Aliens

Space Tripping with the King


You don’t need a blog today. More importantly, I don’t need to write a blog after drawing until 4 p.m. on a Saturday.

There are a lot more important things I should probably be covering since I have covered the Alex Jones story already, but this was too much fun.

I don’t think my entire readership put together can find all the Easter eggs in this cartoon. Good luck.

Update, all the Easter eggs found by readers so far:
I don’t give away the Easter eggs, and people ask me all the time what something is before it’s been found. What’s the point of hiding Easter eggs if I have to point them out? I have put thousands of Easter eggs in my cartoons that still haven’t been found. But, these have been found so I’m gonna go ahead and spill them in case you’re still searching.

Nixon’s head in a jar (nod to Futurama).
Space cat (I made him up).
Elvis’ banana sandwich.
Elvis’ “TCB” belt buckle.
Bumper sticker “You can have my ray gun when you pry it out from my cold dead tentacles.”
Borg Cube.
Millenium Falcon.
Meteor Worm from “The Empire Strikes Back” chasing Millenium Falcon.
“Keep Altair IV Weird” bumper sticker from “Forbidden Planet.”
Aurebesh (Star Wars alphabet) bumper sticker translated to “shit happens.”
And perhaps the toughest catch of them all, the galaxy on Orion’s belt from “Men In Black.”

And, some people are finding things that aren’t actually there.

Music note: I listened to Kaiser Chiefs and Kings of Leon. No Elvis.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Intelligent Life


Pentagon officials testified before a House subcommittee on Tuesday about unidentified flying objects or as some prefer, unidentified aerial phenomenons. We have been conditioned that anytime we hear the term “UFO,” we think of aliens from outer space. But the “U” is for “unidentified.” In case you’re a Republican, yes. “Unidentified” begins with a “U.” Just because something is unidentifiable doesn’t mean it’s not from this planet.

It’s not that I don’t believe there’s life in the universe other than our planet. In fact, I think it would be very arrogant to believe we are the only life or that the universe revolves around us. And if we ever do prove there’s life out there, it’ll definitely prove that a god does not exist. How arrogant is it to believe that a supreme being started life in the universe here on our blue ball? Religion teaches us that the entire universe does revolve around planet Earth.

I’m a bit of a geek. I like a lot of science fiction. I love the idea there’s a galaxy like Star Wars where there are civilizations of various sentient life forms throughout the galaxy, and we can all travel from one planet to the next as easily as going from New York to Idaho, hypothetically. The only people who seem to be going to Idaho lately are racist gun-humpers looking to join a white nationalist militia. In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there’s a place called Knowhere that’s the head of a deceased celestial and the home of the Collector’s museum where he keeps all his stuff collected from across the galaxy, like a dog. It’s a horrible place and Starlord says it sucks, and he’s from Earth. Maybe Idaho is one of our Knowheres…or maybe it’s our entire planet.

My one fear of discovering life outside this planet is that it will all be like Star Trek and just bore us all the fuck to death.

I’m not just open to the possibility of life beyond our planet, I’m certain of it. I think it’s implausible for there not to be life somewhere else. That doesn’t mean there are colonies, cities, or angry beings salivating to conquer us. For all we know, it’s just amoebas. but there is probably life somewhere. What I don’t believe is that we’re being visited. Sorry, kids.

I love science fiction but it’s science fact I believe in. Our Earthly science tells me we’re not being visited. If you are planning a trip to Pluto and have a spaceship that travels 590 miles per hour, it would take you about 680 years to get there. Maybe you have NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft. It only took that thing nine and a half years to reach Pluto. Even then, they needed a push from Jupiter’s gravity. I read.

For alien life to come to our planet, they would have to have technology we can’t even imagine yet, but science does change as we learn more. So to come here, Aliens would have to have the tech and the desire. It would require a reason to visit us despite the time involved…and probably expense. Just how tasty is our flesh to aliens? Maybe they’ll fly a million light-years with a push from Jupiter for Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich. They better call first. And quite frankly, that might be the best reason to come here.

When aliens land in most movies, they land in the USA. Though there was that one time, in “District 9,” where they landed in South Africa, which has to be way worse than landing in the United States. In that case, we never find out they came and it seems their ship broke down over Johannesburg, which for us would be like your car breaking down on a road through trip Indiana. In “District 9,” these higher beings of intelligence really like cat food, the moist kind in cans. None of that dry shit. Your cat’s right. Canned cat food is also the best dining experience you might find in Indiana.

But they usually land here and only occasionally is it because we’re the location of the United Nations. And have you been to that neighborhood? Eh, it’s alright. There are no Subway stations near it, the view is of Queens, and it’s across the street from Trump World Tower. Even New Yorkers don’t go to that neighborhood. In the remake of “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” the alien landed in Central Park at night. Intelligent life would not do that. Also, this intelligent life was Ted from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Disappointed.

The one thing “The Day the Earth Stood Still” got right is that as soon as the alien stepped outside his ship, we shot him. And that was in New York City. If Klaatu landed in Alabama, he’d be lucky if he only got shot. That alien got himself a perty mouth.

