Oklahoma

Abortion Laws in Yee-Haw States

I’m not a scientist but I’m about to lay some basic science shit down for you. Keep in mind that I’m a cartoonist and most people don’t expect us to spell well, less enough, understand math and science. And like most male stereotypes, I can become squeamish and will want to run screaming from a conversation as soon as someone says “fallopian tube.” For most dudes, a vagina remains a wondrous and mysterious place they don’t want to learn anything about. Some guys, Republicans, will never even try to figure out the location of the…I better stop here before I get in trouble. Let me just end this paragraph with, Republicans, she’s been faking it.

A lot of redneck states are banning abortion after a specific number of weeks, usually way before a woman even knows she’s pregnant. Women don’t take pregnancy tests because they enjoy peeing on sticks. Most women take a pregnancy test when they have reason to believe they may be pregnant. And if guys could get pregnant, it’d take us months to find out because we’d never hit the stick.

There are bans on abortion after six weeks in Mississippi, Idaho, and Texas. Florida and Kentucky have 15-week bans. And now Oklahoma decided six weeks was too much time and has now banned abortions after the egg is fertilized.

Now, we’re going to play with some science. Ladies, for the next part of this, I’m not talking to you so don’t tell me I’m mansplainin’. I’m talking to the goons.

Women usually are not able to tell they’re pregnant until the fourth or fifth week, and while a positive result MIGHT occur on a pregnancy test ten days after conception, it’s rare anyone takes it in that time frame. Conception, when the egg is fertilized, may take three minutes or it may take five days. Oklahoma has outlawed abortion before a woman can physically know she’s pregnant.

Oklahoma says fertilization is the stopping point, but who’s going to get an abortion before fertilization? Maybe Republicans see it like they see Critical Race Theory and they can abort that from being taught in schools where it doesn’t actually exist.

Goons, fertilization happens when sperm, your sticky man juice, the baby batter, meets a woman’s egg, and the egg either says “heeeeeeey” or in a lot of cases, “who are you and what are you doing here?” But this happens in the…brace yourselves, guys, the fallopian tubes. Ew, I know. This new sperm/egg combo becomes a cell called a zygote. When it becomes a zygote, it moves down the fallopian tube and enters the uterus. Take note that it’s NOT a fetus at this point.

Republicans aren’t happy with just controlling a woman’s uterus, at least not in Oklahoma. They want their grubby unwashed hands on the fallopian tubes. They have banned abortions in Oklahoma before the fertilized egg is even in the uterus. They’ve banned abortion before there’s anything to abort. The only way for another ultra-right-wing government, like the Taliban, can get more restrictive than Oklahoma in banning abortions would be to ban birth control. I think that’s where we’re headed.

When states start outlawing birth control, or when the Supreme Court does it for them, keep in mind that birth control is still legal in Afghanistan.

Have you ever heard the expression, “when you were a twinkle in your father’s eye”? Yeah, Oklahoma has basically made that twinkle the cutoff point for abortions.

And all of these laws only focus on women. They do nothing about the men who are one-half responsible (or 100 percent responsible when the woman doesn’t say “yes”) for the fertilization. These laws don’t make exceptions for rape or incest. Some of them don’t make exceptions when the mother’s life is in danger or even when the fetus can’t survive outside the womb. And in some states, they try to give more rights over the fetus to the rapists than to their victims. This is a bunch of yee-haw state bullshit.

When a woman is raped in one of these abortion-banning states, the yee-haw state rapes her again.

Oklahoma has banned abortion before the fetus even becomes a fetus. I know, there are debates over when a fetus becomes a human, but in Oklahoma, they banned aborting zygotes. It’s not a human. It’s not even a fetus. It’s a zygote. Most men trying to ban abortion probably think Zygote is a crappy wine cooler used to get a girl drunk so they can give her a pregnancy she has zero control over. Guys, you’re thinking of Zima.

Men, we’re not good at understanding all this female anatomy stuff. We don’t know much at all how va-jayjays, woo-hoos, or froo-froos work. Let’s not even start talking about menopause, and that has “men” in it. We’re not good at any of that because we don’t have to know it. So, maybe we should stop legislating it. We need to stop with all these yee-haw state abortion bullshit laws.

Republicans, keep your hands off women’s uteruses…and zygotes and fallopian tubes.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Oppression With The Fringe On Top

It’s happening again. Another state is destroying women’s constitutional reproductive rights.

When one backward knuckle-dragging fucknut red state succeeds in destroying a freedom, then other backward fucknut states follow the lead.

Texas basically banned abortion, made it a criminal offense, and created a bounty-hunting business for anyone to report on a person receiving or giving an abortion. Yee-haw, motherfuckers.

