Mike Pence

Will The Real FLOTUS Please Stand Up?


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Melania, Ivanka, Ivana…I get all these Eastern-European female vampire names confused. For the first lady, I prefer Michelle Obama.

Melania, Donald Trump’s third and current wife and mother of Barron is feuding with Trump’s first wife, Ivana, mother of Ivanka, Donald Jr., and Eric. Marla, the second wife, and mother of Tiffany, has stayed out of the tiff thus far. Did I confuse you differentiating between these women? It was intentional.

The battle of the gold-digging trollops is over who is the first lady. Ivana was giving an unimportant interview to Good Morning America when she said she tries not to call her ex-husband too much because “I don’t want to cause any kind of jealousy or something like that because I’m basically first Trump wife. I’m first lady, OK?”

Obviously, it was a little joke and perhaps a dig, but would Melania really get jealous and territorial if Ivana called too much? Yes, she would, and did. Melania’s spokesperson issued a statement from the First Lady’s office because that office isn’t real busy to begin with, what with the anti-bullying campaign lying dormant. The statement read, “There is clearly no substance to this statement from an ex, this is unfortunately only attention-seeking and self-serving noise.” which is Eastern-European female vampire lingo for “uh-uh. You better step off, bitch!” It’s sad when plastic trophy wives feud.

Technically, the real first lady is Melania Trump, which is its own spin-off disaster of the waking-up-in-the-night-screaming disaster that is the Trump administration. Melania continues to plagiarize from Michelle so maybe she agrees with me about our former FLOTUS. Melania doesn’t behave like a first lady. She’s supposedly campaigning against online bullying yet, keeps her trap shut every time her psychotic, man-baby husband cyber bullies like it is something he learned by watching Mean Girls. In contrast, Michelle Obama’s campaign was for healthy eating, and Republicans wanted her to scold her husband every time he ate a plate of chicken wings.

The real first bitch in this administration is Mike Pence. And no, I don’t use the term “bitch” in a sexist manner. It can be applied to men, probably more so than women. Being a woman doesn’t make one a bitch. Being someone’s bitch makes you a bitch. And, I just broke one of my rules which is, if you have to explain why you used a word then you probably shouldn’t use it (like when white people use the N-word). But, I’m gonna use it anyway for today. Mike Pence is a little bitch.

Mike Pence attended Sunday’s NFL game between the San Francisco 49ers and Colts in Indianapolis (in a state where he used to be a bad governor which qualified him to be Trump’s bad vice president). During the National Anthem, several 49ers knelt. This offended Pence’s principles so much that he got up and left the game in protest at an event the administration says protests shouldn’t be allowed. He didn’t even stay long enough to get a hot dog. The man tweeted, “I left today’s Colts game because @POTUS and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem”. It’s cute Mike Pence pretends he has principles.

The entire national brouhaha of black athletes protesting racial inequality in our nation by kneeling during the National Anthem was kinda dying down. Trump, who has used the issue to further divide the nation without even trying to understand why they’re protesting, ordered his vice president to attend the game just so he can walk out.

They didn’t take this opportunity to be sanctimonious douche bags. They created it.

Kellyanne Conway cries that this was not a staged political trick, even though the president has made it very clear that it was. Conway said to say it was a PR stunt is “outrageous, egregious and offensive.” When Kellyanne is using that many adjectives and sounding like Kramer’s lawyer on Seinfeld, you know she’s lying. Plus, she was talking which is another Kellyanne indicator of lying. She also said, “it takes a lot to get that man’s blood boiling.” She’s right. It does take a lot to get his blood boiling. His blood never boiled when Trump talked about grabbing pussies, praised Nazis, called the female mayor of San Juan “nasty,” made racist statements about Mexicans, or when he criticized American POWS and Gold Star Families. Nope, that man is a cool cucumber.

Pence flew to Indiana from Las Vegas. The press pool was told they shouldn’t even bother to leave their vehicles as Pence would only be there for a few minutes. Sure enough, Pence was only there for a few minutes and had a statement containing artwork prepared to go for the press. Pence then flew back out west, this time to California with his mother, I mean his wife.

