Aliens

Space Bezos


Cjones06122021

The richest man in the planet now wants to be the richest man in the galaxy.

Jeff Bezos owns Amazon, Whole Foods, Metro Goldwyn Mayor, and The Washington Post. He also owns a space company, Blue Origin, and will be part of the crew for its first manned space flight. He’s going to beat fellow billionaires Elon Musk and Richard Branson to be the first rich asshole in space.

Bezos’ billions being spent to shoot him off the third rock from the sun is helped by the fact his tax rate is basically 0.98 percent. ProPublica exposed IRS files showing that the 25 richest jerks in this country have a tax rate of nearly zero. Warren Buffett is buying newspapers left and right, tearing them down to almost nothing, reselling them for a profit, claiming he has a passion for newspapers, all while paying as little in taxes as possible. Maybe he should have bought ProPublica.

In this nation, we tax income but not wealth. That means billionaire jagoffs like Bezos all the way down to the poorest billionaires such as Donald Trump, pay a lower rate than you do. It’s estimated that 11.8 percent of Amazon’s workers in Ohio are receiving welfare benefits. That’s just in one state, but all of Bezo’s employees, even those who collect food stamps to survive, pay higher tax rates than their space-bound billionaire boss.

You may think that’s just Bezos and his fellow billionaires paying very little in taxes. But what about their companies? In 2018, Amazon paid zero in federal taxes. Amazon now accounts for over 50% of all online shopping, forcing small and even large corporations to declare bankruptcy. Amazon’s profits increased to nearly 200 percent during the pandemic (I know I helped). On top of that, The National Labor Relations Board this year claims that Amazon retaliated against staffers who raised concerns about warehouse safety by firing them.

I don’t want to hate rich people just because they’re rich, but when a billionaire like Bezos is lavishly spending $25 million on a new Los Angeles mansion, $23 million on a Washington mansion, $17 million on a Manhattan apartment, $500 million on a new yacht, $65 million on a private jet, $42 million on a clock (dude, there’s a clock on your cell phone), and a billion to send his happy rich ass to space, getting a huge tax cut from the Trump administration while not paying taxes, the rich are making it hard not to hate them.

But hey, when you’re such a rich jerk that dogs won’t play with you, do what Bezos does…and buy a robot dog. You can program it to lick your face.

We need to raise taxes on the rich. We need to tax wealth. We need to eliminate tax loopholes. Republicans are fighting for the rich rather than for you because they’re bought and paid for by the rich. We can fix that. From a post I recently saw somewhere on social media: All we have to do is eat one billionaire and the rest will fall in line. It’s not like any of them are a Bruce Wayne or a Tony Stark.

Tony Stark went to space to fight Thanos. I suspect Bezos wants to go to space to become Thanos. I expect his trip to be like Ivanka Trump at Buckingham Palace, a photo-op for a creepy smile peering from a window reminding us just how much better humans they are than the rest of us.

Quite frankly, I think they can be better than the rest of us but they have to go to space to prove it. So, let’s shoot them all into space. We can even save money by not bothering to bring them back.

Spending billions to send yourself to space, when you know you don’t have the right stuff, while your employees are living off of generic Ramen noodles, and you’re not paying taxes, takes some serious space balls.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have two copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Hunka-Hunka Recount


CNN05232021

Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday. 

I did something really stupid the other day, but it worked out.

I sent a few ideas earlier than usual to my CNN editor last Friday. We can work pretty late, so when he called me at 9:00 A.M. to tell me he wanted us to go with one of the three ideas I had just sent, I was thrilled. That meant I could finish up early, go outside, skip, frolic, and play. But I talked him out of using that cartoon and I had to go back to writing ideas. It worked out for the best.

I got the Elvis idea. In fact, I had three Elvis ideas and this was my favorite, and I still finished early. Plus, I liked this cartoon a lot better than the one I talked him out of using. It’s a lot of fun to draw Elvis, aliens, and spaceships. I also had fun with the bumper stickers and banana sandwiches. The “Memphis” bumper sticker isn’t as much for Elvis as it is for one of my colleagues at CNN who is from Memphis.

And in case you’ve never had one, banana sandwiches are delicious.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have Three copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

The Truth Is Staying Out There


cjones12222017

The Pentagon is getting their UFO on.

From the day Donald Trump came into office, I’ve told people our government has never encountered nor has proof aliens from another world has ever visited ours. If there were top government secrets about it Trump would have told us by now…or at least Vladimir Putin. A buddy of mine told me that’s not proof because maybe smarter heads at the Pentagon wouldn’t tell Trump. That makes sense too. I’m sure there’s some government secrets not told to presidents. And, if there was ever a president you don’t want to give classified information to then that president is big orange dumbass Tweeterdore.

As it turns out, maybe aliens don’t exist but that hasn’t stopped the Pentagon from having a secret program investigating UFOs.

It was initiated by then Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, from Nevada, in 2007. The military had announced way back in 1969 that UFOs were not worth studying, but that didn’t stop them from spending $22 million on a program. Then again, the Pentagon has been known to spend thousands on hammers and toilet seats.

The Department of Defense even released a video of a Navy Super Hornet encountering an unknown object that has been described as “defying physics.”

The department says they ended the program in 2012 but there are reports it’s still in operation. So, a secret program that doesn’t exist anymore but if it does, it’s a secret once again.

I also told my friend that if there are aliens out there, then I hope they don’t land while Trump is president. Seriously, that’ll just make them turn around and go home or worse, give us the Alderan treatment to put us out of our misery.

If they do land and insist upon meeting our leader, and we can’t find Angela Merkel or Justin Trudeau, then let’s take them to that animatronic Trump Disney just released. It is disturbing looking and probably scares children and small animals, but it resembles Jon Voight more than Donald Trump and it speaks in somewhat complete sentences without lying or its teeth falling out.

And, if Mueller can’t save us then maybe the aliens will take us with them.

For the record, I think it’s egocentric to believe we’re the only life in the universe but I don’t believe we’ve ever been visited. I also do not believe in the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, yetis, leprechauns, vampires, smurfs, fraggles, Santa Claus, God, chupacabras, or quality barbecue on the East coast. But then again, a little over a year ago I didn’t believe my fellow Americans would put an orange, racist, infantile, narcissistic dumbass in the White House.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.