You know that person. You may know several of them. You’re probably even related to one, two, or too many of them. And you probably don’t talk to them anymore.
One day they seem like rational human beings. They walk. They talk. They breathe. They wear pants. You never had an experience with them spreading racist conspiracy theories. You can’t recall a time before 2015 when absurd bullshit and treason came out of their mouths. But one day you turn around, and there it is. This person you’ve known for years has suddenly developed a case of MAGA Pox.
MAGA Pox is very real and it destroys millions of lives and families each year. Countless Thanksgivings have been ruined by MAGA Pox. While few have recovered from MAGA Pox, usually after being attacked by other victims of MAGA Pox, there is no known cure.
The symptoms of MAGA Pox are: After spending years claiming patriotism and recognizing Russia as an adversary to the United States and democracy, the patient suddenly professes love for all things Russian and Putin.
The patient may claim to be an advocate for the Constitution and democracy but then attempts to overthrow an election his side lost.
The patient may just want to get rid of elections altogether and install an orange-stained shitgibbon Oompa-Loompa as an unelected dictator.
The patient will make excuses for sexual assault.
The patient may talk in word salads and talk as if he or she is a child by saying nonsensible phrases like “let’s go, Brandon.”
The patient may accuse political opponents of being “groomers” yet endorse pedophile candidates and support lowering the legal marrying age to 12.
The patient may fly a flag for MAGA on their truck two years after election day.
The patient will still advocate spending billions on a border wall even after it’s pointed out that most immigrants in this nation illegally entered legally and most drugs and weapons entered through border checkpoints.
The patient may exhibit night terrors about Hunter Biden’s laptop without ever asking what’s on it.
The patient may seek health advice from a mixed martial arts podcast host over a professional doctor who’s the nation’s leading virus expert.
The patient may be willing to sacrifice their children for their addiction to MAGA Pox, and send them into a COVID contaminated environment without face masks or having been vaccinated.
The patient may believe in easily debunked conspiracy theories such as chemtrails, Italian satellites, bamboo ballots, Mickey Mouse is a groomer, pizzagate, Hugo Chavez meddled in the last election, George Soros is funding migrant caravans, white people are being replaced by brown immigrants, or the most ridiculous and easily debunked of them all, Trump won.
If a patient finds humor in locking babies in cages, they have MAGA Pox.
A patient may want to consume bleach and aquarium cleaner, though not to cure MAGA Pox, but because of MAGA Pox.
The patient watches Tucker Carlson.
People who are already racist and stupid are candidates for MAGA Pox. In fact, it’s hard to find a racist dumbass in the United States today who isn’t already suffering from MAGA Pox. And people who have lost the ability to reason or exhibit empathy are probably too far gone.
MAGA Pox is like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It doesn’t make sense why some people are MAGAts. Why is Caitlyn Jenner a MAGAt? Why is Roseanne Barr a MAGAt? Why is Kanye a MAGAt? Why is Scott Baio…no, that one makes sense.
I’m not a doctor and only play one in this blog, but if MAGA Pox is left untreated, it won’t just destroy your life and that of your entire family, it can destroy the nation.
Be careful of MAGA Pox. It’s a jungle out there.
Music note: I listened to Sheryl Crow while coloring this one.
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