The White House knew the 49ers would kneel. They’re from San Francisco which is in liberal San Francisco, California. They started the whole kneeling thing. They said they would kneel. Trump even tweeted that he ordered Pence, like his little bitch, to attend the game just so he could leave. He also tweeted that it was “long-planned.” These fuckers might wanna get on the same page as the sycophants they’re dispatching to defend them. It’s not a PR stunt, it is a PR stunt. Which is it?

Pence can’t give a speech without lavishing loving praise on Donald Trump. The phrase “under President Trump’s leadership” is always included at least once. It’s not delivered in the way praise is expressed in an American administration. It sounds more like something from North Korea. Mike Pence is a little poodle bitch there to take Trump’s orders and to forgo all principles, beliefs, and dignity.

The anthem protest isn’t about disrespecting our troops, the flag or a song. It’s about police brutality, racial inequality in our justice system, and in all aspects of America. Republicans aren’t able to comprehend that because they’re not critical thinkers. Plus, it’s just basic red meat to accuser others of being traitors while you shout “Murica!”. It’s really bizarre to me that the people accusing others of a lack of patriotism call the investigation into Russian meddling into our election as “fake news.” Patriots defend their nation. Traitors give cover to the bad guys invading it.

So, how much did this little PR stunt by Trump’s little snowflake bitch cost us, the American taxpayers? Around $250,000. Trump’s complaining how Puerto Rico is messing up our budget, but he’ll order poodle bitch to fly to Indiana to publicly display his panties are in a twist. In addition to the cost, it was a huge inconvenience for Indianapolis. They had to reroute traffic, plan security, tell fans to get there early…just so Mike Pence could spend thirty minutes at the game for a PR stunt.

The vice president of the United States was in the same building as a group of Americans who have a serious disagreement with the United States. A real leader would have used the opportunity to talk to them and attempt to at least understand why they’re upset. Mike Pence used it as an opportunity to stage a political spectacle and further divide the nation, and then he fled the scene.

Just like a little bitch.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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Bearly Confirmed


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Betsy DeVos had a terrible performance during the Senate hearings on her way to confirmation as secretary of education. It’s a good thing she’s donated over $200 million to Republican causes and candidates, including many of the senators who voted for her. Even her defense of guns in schools to protect against bears didn’t hurt her among Republicans.

DeVos is a major backer of charter schools and vouchers. Even some charter school groups opposed her nomination. She exhibited a vast ignorance of how public education works. A lot of Republicans defend her selection by saying public schools have been messed up for years, so a new type of leader is in order. Many others say the department isn’t even important, so why care who leads it? Anyone who believes that shouldn’t be an influence on education of any kind.

Democrats staged an all-night vigil Monday to delay the vote on DeVos in hopes of collecting a third Republican to vote against her. They had two members from across the aisle, Susan Collins of Maine and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska, but only after they were sure they wouldn’t be the defectors to kill DeVos’ confirmation.

Republicans are afraid of being on the wrath-end of a Trump tweet. That fear, and DeVos’ campaign contributions, assured a tie vote in the Senate. Vice President Mike Pence cast the tie-breaking vote, the first time ever for a cabinet confirmation.

In the past DeVos has stated that government “sucks” and that public schools are a “dead end.” It seems DeVos now has the opportunity to make those statements true.

Children will be safer with the bears.

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Taking Hostages


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Donald Trump went to Indiana on Thursday to brag about convincing Carrier, an air conditioner making company in that state, from going to Mexico and forcing more Americans out of work.

On the campaign trail he bragged that companies wouldn’t leave our nation anymore after he’s president because he’ll call them and threaten them with higher taxes.

None of that happened.

Carrier decided to keep part of their production in Indiana after receiving corporate welfare from that state’s taxpayers promised by governor and president-elect Mike Pence. They’re still shutting down a lot of their operation and leaving for south of the border.

Is this why Pence hasn’t resigned as governor? He’s not busy enough running Trump’s transition team and eating taco bowls in Trump Tower? He gave Trump high praise for keeping Carrier in Indiana on Thursday but the question remains: What exactly did Trump do? If Trump was president when bin Laden was taken out Trump would have claimed he was there and pulled the trigger.

