn’t be allowed. He didn’t even stay long enough to get a hot dog. The man tweeted, “I left today’s Colts game because @POTUS and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem”. It’s cute Mike Pence pretends he has principles.

The entire national brouhaha of black athletes protesting racial inequality in our nation by kneeling during the National Anthem was kinda dying down. Trump, who has used the issue to further divide the nation without even trying to understand why they’re protesting, ordered his vice president to attend the game just so he can walk out.

They didn’t take this opportunity to be sanctimonious douche bags. They created it.

Kellyanne Conway cries that this was not a staged political trick, even though the president has made it very clear that it was. Conway said to say it was a PR stunt is “outrageous, egregious and offensive.” When Kellyanne is using that many adjectives and sounding like Kramer’s lawyer on Seinfeld, you know she’s lying. Plus, she was talking which is another Kellyanne indicator of lying. She also said, “it takes a lot to get that man’s blood boiling.” She’s right. It does take a lot to get his blood boiling. His blood never boiled when Trump talked about grabbing pussies, praised Nazis, called the female mayor of San Juan “nasty,” made racist statements about Mexicans, or when he criticized American POWS and Gold Star Families. Nope, that man is a cool cucumber.

Pence flew to Indiana from Las Vegas. The press pool was told they shouldn’t even bother to leave their vehicles as Pence would only be there for a few minutes. Sure enough, Pence was only there for a few minutes and had a statement containing artwork prepared to go for the press. Pence then flew back out west, this time to California with his mother, I mean his wife.

The White House knew the 49ers would kneel. They’re from San Francisco which is in liberal San Francisco, California. They started the whole kneeling thing. They said they would kneel. Trump even tweeted that he ordered Pence, like his little bitch, to attend the game just so he could leave. He also tweeted that it was “long-planned.” These fuckers might wanna get on the same page as the sycophants they’re dispatching to defend them. It’s not a PR stunt, it is a PR stunt. Which is it?

Pence can’t give a speech without lavishing loving praise on Donald Trump. The phrase “under President Trump’s leadership” is always included at least once. It’s not delivered in the way praise is expressed in an American administration. It sounds more like something from North Korea. Mike Pence is a little poodle bitch there to take Trump’s orders and to forgo all principles, beliefs, and dignity.

The anthem protest isn’t about disrespecting our troops, the flag or a song. It’s about police brutality, racial inequality in our justice system, and in all aspects of America. Republicans aren’t able to comprehend that because they’re not critical thinkers. Plus, it’s just basic red meat to accuser others of being traitors while you shout “Murica!”. It’s really bizarre to me that the people accusing others of a lack of patriotism call the investigation into Russian meddling into our election as “fake news.” Patriots defend their nation. Traitors give cover to the bad guys invading it.

So, how much did this little PR stunt by Trump’s little snowflake bitch cost us, the American taxpayers? Around $250,000. Trump’s complaining how Puerto Rico is messing up our budget, but he’ll order poodle bitch to fly to Indiana to publicly display his panties are in a twist. In addition to the cost, it was a huge inconvenience for Indianapolis. They had to reroute traffic, plan security, tell fans to get there early…just so Mike Pence could spend thirty minutes at the game for a PR stunt.

The vice president of the United States was in the same building as a group of Americans who have a serious disagreement with the United States. A real leader would have used the opportunity to talk to them and attempt to at least understand why they’re upset. Mike Pence used it as an opportunity to stage a political spectacle and further divide the nation, and then he fled the scene.

Just like a little bitch.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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Needs In Puerto Rico


cjones09272017

Between last Wednesday, September 20, and last night (Monday, September 25), Donald Trump tweeted once about Hurricane Maria hitting Puerto Rico. It simply said, “We are with you and the people of Puerto Rico. Stay safe! .” That was very nice of him, though it did come off as sort of an obligation before he could tweet what was of more concern to him.

In contrast, he tweeted 22 times attacking athletes. Oops, 23. He let another one fly after I started that paragraph. You would think Colin Kaepernick and Stephen Curry were threatening to test a hydrogen bomb over the Pacific Ocean.

