Bear to Travel

A lot of Americans have this belief that the United States is the most popular nation in the world and everybody wants to come here. Without ever citing anything specific, other than “freedom,” they claim the U.S.A. is the best country in the world. But the truth is, most people in the world don’t want to immigrate to the United States and if you listen to expats, they don’t want to come back.

We are not the most popular country in the world and if you’re an international traveler from the States, depending on where you travel, you might hear it.

After September 11, 2001, we actually received goodwill internationally which the George W. Bush administration fucked up immediately by waging war on two nations. And then our stupid broken system put a stupid racist Putin-loving pussy-grabbing grifter in a cheap suit with a botched bleached combover in the White House who proceeded to insult our friends, ban Muslims from entering the nation, threw immigrant babies into cages, and referred to third-world nations as “shit-hole countries.” The guy even feuded with a female teenage climate activist from Scandinavia, not that he knew where Scandinavia was as he couldn’t even find Puerto Rico on a map, but he did find Alabama with his Sharpie.

And how are things today? Our current president, who replaced the racist imbecile that wears orange facecake, gave a big old bear hug to the prime minister of Israel, which is currently carpet bombing civilians in one of the most densely-populated places in the world, Gaza.

To play it safe, a lot of travelers from the United States (NOT America as America is everything between Canada and Chile, thank you. Every immigrant who comes to the United States from El Salvador, Venezuela, Mexico, Honduras, Guatemala, etc. is an American, you obnoxious jerks) will say they’re from Canada…except while traveling through Canada as that might be hard to pull off. Travelers from the States pretending to be Canadians is not new.

The movie Argo tells the true story of sneaking U.S. embassy staffers out of Iran during the hostage crisis in 1979. They pulled it off by faking that they were Canadians. But most U.S. travelers aren’t playing Canadian so they won’t be brutally murdered or not to have stale baguettes thrown at them. A lot of times they just don’t want to have to repeatedly try to explain stupid shit from the United States, like Trump and guns. It’s hard to explain to people in other countries why a stupid vulgar ugly grifting racist receives so much support in our nation when it’s hard for us to understand it. It’s hard to explain to the rest of the planet why our gun fetish is more important to us than our children. I suppose if I was traveling through Europe today I’d rather they think I’m one of the McKenzie Brothers (look it up) than one of the Dukes of Hazard. While traveling, say “eh,” not “yee-haw.”

And the reason U.S. citizens fake being Canadian is because we’re close…mostly. I wouldn’t try to pass off being French Canadian (Le croissant oui oui foo foo Leblah blah crepes au revoir poodle) but maybe I could pass off being from Winnipeg or Calgary. I imagine most Germans can’t tell the difference between a Winnipeg and Omaha accent. It would be harder to fake being from England, France, Jamaica, etc because of accents. You don’t want to go through Eastern Europe sounding like Austin Powers or Russell Brand. Wait? Russell Brand’s accent is real?

Also, if you’re going to pretend you’re Canadian then you’ll have to act like a Canadian and not like you were raised in a doorless barn in Hooterville. You know, be nice. Don’t be a bully in Brussels. Don’t get impatient and start yelling at the Dutch or the Danes while standing in like at a weed store in Amsterdam. Also, try not to give yourself away by demanding restaurants supersize your McNuggets in Munich. And if you have to wear a red hat in Prague, make sure it’s a red Maple Leaf and not a MAGA. Don’t be an asshole in Oslo. I would also advise that you put your Budweiser in a pint glass so you don’t give yourself away by the label, but Europeans will still be able to see you’re drinking skunky U.S. piss water.

Maybe the only people you could get in trouble with would be if you bump into Canadians while traveling through Europe. They might ask what part of Canada you’re from and the answer “Canada Town” or “Hoserville” may not fool them…because our accents don’t sound anything like the accents from Canada Town or Hoserville.

So the pandas being returned to China because China hates us right now, might want to play Canadian to the other pandas. Surely pandas in China can’t tell the difference between a Washington, D.C. accent and a Hoserville accent.

I’m pretty sure that’s right…eh?

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