I think it is good for a president to call CEOs and try to convince them not to move their production out of the country. Afterward the president can go in front of a crowd and lie about it, praise the company, and not mention the bailout he just gave them. If only Obama knew he could have bragged about saving the auto industry and didn’t have to mention the bailout.

What Trump has done is send a very loud signal to corporate America that they can hold their employees hostage. Trump shows he’s willing to give them “yuge” tax breaks to stay. This is like when NFL teams threaten their current cities by talking about moving to San Antonio. It’s how they get new stadiums and sky boxes.

Trump doesn’t care if he gives your money to rich Americans. Carrier wasn’t losing money. They were very profitable. They just weren’t as rich as they wanted.

The only sticky widget for the next bailout is that Trump will need 50 more governors as accomplices. Mike Pence won’t be governor of Indiana at some point between now and January.

Now maybe Trump can call that guy who manufactures crappy ties overseas.

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Hamilton!


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Vice President-elect Mike Pence decided to expand his culture a bit and attend the Broadway musical “Hamilton.” He was booed by the audience and then he received a lecture from the cast at the end of the show. The cast asked Pence to work on behalf of all Americans. Gee. If a Midwestern homophobe can’t be comfortable at a Broadway show what’s left?

Donald Trump, continuing the joke that he’s going to actually be president of the United States, took to Twitter. The man who says he never apologizes demanded the Hamilton cast apologize to Pence.

Trump accused the cast of “harassing” and of being very rude to the Indiana governor. Maybe he should have followed Donald this weekend to hide in his New Jersey safe space.

What did the cast say to Pence that can be considered so rude? Actor Brandon Victor Dixon, who plays Aaron Burr in the play, thanked Pence for attending and said he hoped Pence would “hear him out.”

“We, sir — we — are the diverse America who are alarmed and anxious that your new administration will not protect us, our planet, our children, our parents, or defend us and uphold our inalienable rights,” he said. “We truly hope that this show has inspired you to uphold our American values and to work on behalf of all of us.”

How dare he!

In case you’re from Indiana or don’t have any culture otherwise, “Springtime For Hitler” is a fake play within a play. It’s in Mel Brooks’ production “The Producers.”

A producer and his accountant figure out that they can make more money from a flop than a hit, that is if they oversell ownership in a Broadway play. If it’s a flop they can declare a loss and keep all the money. They seek out the worst script, worst director, worst music, and worst actors possible.

What they find is a very offensive play called “Springtime For Hitler” written by an insane New York City Nazi, enamored with Adolf Hitler.

At the start of the play the audience is very offended and begins walking out when Hitler, a very flamboyantly- gay Hitler comes out and starts prancing and dancing. The audience loves it believing the play to be a satire and it’s a huge success. The producers are screwed.

Mel Brooks, who is Jewish, loved to make fun of Hitler. Other than “The Producers” Brooks’ film “To Be Or Not To Be” totally cracked on Hitler, and it was a really sweet and funny movie that’s very underrated. A version of Hitler even shows up near the end of “Blazing Saddles.”

You have to love Mel Brooks, unless you don’t have any culture.

The funniest thing in all of this is that now Trump supporters are screaming for a boycott of the play “Hamilton.” Like I’m sure Trump supporters are big Broadway fans. Currently they’re giving their money to Starbucks and to show them, they’re demanding the baristas to write “Trump” on their cups so they have to shout “Trump” when their double-mocha-flappe-fratte-venti sprinkled with cinnamon is ready for them. One Trump supporter wants to sue Starbucks for discriminating against him because he’s white. Caucasians have been facing huge burdens throughout American history. He was caught on YouTube having a very public hissy fit.

I’m not sure these people should be drinking coffee. Maybe a nice glass of warm milk is more their speed.

Go find your safe space.

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That Mexican Thing


cjones10062016

If you had Googled “whipping out that Mexican thing” yesterday you probably would have stumbled upon some disturbing websites. Today you’ll find the most memorable line from the Vice Presidential debate which was made by Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence, governor of Indiana.

He was retorting back to Tim Kaine, U.S. Senator from Virginia, when he brought up Trump’s comments how Mexico is sending us rapists and murderers.

Pence did not fail defending Trump as much as he refused to defend him. When he did he was denying comments he or Trump had made, which were all lies. For this effort most analysts judged that Pence won the debate. The GOP was so excited about Pence winning that they went online an hour before to claim he won. Yes, they actually did that.

A lot of people were sour on Kaine’s many interruptions. Kaine took on the attack-dog role which is a new one for him. His performance gave the impression he had consumed many mochas beforehand, which I can relate to (I’m on my fourth cup of coffee now and I feel AWESOME!). Pence was very calm and patient and never got flustered or took the bait like his boss did. Pence also accused the Clinton/Kaine campaign of being one of insults, which is really hypocritical. Even during the debate Trump was tweeting out that Kaine looked like a villain from a Batman movie. Yes, he actually did that. Trump forgets he looks like he was an Oompa Loompa in Willy Wonka rolling an inflated Violet Beauregarde.

Pence even offered foreign policy proposals that are in direct opposition of those proposed by Trump, such as dropping bombs on Assad and confronting Russia.

Trump’s team will tell him to watch the debate and be more like Mike. They will have great difficulty making that happen, less enough getting him to watch the thing. Sorry, Donald. It’s not a sex tape….THANK GOD!

While Kaine is viewed as losing the debate, he really didn’t. He may have come off as not promoting himself for the future,which Pence did really well, but he gave his team a ton of material to use against the Trump/Pence ticket.

This cartoon isn’t real heavy but I wanted to do something with the “Mexican thing” comment. I also really like drawing Tim Kaine and his freaky eyebrow and look forward to future opportunities. I also don’t mind taking a lighter take with this as the debate won’t move any poll numbers and will be forgotten by Wednesday afternoon. We have another presidential debate on Sunday, more gaffes by Trump throughout the week, and a very dangerous hurricane approaching the East Coast.

I am excited for our future if it includes “whipping out that Mexican thing” in the form of taco trucks on every corner.

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Veep Debate Project


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A couple months ago, Redfront, a company in Farmville, Virginia asked me to produce this piece of art commemorating the Vice Presidential debate which is taking place tonight at Longwood University.

The owner of the Redfront is a really nice guy and he had the idea. He wanted to put the art on T-shirts. I did the job, he paid, and you’d think that’d be it and I could move on with my life. Clay was wrong.

The company hired to produce the shirts, which is in Ohio, was a huge pain in the butt. The gentleman who hired me had never worked on a project like this before. He’d email me one day asking for a file type he wasn’t familiar with, but fortunately I was. Then he’d call again the next day for another. And then I’d have to upload the file and then I had to talk to some maniac in Ohio, and then I would pull my hair out and do it all over again the next day.

I needed one type of file I had never made before and I roped a couple of friends into helping me. One tried and failed. The other (thanks, Melissa) came through. After that I went through all the required steps Ohio was demanding. I thought it was done. A few days later I’m told Redfront that he was pulling the plug on the entire thing.

I did get paid but I feel bad the project never flew as intended. I do hope Redfront can do something with it to recoup what they paid me.

But now here it is for the world to see. Enjoy tonight’s debate.

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Endorsing Trump


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Newspaper endorsements don’t really help politicians or sway elections. Even endorsements from other politicians don’t persuade voters. What they do is give reason to vote, or not to vote, for a particular candidate and shows the direction the person, newspaper, union, organization, etc.,  wants the country to move toward. A lot of times it’s not as much about the candidate but the positions. At times it’s not as much about the candidate as it is the opponent.

Which leads us to Donald Trump.

During every election cycle newspapers endorse candidates. The endorsements go for Democrats, Republicans, Independents, etc. Some readers get upset while others applaud. Most readers shrug their shoulders if they even notice. Endorsements are usually voted on by an editorial board which usually consists of the publisher, editor, editorial page editor and various other editors. Basically the most important people running the newspaper are on the board. I have been on the staff of four newspapers during my career and none of those newspapers had a staff where every editor had the same political philosophy. There is not a political agenda mandated by the newspaper. I’ve seen owners of newspapers sit back and watch an endorsement get published they voted against.