For good measure, he also tweeted about Iran test firing a missile that never happened. Man, I hope he doesn’t hear that debunked story about Reese’s planning to end production of peanut butter cups. I don’t think I can handle four days of that national outrage.

Trump finally returned his focus to Puerto Rico last night, which means General Kelly’s nerves were being tested. With three tweets, he stated, “Texas & Florida are doing great but Puerto Rico, which was already suffering from broken infrastructure & massive debt, is in deep trouble.. …It’s old electrical grid, which was in terrible shape, was devastated. Much of the Island was destroyed, with billions of dollars…. …owed to Wall Street and the banks which, sadly, must be dealt with. Food, water and medical are top priorities – and doing well. Someone found Wikipedia. I hope it wasn’t a link Jared sent from his private email account.

Personal note to Frank, my proofreader: Don’t send me any corrections for the italicized text in the last paragraph. That’s all Trump.

But, at least he is focusing on the actual issues a president should be focusing…crap, he just tweeted about the NFL again.

Puerto Rico is in massive debt. It’s tough for a territory that doesn’t have representation in the federal government, can’t vote for president, and is in a location where imports have to be shipped to the mainland before they can be delivered to the island, which is farther away from Florida than the Bahamas, Cuba, Haiti, and the Dominican Republic.

Maria has wiped them out. In addition to having much of their infrastructure destroyed by a category five hurricane, they’ve had to struggle with floods. They’re in need of the most basic necessities, like food, water, electricity, information, etc. A major dam may break flooding even more neighborhoods. It may be six months before the island has electricity, which means they won’t find out about this Trump/NFL crap for a long time. When they do finally have electricity returned, they’ll have a lot of Trump fuckery to catch up with. This NFL stuff will be old news for the rest of us if we haven’t been blown up yet.

For me personally, one of the most troubling aspects is there are people on the mainland who can’t make contact with friends and family in Puerto Rico. They don’t know if they’re alive, doing OK, if their homes are destroyed, or what. In the next day or so, I may be using my network of readers to see if I can locate family members of friends of mine.

We have enough mayhem without a president instigating more. Last week, there were nine players in the NFL who knelt while the anthem was played. Last Sunday, every team had players kneeling. Even Jerry Jones was on his knees.

Maybe Trump should focus on the real issues at hand instead of calling athletes “sons of bitches.” He can focus on North Korea and that “Little Rocket Man” has better words than the “dotard.” Don’t forget, Texas and Florida are still rebuilding areas. And on top of all that, he can put some effort into Puerto Rico. Puerto Ricans are Americans. A patriot would want to take care of them instead of getting his panties in a twist over kneeling athletes.

Or he’ll notice they’re not kneeling for the American national anthem in the CFL and the news cycle will just go to shit again.

Creative note for the geeks: I draw with a stylus and about a year ago a bought a package of new nibs. I put the new package in my desk drawer and continued to use the original nib that came with the stylus. When I was finishing yesterday’s cartoon I noticed that there was a lot of resistance between the tablet and the stylus, so I finally put in a new nib after using the original for a year and a half. I had to get used to drawing on glass all over again with this cartoon because the new nib is very slick. I told you this note would be very geeky.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Take A Knee


cjones09262017

If you were fine, or silent, over the first three panels but lost your shit over the last one, then you need to take a knee. You’re just as disgusting as the man-baby troglodyte who made these statements. What Donald Trump is doing is not uniting people. It’s purposely being divisive to suit his own political ambitions.

Trump claims athletes who are protesting are disparaging the flag, the National Anthem, and our veterans. I don’t believe a draft-dodging bully who claimed John McCain is only a war hero because he was captured and that he “likes people who weren’t captured,” who disparages Gold Star families, and currently owns a Purple Heart he did not earn, is an authority on other people disrespecting our veterans.