Dear aliens, avoid dueling-banjo states.

Immigrants from south of our border are limited with their options. It’s hard to swim to Holland, so they just walk north. But if you’re in a vehicle that can travel across the universe at light speed, you have more options than a pair of Adidas knock-offs will give you. Why would you land in the USA when you can go to France, Germany, or any of the Scandinavian nations everyone raves about. The top ten nations on this planet that have been rated the happiest are all in western Europe and Scandinavia. We’re rated the 19th happiest. Put that on a travel poster. Come to America, where you’re only kinda likely to get shot by a white supremacist with an assault rifle he bought legally, and if you get raped, you’re gonna have that baby. But, you can super-size your combo meals in America.

And we should be grateful for a 19 rating. Half the nation hates the other half. Our infant mortality rate is ridiculous. We’re in the process of denying women rights over their own bodies. We’re the mass-shooting capital of the planet. We’re in the process of making it illegal to vote if you’re black, which will soon join the illegality of walking while black. The majority of this nation consists of religious fundamentalists. The governor of our third-most populous state is in a feud with a cartoon mouse. We only recently figured out that gay people deserve the same rights as heterosexuals, though they’re trying to change that in yee-haw states. We’re outlawing teaching our racist history. We put immigrant children into baby cages. We made an orange racist Oompa-Loompa reality TV host the president (sic) or our nation. Our Chinese food isn’t really Chinese. Every streaming service is raising its prices to deliver the most popular movies from 2009. Two Broke Girls lasted for six seasons while Arrested Development only lasted for three (initially). Someone in this nation thought Train’s “Soul Sister” was a good idea. McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish still only comes with half a slice of cheese. There are still people in this nation putting ketchup on hotdogs. And have you heard of KFC’s Double Down sandwich? That thing alone makes me want to move to France.

And, we are so stupid that when a planet-killing virus spreads across the planet, half the people think aquarium cleaner and bleach are a cure while refusing to wear face masks because they believe it’s a socialist attack on their freedom.

On top of all that, the people we’ve chosen so wisely to lead us consist of Rick Scott, Ron Johnson, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, Ron DeSantis, Rand Paul, Marsha Blackburn, Josh Hawley, Tommy Tuberville, Tom Cotton, Marco Rubio, Cindy Hyde-Smith, Lindsey Graham, Marsha Blackburn, and Ted Cruz. I seriously doubt intelligent life from another planet wants to talk to any of these fuckos, but if they’re into anal probing, I suggest each of them as candidates. We’re talking about miles of ass here. In fact, aliens, go ahead and keep them.

The rest of the world can be ugly too. We kill our most beautiful and amazing creatures (we’re running out of rhinos and they’re awesome). We kill each other. Have you heard what’s happening in Ukraine? The most horrible vile people are in charge of places like North Korea, Belarus, and Saudi Arabia. There’s still an active slave trade on this planet. We’re destroying the planet’s climate. North Korea is threatening to nuke us and South Korea gave us “Baby Shark.” Canada inflicted the globe with Nickelback and poutine (what the fuck is a cheese curd? What’s wrong with cheese that you feel you need to curd it?). Nations argue with each other over who has more right to reject immigrants. Also, I think some people in Europe are starting to put ketchup on hotdogs.

Aliens aren’t coming here because of our intelligence and they don’t want our oil as that’s going to run out. But if they’re coming here, it’s because they want something. Maybe they want our water. Maybe they want to view our wildlife as we do have amazing creatures. Maybe ant aliens want us to enslave us to work in their sugar mines (Hail ants). Maybe they want to convert us to their alien religion.

All the people who claim they were abducted by space aliens are in places like Hooterville, Georgia. And if aliens do abduct from Hooterville and they latch onto Marjorie Taylor Greene to study…they’re not coming back…

…unless she’s delicious.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Space Twit


Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday. 

I already wrote one blog this week on Elon and Twitter, so click the link above and read my editor’s column.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Space Bezos


Cjones06122021

The richest man in the planet now wants to be the richest man in the galaxy.

Jeff Bezos owns Amazon, Whole Foods, Metro Goldwyn Mayor, and The Washington Post. He also owns a space company, Blue Origin, and will be part of the crew for its first manned space flight. He’s going to beat fellow billionaires Elon Musk and Richard Branson to be the first rich asshole in space.

Bezos’ billions being spent to shoot him off the third rock from the sun is helped by the fact his tax rate is basically 0.98 percent. ProPublica exposed IRS files showing that the 25 richest jerks in this country have a tax rate of nearly zero. Warren Buffett is buying newspapers left and right, tearing them down to almost nothing, reselling them for a profit, claiming he has a passion for newspapers, all while paying as little in taxes as possible. Maybe he should have bought ProPublica.

In this nation, we tax income but not wealth. That means billionaire jagoffs like Bezos all the way down to the poorest billionaires such as Donald Trump, pay a lower rate than you do. It’s estimated that 11.8 percent of Amazon’s workers in Ohio are receiving welfare benefits. That’s just in one state, but all of Bezo’s employees, even those who collect food stamps to survive, pay higher tax rates than their space-bound billionaire boss.

