Pentagon officials testified before a House subcommittee on Tuesday about unidentified flying objects or as some prefer, unidentified aerial phenomenons. We have been conditioned that anytime we hear the term “UFO,” we think of aliens from outer space. But the “U” is for “unidentified.” In case you’re a Republican, yes. “Unidentified” begins with a “U.” Just because something is unidentifiable doesn’t mean it’s not from this planet.

It’s not that I don’t believe there’s life in the universe other than our planet. In fact, I think it would be very arrogant to believe we are the only life or that the universe revolves around us. And if we ever do prove there’s life out there, it’ll definitely prove that a god does not exist. How arrogant is it to believe that a supreme being started life in the universe here on our blue ball? Religion teaches us that the entire universe does revolve around planet Earth.

I’m a bit of a geek. I like a lot of science fiction. I love the idea there’s a galaxy like Star Wars where there are civilizations of various sentient life forms throughout the galaxy, and we can all travel from one planet to the next as easily as going from New York to Idaho, hypothetically. The only people who seem to be going to Idaho lately are racist gun-humpers looking to join a white nationalist militia. In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there’s a place called Knowhere that’s the head of a deceased celestial and the home of the Collector’s museum where he keeps all his stuff collected from across the galaxy, like a dog. It’s a horrible place and Starlord says it sucks, and he’s from Earth. Maybe Idaho is one of our Knowheres…or maybe it’s our entire planet.

My one fear of discovering life outside this planet is that it will all be like Star Trek and just bore us all the fuck to death.

I’m not just open to the possibility of life beyond our planet, I’m certain of it. I think it’s implausible for there not to be life somewhere else. That doesn’t mean there are colonies, cities, or angry beings salivating to conquer us. For all we know, it’s just amoebas. but there is probably life somewhere. What I don’t believe is that we’re being visited. Sorry, kids.

I love science fiction but it’s science fact I believe in. Our Earthly science tells me we’re not being visited. If you are planning a trip to Pluto and have a spaceship that travels 590 miles per hour, it would take you about 680 years to get there. Maybe you have NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft. It only took that thing nine and a half years to reach Pluto. Even then, they needed a push from Jupiter’s gravity. I read.

For alien life to come to our planet, they would have to have technology we can’t even imagine yet, but science does change as we learn more. So to come here, Aliens would have to have the tech and the desire. It would require a reason to visit us despite the time involved…and probably expense. Just how tasty is our flesh to aliens? Maybe they’ll fly a million light-years with a push from Jupiter for Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich. They better call first. And quite frankly, that might be the best reason to come here.

When aliens land in most movies, they land in the USA. Though there was that one time, in “District 9,” where they landed in South Africa, which has to be way worse than landing in the United States. In that case, we never find out they came and it seems their ship broke down over Johannesburg, which for us would be like your car breaking down on a road through trip Indiana. In “District 9,” these higher beings of intelligence really like cat food, the moist kind in cans. None of that dry shit. Your cat’s right. Canned cat food is also the best dining experience you might find in Indiana.

But they usually land here and only occasionally is it because we’re the location of the United Nations. And have you been to that neighborhood? Eh, it’s alright. There are no Subway stations near it, the view is of Queens, and it’s across the street from Trump World Tower. Even New Yorkers don’t go to that neighborhood. In the remake of “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” the alien landed in Central Park at night. Intelligent life would not do that. Also, this intelligent life was Ted from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Disappointed.

The one thing “The Day the Earth Stood Still” got right is that as soon as the alien stepped outside his ship, we shot him. And that was in New York City. If Klaatu landed in Alabama, he’d be lucky if he only got shot. That alien got himself a perty mouth.

Dear aliens, avoid dueling-banjo states.

Immigrants from south of our border are limited with their options. It’s hard to swim to Holland, so they just walk north. But if you’re in a vehicle that can travel across the universe at light speed, you have more options than a pair of Adidas knock-offs will give you. Why would you land in the USA when you can go to France, Germany, or any of the Scandinavian nations everyone raves about. The top ten nations on this planet that have been rated the happiest are all in western Europe and Scandinavia. We’re rated the 19th happiest. Put that on a travel poster. Come to America, where you’re only kinda likely to get shot by a white supremacist with an assault rifle he bought legally, and if you get raped, you’re gonna have that baby. But, you can super-size your combo meals in America.

And we should be grateful for a 19 rating. Half the nation hates the other half. Our infant mortality rate is ridiculous. We’re in the process of denying women rights over their own bodies. We’re the mass-shooting capital of the planet. We’re in the process of making it illegal to vote if you’re black, which will soon join the illegality of walking while black. The majority of this nation consists of religious fundamentalists. The governor of our third-most populous state is in a feud with a cartoon mouse. We only recently figured out that gay people deserve the same rights as heterosexuals, though they’re trying to change that in yee-haw states. We’re outlawing teaching our racist history. We put immigrant children into baby cages. We made an orange racist Oompa-Loompa reality TV host the president (sic) or our nation. Our Chinese food isn’t really Chinese. Every streaming service is raising its prices to deliver the most popular movies from 2009. Two Broke Girls lasted for six seasons while Arrested Development only lasted for three (initially). Someone in this nation thought Train’s “Soul Sister” was a good idea. McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish still only comes with half a slice of cheese. There are still people in this nation putting ketchup on hotdogs. And have you heard of KFC’s Double Down sandwich? That thing alone makes me want to move to France.

And, we are so stupid that when a planet-killing virus spreads across the planet, half the people think aquarium cleaner and bleach are a cure while refusing to wear face masks because they believe it’s a socialist attack on their freedom.

On top of all that, the people we’ve chosen so wisely to lead us consist of Rick Scott, Ron Johnson, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, Ron DeSantis, Rand Paul, Marsha Blackburn, Josh Hawley, Tommy Tuberville, Tom Cotton, Marco Rubio, Cindy Hyde-Smith, Lindsey Graham, Marsha Blackburn, and Ted Cruz. I seriously doubt intelligent life from another planet wants to talk to any of these fuckos, but if they’re into anal probing, I suggest each of them as candidates. We’re talking about miles of ass here. In fact, aliens, go ahead and keep them.

The rest of the world can be ugly too. We kill our most beautiful and amazing creatures (we’re running out of rhinos and they’re awesome). We kill each other. Have you heard what’s happening in Ukraine? The most horrible vile people are in charge of places like North Korea, Belarus, and Saudi Arabia. There’s still an active slave trade on this planet. We’re destroying the planet’s climate. North Korea is threatening to nuke us and South Korea gave us “Baby Shark.” Canada inflicted the globe with Nickelback and poutine (what the fuck is a cheese curd? What’s wrong with cheese that you feel you need to curd it?). Nations argue with each other over who has more right to reject immigrants. Also, I think some people in Europe are starting to put ketchup on hotdogs.

Aliens aren’t coming here because of our intelligence and they don’t want our oil as that’s going to run out. But if they’re coming here, it’s because they want something. Maybe they want our water. Maybe they want to view our wildlife as we do have amazing creatures. Maybe ant aliens want us to enslave us to work in their sugar mines (Hail ants). Maybe they want to convert us to their alien religion.

All the people who claim they were abducted by space aliens are in places like Hooterville, Georgia. And if aliens do abduct from Hooterville and they latch onto Marjorie Taylor Greene to study…they’re not coming back…

…unless she’s delicious.

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