Trump once criticized President Obama for voicing an opinion on the Redskins’ name. Trump said it was “nonsense” for the president to involve himself. Yet, here he is calling for athletes to be fired and for his sycophants to boycott the NFL.

Conservatives called Obama “divisive” for weighing on the Trayvon Martin case and when a white cop arrested a black man for trying to enter his own home. I don’t hear them throwing the d-word around when Trump creates controversies by attacking black athletes, women, talk show hosts, Broadway plays, comedians, mayors of foreign cities, journalists, and other incidents too numerous to name. This is conservative’s hypocrisy.

Several NFL owners who supported Trump and contributed financially to his election, like the owner of the New England Patriots, are surprised by Trump’s attack on their athletes and their sport. It’s like Trump’s racism is a new thing that only showed up last Friday…and not something he’s been waving around since the 1980s. For these people, Trump’s racism is not a deal-breaker until it hits them close to home. These people should have taken a knee to Trump before it got too late. Grass stains on your knees is a lot easier to get out than blood on your hands.

Trump claims this isn’t about race. Yet, he’s attacking mostly African-Americans protesting injustice toward African-Americans. A black athlete kneeling during the National Anthem is a larger outrage to Donald Trump than Nazis killing peaceful protesters. But like in both cases, Trump is playing to his base. He doesn’t criticize Nazis because he doesn’t want to offend his base. He’ll attack black people because his racist base eats it up.

Attacking black football players wasn’t enough for Trump over the weekend. He uninvited NBA champions, the Golden State Warriors from visiting the White House after their star, Stephen Curry expressed he didn’t want to go. It’s hard to tell who Trump is more concerned with, Kim Jong Un, actress Kristen Stewart, or Stephen Curry.

If you disagree with the athletes and believe no one should sit or kneel during the anthem, but you understand their protests, then I can respect your opinion. If you disagree with them, believe they shouldn’t have the right to express themselves, and that they should be fired, then I don’t respect your opinion. I especially do not respect you if you’re upset over black athletes wanting equality, while you have never expressed concern over what they’re protesting. And, if you deflected for Nazis, like our president has, then don’t tell me what America is supposed to be, or if we don’t like then we should move to another country. You’re what’s wrong with this country.

In case you haven’t noticed, Trump hasn’t even mentioned what the athletes are protesting. It’s like his brain stopped at “black.” If you have argued against the protests without mentioning their cause, then your brain stopped at “black” too.

You would think someone who claims he’s about jobs and the economy wouldn’t be calling for a boycott of an American industry. Trump wants NFL games to be as sparsely attended as the games were for that USFL football team he once owned.

It was heartening to see athletes, coaches, owners, black and white, stand together against Trump. This nation is about freedom, not nationalism, and not a place where we tell people to shut up because their viewpoint makes you uncomfortable. Trump can have an opinion on people protesting, but he needs to understand the full issue and not use them as a distraction because he doesn’t want to focus on North Korea or the disaster in Puerto Rico, or the fact his candidate is about to lose in Alabama, where Trump started this crap.

While in Alabama, Trump was playing to his racist base. It’d be nice if his base would take a knee.

I too have a problem with people being unpatriotic. Trump and his sycophants fit that description.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Sitting With Kaepernick


cjones08292016

A few days ago the Green Bay Packers played the San Francisco 49ers in a preseason game. Do you remember the score? Do you even know who won? I bet you know about Niners quarterback Colin Kaepernick refusing to stand for the national anthem.

I was never a fan of Kaepernick. I thought he was overrated and time would eventually expose that he couldn’t play in the NFL. I was right. Now I’m rooting for him.

Kaepernick, who of course is a millionaire, stated it would be selfish not to protest and “there are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.” He also said he refuses to “show pride in the flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color.”

He also said “I’ll continue to stand with the people who are being oppressed. To me, this is something that has to change, and when there’s significant change — and I feel like that flag represents what It’s supposed to represent, and this country is representing people the way it’s supposed to — I’ll stand.”