You may think that’s just Bezos and his fellow billionaires paying very little in taxes. But what about their companies? In 2018, Amazon paid zero in federal taxes. Amazon now accounts for over 50% of all online shopping, forcing small and even large corporations to declare bankruptcy. Amazon’s profits increased to nearly 200 percent during the pandemic (I know I helped). On top of that, The National Labor Relations Board this year claims that Amazon retaliated against staffers who raised concerns about warehouse safety by firing them.

I don’t want to hate rich people just because they’re rich, but when a billionaire like Bezos is lavishly spending $25 million on a new Los Angeles mansion, $23 million on a Washington mansion, $17 million on a Manhattan apartment, $500 million on a new yacht, $65 million on a private jet, $42 million on a clock (dude, there’s a clock on your cell phone), and a billion to send his happy rich ass to space, getting a huge tax cut from the Trump administration while not paying taxes, the rich are making it hard not to hate them.

But hey, when you’re such a rich jerk that dogs won’t play with you, do what Bezos does…and buy a robot dog. You can program it to lick your face.

We need to raise taxes on the rich. We need to tax wealth. We need to eliminate tax loopholes. Republicans are fighting for the rich rather than for you because they’re bought and paid for by the rich. We can fix that. From a post I recently saw somewhere on social media: All we have to do is eat one billionaire and the rest will fall in line. It’s not like any of them are a Bruce Wayne or a Tony Stark.

Tony Stark went to space to fight Thanos. I suspect Bezos wants to go to space to become Thanos. I expect his trip to be like Ivanka Trump at Buckingham Palace, a photo-op for a creepy smile peering from a window reminding us just how much better humans they are than the rest of us.

Quite frankly, I think they can be better than the rest of us but they have to go to space to prove it. So, let’s shoot them all into space. We can even save money by not bothering to bring them back.

Spending billions to send yourself to space, when you know you don’t have the right stuff, while your employees are living off of generic Ramen noodles, and you’re not paying taxes, takes some serious space balls.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have two copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Hunka-Hunka Recount


CNN05232021

Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday. 

I did something really stupid the other day, but it worked out.

I sent a few ideas earlier than usual to my CNN editor last Friday. We can work pretty late, so when he called me at 9:00 A.M. to tell me he wanted us to go with one of the three ideas I had just sent, I was thrilled. That meant I could finish up early, go outside, skip, frolic, and play. But I talked him out of using that cartoon and I had to go back to writing ideas. It worked out for the best.

I got the Elvis idea. In fact, I had three Elvis ideas and this was my favorite, and I still finished early. Plus, I liked this cartoon a lot better than the one I talked him out of using. It’s a lot of fun to draw Elvis, aliens, and spaceships. I also had fun with the bumper stickers and banana sandwiches. The “Memphis” bumper sticker isn’t as much for Elvis as it is for one of my colleagues at CNN who is from Memphis.

And in case you’ve never had one, banana sandwiches are delicious.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have Three copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

The Truth Is Staying Out There


cjones12222017

The Pentagon is getting their UFO on.

From the day Donald Trump came into office, I’ve told people our government has never encountered nor has proof aliens from another world has ever visited ours. If there were top government secrets about it Trump would have told us by now…or at least Vladimir Putin. A buddy of mine told me that’s not proof because maybe smarter heads at the Pentagon wouldn’t tell Trump. That makes sense too. I’m sure there’s some government secrets not told to presidents. And, if there was ever a president you don’t want to give classified information to then that president is big orange dumbass Tweeterdore.

As it turns out, maybe aliens don’t exist but that hasn’t stopped the Pentagon from having a secret program investigating UFOs.

It was initiated by then Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, from Nevada, in 2007. The military had announced way back in 1969 that UFOs were not worth studying, but that didn’t stop them from spending $22 million on a program. Then again, the Pentagon has been known to spend thousands on hammers and toilet seats.

The Department of Defense even released a video of a Navy Super Hornet encountering an unknown object that has been described as “defying physics.”

The department says they ended the program in 2012 but there are reports it’s still in operation. So, a secret program that doesn’t exist anymore but if it does, it’s a secret once again.

I also told my friend that if there are aliens out there, then I hope they don’t land while Trump is president. Seriously, that’ll just make them turn around and go home or worse, give us the Alderan treatment to put us out of our misery.

If they do land and insist upon meeting our leader, and we can’t find Angela Merkel or Justin Trudeau, then let’s take them to that animatronic Trump Disney just released. It is disturbing looking and probably scares children and small animals, but it resembles Jon Voight more than Donald Trump and it speaks in somewhat complete sentences without lying or its teeth falling out.

And, if Mueller can’t save us then maybe the aliens will take us with them.

For the record, I think it’s egocentric to believe we’re the only life in the universe but I don’t believe we’ve ever been visited. I also do not believe in the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, yetis, leprechauns, vampires, smurfs, fraggles, Santa Claus, God, chupacabras, or quality barbecue on the East coast. But then again, a little over a year ago I didn’t believe my fellow Americans would put an orange, racist, infantile, narcissistic dumbass in the White House.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.