I’m not a scientist but I’m about to lay some basic science shit down for you. Keep in mind that I’m a cartoonist and most people don’t expect us to spell well, less enough, understand math and science. And like most male stereotypes, I can become squeamish and will want to run screaming from a conversation as soon as someone says “fallopian tube.” For most dudes, a vagina remains a wondrous and mysterious place they don’t want to learn anything about. Some guys, Republicans, will never even try to figure out the location of the…I better stop here before I get in trouble. Let me just end this paragraph with, Republicans, she’s been faking it.

A lot of redneck states are banning abortion after a specific number of weeks, usually way before a woman even knows she’s pregnant. Women don’t take pregnancy tests because they enjoy peeing on sticks. Most women take a pregnancy test when they have reason to believe they may be pregnant. And if guys could get pregnant, it’d take us months to find out because we’d never hit the stick.

There are bans on abortion after six weeks in Mississippi, Idaho, and Texas. Florida and Kentucky have 15-week bans. And now Oklahoma decided six weeks was too much time and has now banned abortions after the egg is fertilized.

Now, we’re going to play with some science. Ladies, for the next part of this, I’m not talking to you so don’t tell me I’m mansplainin’. I’m talking to the goons.

Women usually are not able to tell they’re pregnant until the fourth or fifth week, and while a positive result MIGHT occur on a pregnancy test ten days after conception, it’s rare anyone takes it in that time frame. Conception, when the egg is fertilized, may take three minutes or it may take five days. Oklahoma has outlawed abortion before a woman can physically know she’s pregnant.

Oklahoma says fertilization is the stopping point, but who’s going to get an abortion before fertilization? Maybe Republicans see it like they see Critical Race Theory and they can abort that from being taught in schools where it doesn’t actually exist.

Goons, fertilization happens when sperm, your sticky man juice, the baby batter, meets a woman’s egg, and the egg either says “heeeeeeey” or in a lot of cases, “who are you and what are you doing here?” But this happens in the…brace yourselves, guys, the fallopian tubes. Ew, I know. This new sperm/egg combo becomes a cell called a zygote. When it becomes a zygote, it moves down the fallopian tube and enters the uterus. Take note that it’s NOT a fetus at this point.

Republicans aren’t happy with just controlling a woman’s uterus, at least not in Oklahoma. They want their grubby unwashed hands on the fallopian tubes. They have banned abortions in Oklahoma before the fertilized egg is even in the uterus. They’ve banned abortion before there’s anything to abort. The only way for another ultra-right-wing government, like the Taliban, can get more restrictive than Oklahoma in banning abortions would be to ban birth control. I think that’s where we’re headed.

When states start outlawing birth control, or when the Supreme Court does it for them, keep in mind that birth control is still legal in Afghanistan.

Have you ever heard the expression, “when you were a twinkle in your father’s eye”? Yeah, Oklahoma has basically made that twinkle the cutoff point for abortions.

And all of these laws only focus on women. They do nothing about the men who are one-half responsible (or 100 percent responsible when the woman doesn’t say “yes”) for the fertilization. These laws don’t make exceptions for rape or incest. Some of them don’t make exceptions when the mother’s life is in danger or even when the fetus can’t survive outside the womb. And in some states, they try to give more rights over the fetus to the rapists than to their victims. This is a bunch of yee-haw state bullshit.

When a woman is raped in one of these abortion-banning states, the yee-haw state rapes her again.

Oklahoma has banned abortion before the fetus even becomes a fetus. I know, there are debates over when a fetus becomes a human, but in Oklahoma, they banned aborting zygotes. It’s not a human. It’s not even a fetus. It’s a zygote. Most men trying to ban abortion probably think Zygote is a crappy wine cooler used to get a girl drunk so they can give her a pregnancy she has zero control over. Guys, you’re thinking of Zima.

Men, we’re not good at understanding all this female anatomy stuff. We don’t know much at all how va-jayjays, woo-hoos, or froo-froos work. Let’s not even start talking about menopause, and that has “men” in it. We’re not good at any of that because we don’t have to know it. So, maybe we should stop legislating it. We need to stop with all these yee-haw state abortion bullshit laws.

Republicans, keep your hands off women’s uteruses…and zygotes and fallopian tubes.

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