So naturally, “patriotic” people respected and valued his opinion. I’m lying. They went berserk. Demonstrations were held where outraged fans burned Kaepernick’s #7 jersey. A lot of people hate when racism is pointed out, and they accuse people who expose racism as the real racists. That’s like blaming Obama for making you a racist. Yeah, there are people out there doing that.

Kaepernick is playing in the highest money making sport in the country. A sport that’s built around brutality. A sport every American has an opinion of (they either hate Dallas or they love Dallas). This is a sport that is only popular in the United States. Canada, what you’re doing is not football. And London, you get a game or two a year that doesn’t involve bouncing balls on your head and yellow cards, which I still don’t understand. The average play in American football lasts only four seconds. This game was built for the American attention span.

So not standing for the national anthem at our favorite sport (sorry, baseball but I still love ya’) in a nation where political candidates are beaten up for not wearing a flag pin on their lapel, really pisses people off.

Memes were shared where people pointed out that he was adopted and raised by white parents, as if that means he is ungrateful for everything white America has provided for him, or that he’s not even black. Others pointed at veterans as the real heroes forgetting that Kaepernick isn’t labeling himself a hero. But what the guy has done is very brave.

Veterans fought for your freedom and apparently if you don’t exercise that freedom in the exact manner society demands then you should be ostracized, vilified, and shamed…or at least not allowed to work for a living. So much for all that freedom so many died for if you’re going to receive crap expressing it.

When I was in elementary school I refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance. This was in the 1970s and yes I got in trouble. Yeah, I was a rebellious kid but I always questioned authority. I didn’t really understand why we had to express loyalty to a system without any explanation other than we where supposed to. I hated the do as your told and don’t ask questions mindset. I was also a hoot in church.

You can love your country without conforming. saying the Pledge or singing the anthem doesn’t necessarily make you a mindless drone, but refusing to take part in it is also exercising the freedom this nation guarantees to all its people.

Reciting the Pledge is too much nationalism for me. In Germany everyone was required to heil Hitler. I hate nationalism and conformity.

I have less issue with The Star Spangled Banner. To me it’s more of a celebration of our nation than an attempt to control us as the Pledge comes off. I’ve also admired the various renditions and talents of those who have sung it over the years. Whoever the girl was who sang it at the Trump rally in Fredericksburg knocked it out of the park.

I do understand not wanting to sing along and finding distaste for the content of the song and the history behind it. Do you know the history behind The Star Spangled Banner?

It was written during the War of 1812. Do you know what that war was fought over? Do you even know who won? You probably think the U.S. did. Do you know which nation freed American slaves in that war? Do you know which nation demanded that “property” returned after the war? Are you familiar with the slave-owning writer of the tune or his fierce opposition to the antislavery movement?

The Star Spangled Banner is a pretty long song. It’s even longer if you have a fresh hot dog, beer, and the game is about to start. It’s actually even longer than what you’ve been singing your entire life. There are more lyrics. A lot more. The happy references to punishing slaves who left for the British have been omitted from the version you’re singing along to today.

I’m sure most people couldn’t recite all these lyrics they’re so passionate about enough to burn a football jersey over, despite singing along at every sporting event in their lifetime. A lot of people, myself included, are really good at mouthing the lyrics.

Study the reasons behind the War of 1812. Study how the United States has treated its black citizens throughout history and how it continues to treat them today.

You might come away realizing that Kaepernick has a point.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

FBI’s Fun With Fifa


cjones05282015

Get ready for more balls jokes.

I have to draw Soccer balls at least once a year. Each time I have to look up images of them so I can get the diagram correct. I’m such an American that I don’t have the same problem with footballs, baseballs, or basketballs.

I wonder if there will be more Americans tuning into the FBI’s investigation than the actual sport of soccer. I still don’t understand that yellow card thing.

I expect to see other cartoons comparing this to Deflategate. I also expect a few yellow card cartoons. I didn’t mind having fun with this issue without really hitting it with a hard opinion. Most of my work does that so I don’t mind taking it light once in a while where I don’t really upset anyone….except people in New England.