The most bizarre thing about Donald Trump is that no real newspaper has endorsed him. Yet, he’s the nominee for the Republican party. That just doesn’t happen. Yes, he collected a few endorsements during the primaries but newspapers usually pick one candidate from each party to endorse during the primaries and then pick against one of them during the general election. Who endorsed Trump during the primaries? The Santa Barbara News-Press, The New York Post (he is a New Yorker and he was running against Cruz who dissed the entire city), The New York Observer (which his son in law owns and disclaimer: is a client of mine), and the National Enquirer which is not a real newspaper. There are more than four newspaper in the United States.

During the general election so far Trump has only been endorsed by the Santa Barbara News-Press (I gotta do some research and find out what’s going on there) and the National Enquirer. That’s it. I’m sure the New York Observer will endorse eventually though one staffer has written a column (which they published) taking the editor to task for supporting Trump.

Usually Democrats pick up more endorsements from daily newspapers than Republicans, but it’s not a huge margin. Republicans have played it to their advantage in arguing that it proves the left-wing media (as if there was such a thing) is against them. Trump and his surrogates of monkeys are making the same argument, but those monkeys don’t fly.

The Dallas Morning News (Disclaimer: Another client) endorsed Hillary Clinton. It’s the first time they have endorsed a Democrat since 1944. They endorsed a Republican against Roosevelt near the end of World War II. How bad do those editors view Trump? They endorsed a guy over the guy who was taking out Hitler. And that’s in Texas. I’m sure other notable Texas newspapers wouldn’t do the same…oh wait. The Houston Chronicle, which is usually reliable for a good-ole fashioned Republican endorement has endorsed Hillary Clinton.

You can argue those are exceptions but wait! The Cincinnati Enquirer hasn’t endorsed a Democrat since 1916. Not since adults were riding ridiculous, giant big-wheeled tricycles and wearing stove-top hats, and wondering if airplanes would ever fly (and if they did, what sort of meals would they serve?) has The Enquirer endorsed a Democrat. They just did. Why? Because Trump isn’t qualified to be president.

Surely it ends there, right? No. The Arizona Republic which came into existence in the late 1880s has never…NEVER….endorsed a Democrat. Never. They just endorsed the Democrat and wrote that Clinton is the only choice to move forward. NEVER! They don’t endorse Democrats.

The Detroit News is another that never endorses Democrats. Never in its 143-year history has it NOT endorsed a Republican. They just endorsed Gary Johnson. Yes, the News would rather support a pot-smoking, tongue-wagging candidate who can’t find Aleppo on a map or name a single foreign leader, as their choice for president.

That brings us to USA Today (Disclaimer: They also run my work). The paper came into existence under Gannett and they own newspapers across the nation. USA Today has always played it safe and they have never endorsed a presidential candidate. They play the middle ground. I always joke with cartoonists that they never run controversial, dangerous, or even opinionated editorial cartoons. Every time they run one of my mine I’m kinda surprised. Lately they’ve really stepped up with their hard-hitting investigative reporting. But they don’t endorse. They just endorsed. Not Hillary but they wrote that Trump is not qualifed to be president. The editorial board couldn’t come to a consensus to endorse Clinton but they all agreed on Never Trump.

If Trump wants to know why this is happening he should ask his running mate, who also didn’t endorse him. Mike Pence endorsed Ted Cruz. He is the running mate for a man who he publicly said is not his first choice. Now that’s an endorsement. I hope when the election is over that Mike finds his money on the dresser.

These editorial boards are not in love with Hillary Clinton. They’re not part of the left-wing media agenda to elect a Democrat and throw the country into a socialist state where everyone gets an abortion and Obama phone with their free school lunch. They just know that you need to go with the most qualified candidate. I share the same viewpoint. I’m more Never Trump than I am pro Hillary. Hillary Clinton has issues and brings problems to the table but she is qualified for the job. Donald Trump is a disaster.Donald Trump is a nightmare we have yet to have. He is the pee in your Cheerios, the Yoko to your Beatles, and the Jar-Jar to your Star Wars. Why endorse a candidate who comes unhinged at 3:00 AM and attacks a former Miss Universe on Twitter and tells us all to check out her sex tape?  Why?

Newspapers are managed by people who went to school. They went to college. They have disagrees. They’re not the elite but they’re educated. You know, the sort who don’t vote for Trump.

Stupid people vote for Trump.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!