Oklahoma, another yee-haw state, has copied Texas’ abortion restriction laws and has made ANY abortion illegal except to save the life of the pregnant woman. The governor has promised to sign every piece of legislation limiting abortion that reaches his desk. The new law would make performing an abortion or attempting to perform the procedure a felony punishable by a maximum fine of $100,000 or a maximum of 10 years in state prison, or both.  There’s another bill in progress that copies Texas’ bounty-hunter law.

With the bounty-hunter laws, you can report a person for receiving an abortion in Oklahoma and Texas, even if you don’t know that person and the abortion doesn’t affect you in any way. This law, allowing you to report and cash in on something that doesn’t affect you and isn’t your business, isn’t surprising when you realize most of the people who’ve been trying to destroy abortion rights don’t have a uterus.

I guarantee you this: If men could give birth, there would have been abortion pills in vending machines before we even thought about eradicating Polio. Cavemen would have invented the pill, and then the vending machines before they got around to the wheel and sliced bread. We wouldn’t even be talking about abortion except in sex-ed classes where students would have free condoms thrown at them. In Florida, Ron DeSantis would be teaching how to put a condom on a banana to kindergartners. Abortion would be as common as clipping your fingernails. And then if one religious zealot said out loud, “maybe there should be a few restrictions on abortion. I mean, doesn’t the fetus have rights? Isn’t it a person? Isn’t it…” He wouldn’t have finished that sentence because an angry mob would have beaten him to death with sticks, stones, and condom-wrapped bananas

There would be horror movies directed by men about men being forced to carry an abortion to term. That’s scarier than Jason Vorhees and Freddy Krueger riding into your bedroom on Jaws to a soundtrack provided by Nickelback.

But since men can’t get pregnant, they’re creating laws that will force rape victims to have their rapist’s babies. They’re forcing teenage girls to have their uncle’s babies.

Last Wednesday, Missouri Republicans passed a bill that allows family members to file wrongful death lawsuits. They’re banning “abortion-inducing drugs,” and defunding Planned Parenthood.

Federal Medicaid law protects every Medicaid patient’s right to choose their provider including Planned Parenthood. This does not fund abortions. There are other health treatments provided by Planned Parenthood like birth control, STI testing and treatment, cancer screenings, and other preventive services. But conservative men don’t care about those treatments as it doesn’t affect them. Other states that have “defunded” Planned Parenthood are Arkansas, Mississippi, and Texas. In Missouri, a state court said they can’t do this, but the legislature has ignored that ruling. This will also surely hit the 6-3 conservative majority Supreme Court.

The Democratic governor of Kentucky just vetoed an abortion-banning bill, but the Republicans will probably override it next week. In Maryland, the Republican governor VETOED a bill expanding abortion, but the Democratic majority in the state legislature overrode him.

Colorado, a blue state surrounded by abortion-restricting yee-haw states, signed a bill last week codifying abortion rights. The bill states, “The Reproductive Health Equity Act states that “every individual has a fundamental right to make decisions about the individual’s reproductive health care, including the fundamental right to use or refuse contraception; a pregnant individual has a fundamental right to continue a pregnancy and give birth or to have an abortion and to make decisions about how to exercise that right; and a fertilized egg, embryo, or fetus does not have independent or derivative rights under the laws of the state.” It also bans local governments from restricting abortion, like towns and counties in the district that sent Lauren Boebert to Congress.

Nebraska failed by two votes to advance a “trigger” bill that would have made abortion illegal immediately after Roe Vs. Wade is struck down by the Supreme Court because that’s exactly what Republicans are expecting.

The Supreme Court has allowed new abortion restrictions to stand in places like Texas, Mississippi, and Alabama. Republicans are chomping at the bit for a case to go before the Supreme Court that will finally give them the opportunity to ban abortions nationwide. I expect that to happen too. The pro-freedom people are all about banning freedom.

I think if we ban abortions then we need to also ban Viagra and all other erectile dysfunction medication. I researched this and I believe it’s a fact that nearly all abortions are created with the help of a penis. I’m also pretty sure every Republican male writing these abortion laws loves his penis and needs medication for his penis to work. It would explain why they’re so frustrated and angry.

I am being funny but I’m always funny when I’m serious. Democrats in each of these states need to try to attach riders to these bills that ban penis pills. Sure, they won’t survive but it’ll make a very loud point. The point will be that Republican men are totally opposed to their private parts being legislated. I can not wait to hear Ted Cruz give a passionate speech about dick rights.

Or at the very least, Democrats in these state legislatures should craft bills banning Taliban laws. Have fun with that.

My advice to women who live in yee-haw states is…move.

Music note: I listened to some Bob Seger last night while taking a walk and it got good to me. So I started listening to it again while drawing today and then it got very tired. Classic rock does that to me. I’ll go a long time without listening to an artist, and it’ll be good when I finally do…and then it’s too much and it’ll be like four years at least before I listen to another Bob Seger song. So, I switched over to Blondie who was nearby in the B’s. Yeah, that’s classic rock too, but it’s weird so it’s still fresh to me.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw: