Space

Space Man Meets Florida Man

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis finally announced his candidacy for the White House yesterday, after his state legislature removed the legal burden preventing current governors of that state from running. And DeSantis’ announcement was a total and complete disaster. The “failure to launch” is only part of it.

Every presidential candidate makes their announcement from a safe environment. Most announcements, whether the candidate is a Democrat or a Republican, are at rallies full of supporters. Hell, Donald Trump held his first one in the lobby of Trump Tower (where he paid people to pretend to support him) and his second in the ballroom of his Mara-a-Lago (which Fox News stopped airing live out of boredom, but told us to take Sean Hannity’s word for how awesome it was). I didn’t think it could get much friendlier than that until DeSantis did what he did yesterday.

DeSantis didn’t hold a rally or even make the announcement on a talk show (like Arnold Schwarzenneger did when he announced his campaign for governor of California). DeSantis held it on Twitter Spaces, which is a new platform for audio conversations. DeSantis was trying to get around traditional media as he hates most news outlets, although he did run to Fox News right after his Twitter Spaces event.

And, it was hosted by Twitter owner Elon Music and moderated by David Sacks, who most people don’t know. And, it took 20 minutes for the event to get rolling because the platform kept crashing. Elon claimed it was because of the amount of users logging on to witness the audio-only event, but the real blame falls on Elon for running a shitshow, and on DeSantis for not thinking this one through. How great of a campaign can DeSantis run if his first move was to follow Elon?

DeSantis was avoiding crowds because he has zero charm, charisma, and personality. he’s not good with humans which explains why he hung out with Elon. And he was avoiding real news outlets because he’s a coward. He fielded softball questions from goons like Republican congressman Thomas Massie, Chris Rufo, Dana Loesch, and Iowa radio host Steve Deace. It was a real slobberfest as DeSantis promised to bring his brand of Florida fascism to the rest of the nation.

Elon called the event “historic,” though it was really just a radio broadcast which has been done. Elon is going to claim he invented radio after this. And it was a platform, “Twitter Spaces,” that most people have never heard of before. They may as well have made the announcement on MySpace.

Elon is working to turn Twitter into a right-wing paradise. Many of my readers have told me that my posts no longer show up in their feeds, and my news feed is made up mostly of right-wing goons I don’t follow.

This was a stupid move for DeSantis because most Americans are NOT on Twitter. Only 42 percent of Americans aged 12-34 are on Twitter. And that’s Twitter, not Twitter Spaces. DeSantis isn’t going to win by only appealing to 12-34-year-olds. If DeSantis had made his announcement at a rally, or even just by zooming it from his broom closet, every news outlet would have run it live, at least for the first few minutes before viewers got bored.

This fiasco of a campaign announcement isn’t just great news for Donald Trump and other Republicans but for the entire nation. It’s an indication of just how bad of a campaign DeSantis is building. Sure, Bootsie has a lot of cash on hand but he doesn’t know how to spend it. Puddin’ Fingers might be able to build a statewide coalition, but it’s after he steps outside of Florida that everyone sees his pudding is vanilla and boring.

We probably don’t have to fear a Ron DeSantis presidency but we still have to fear Republican fascism. We still have to fear a Florida Man.

Creative note: The cartoonist I compete against the most is myself. When I do these types of cartoons, I try not to repeat Easter eggs from previous cartoons…but a few are still repeated. C’mon, if I did a cartoon like this without Pizza Rat, an angry mob would show up at my door with torches and pitchforks.

Music note: Something made me want to listen to the soundtrack to Little Shop of Horrors.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Advertisement

Hunka Hunka Spy Balloons

The Pentagon says it shot down another flying object yesterday over frozen waters off the coast of Alaska. This time, they say it was smaller than the Chinese spy balloon they shot down over the Atlantic Ocean last Saturday, which they described as being as large as three buses. They say the one over Alaska was about the size of a car. They’re also not sure if it’s a balloon or from where it came. They literally shot down an unidentified flying object, a UFO.

Republicans were quick to criticize this even though they don’t have information and as usual, it’s a subject they’re ignorant on.

The difference between the object shot down yesterday and the balloon shot down Saturday is that the balloon was flying at around 65,000 feet which isn’t dangerous to anyone. The car-sized object was flying at around 40,000 feet which puts air traffic in extreme danger.

What Republicans should do is start criticizing President Biden for shooting this object down before we know what it is. What if it was a craft from outer space carrying diplomats to make peace and for some fucked up reason were confused and thought Sarah Palin was a being of higher intelligence, thus explaining why they were flying over Alaska? And then along comes Joe and shoots them down when they’re bringing the cure for cancer and free tacos for the entire planet.

Now, thanks to Joe Biden, we’ll never get the cure for cancer or those free space tacos. Even worse, he probably pissed off the beings from Karplaxghanistan, and now they’re pissed. What if one of those aliens was the son of the king of Karplaxghanistan and now he seeks revenge against us?

Now, they’re going to come down here with their higher technology, eat most of us, and put the rest to work in their sugar mines. Fuck.

Thanks, a lot, Brandon. Thanks. A. Lot.

Creative note: I do these space cartoons from time to time and I recently did one where I went crazy with the Easter eggs. The details inside the main spaceship are the same, but everything outside the cockpit is different. And no, I don’t want to tell you what’s out there. Get to you, you.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Space Tripping with the King

You don’t need a blog today. More importantly, I don’t need to write a blog after drawing until 4 p.m. on a Saturday.

There are a lot more important things I should probably be covering since I have covered the Alex Jones story already, but this was too much fun.

I don’t think my entire readership put together can find all the Easter eggs in this cartoon. Good luck.

Update, all the Easter eggs found by readers so far:
I don’t give away the Easter eggs, and people ask me all the time what something is before it’s been found. What’s the point of hiding Easter eggs if I have to point them out? I have put thousands of Easter eggs in my cartoons that still haven’t been found. But, these have been found so I’m gonna go ahead and spill them in case you’re still searching.

Nixon’s head in a jar (nod to Futurama).
Space cat (I made him up).
Elvis’ banana sandwich.
Elvis’ “TCB” belt buckle.
Bumper sticker “You can have my ray gun when you pry it out from my cold dead tentacles.”
Borg Cube.
Millenium Falcon.
Meteor Worm from “The Empire Strikes Back” chasing Millenium Falcon.
“Keep Altair IV Weird” bumper sticker from “Forbidden Planet.”
Aurebesh (Star Wars alphabet) bumper sticker translated to “shit happens.”
And perhaps the toughest catch of them all, the galaxy on Orion’s belt from “Men In Black.”

And, some people are finding things that aren’t actually there.

Music note: I listened to Kaiser Chiefs and Kings of Leon. No Elvis.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Intelligent Life

Pentagon officials testified before a House subcommittee on Tuesday about unidentified flying objects or as some prefer, unidentified aerial phenomenons. We have been conditioned that anytime we hear the term “UFO,” we think of aliens from outer space. But the “U” is for “unidentified.” In case you’re a Republican, yes. “Unidentified” begins with a “U.” Just because something is unidentifiable doesn’t mean it’s not from this planet.

It’s not that I don’t believe there’s life in the universe other than our planet. In fact, I think it would be very arrogant to believe we are the only life or that the universe revolves around us. And if we ever do prove there’s life out there, it’ll definitely prove that a god does not exist. How arrogant is it to believe that a supreme being started life in the universe here on our blue ball? Religion teaches us that the entire universe does revolve around planet Earth.

I’m a bit of a geek. I like a lot of science fiction. I love the idea there’s a galaxy like Star Wars where there are civilizations of various sentient life forms throughout the galaxy, and we can all travel from one planet to the next as easily as going from New York to Idaho, hypothetically. The only people who seem to be going to Idaho lately are racist gun-humpers looking to join a white nationalist militia. In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there’s a place called Knowhere that’s the head of a deceased celestial and the home of the Collector’s museum where he keeps all his stuff collected from across the galaxy, like a dog. It’s a horrible place and Starlord says it sucks, and he’s from Earth. Maybe Idaho is one of our Knowheres…or maybe it’s our entire planet.

My one fear of discovering life outside this planet is that it will all be like Star Trek and just bore us all the fuck to death.

I’m not just open to the possibility of life beyond our planet, I’m certain of it. I think it’s implausible for there not to be life somewhere else. That doesn’t mean there are colonies, cities, or angry beings salivating to conquer us. For all we know, it’s just amoebas. but there is probably life somewhere. What I don’t believe is that we’re being visited. Sorry, kids.

I love science fiction but it’s science fact I believe in. Our Earthly science tells me we’re not being visited. If you are planning a trip to Pluto and have a spaceship that travels 590 miles per hour, it would take you about 680 years to get there. Maybe you have NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft. It only took that thing nine and a half years to reach Pluto. Even then, they needed a push from Jupiter’s gravity. I read.

For alien life to come to our planet, they would have to have technology we can’t even imagine yet, but science does change as we learn more. So to come here, Aliens would have to have the tech and the desire. It would require a reason to visit us despite the time involved…and probably expense. Just how tasty is our flesh to aliens? Maybe they’ll fly a million light-years with a push from Jupiter for Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich. They better call first. And quite frankly, that might be the best reason to come here.

When aliens land in most movies, they land in the USA. Though there was that one time, in “District 9,” where they landed in South Africa, which has to be way worse than landing in the United States. In that case, we never find out they came and it seems their ship broke down over Johannesburg, which for us would be like your car breaking down on a road through trip Indiana. In “District 9,” these higher beings of intelligence really like cat food, the moist kind in cans. None of that dry shit. Your cat’s right. Canned cat food is also the best dining experience you might find in Indiana.

But they usually land here and only occasionally is it because we’re the location of the United Nations. And have you been to that neighborhood? Eh, it’s alright. There are no Subway stations near it, the view is of Queens, and it’s across the street from Trump World Tower. Even New Yorkers don’t go to that neighborhood. In the remake of “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” the alien landed in Central Park at night. Intelligent life would not do that. Also, this intelligent life was Ted from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Disappointed.

The one thing “The Day the Earth Stood Still” got right is that as soon as the alien stepped outside his ship, we shot him. And that was in New York City. If Klaatu landed in Alabama, he’d be lucky if he only got shot. That alien got himself a perty mouth.

Dear aliens, avoid dueling-banjo states.

Immigrants from south of our border are limited with their options. It’s hard to swim to Holland, so they just walk north. But if you’re in a vehicle that can travel across the universe at light speed, you have more options than a pair of Adidas knock-offs will give you. Why would you land in the USA when you can go to France, Germany, or any of the Scandinavian nations everyone raves about. The top ten nations on this planet that have been rated the happiest are all in western Europe and Scandinavia. We’re rated the 19th happiest. Put that on a travel poster. Come to America, where you’re only kinda likely to get shot by a white supremacist with an assault rifle he bought legally, and if you get raped, you’re gonna have that baby. But, you can super-size your combo meals in America.

And we should be grateful for a 19 rating. Half the nation hates the other half. Our infant mortality rate is ridiculous. We’re in the process of denying women rights over their own bodies. We’re the mass-shooting capital of the planet. We’re in the process of making it illegal to vote if you’re black, which will soon join the illegality of walking while black. The majority of this nation consists of religious fundamentalists. The governor of our third-most populous state is in a feud with a cartoon mouse. We only recently figured out that gay people deserve the same rights as heterosexuals, though they’re trying to change that in yee-haw states. We’re outlawing teaching our racist history. We put immigrant children into baby cages. We made an orange racist Oompa-Loompa reality TV host the president (sic) or our nation. Our Chinese food isn’t really Chinese. Every streaming service is raising its prices to deliver the most popular movies from 2009. Two Broke Girls lasted for six seasons while Arrested Development only lasted for three (initially). Someone in this nation thought Train’s “Soul Sister” was a good idea. McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish still only comes with half a slice of cheese. There are still people in this nation putting ketchup on hotdogs. And have you heard of KFC’s Double Down sandwich? That thing alone makes me want to move to France.

And, we are so stupid that when a planet-killing virus spreads across the planet, half the people think aquarium cleaner and bleach are a cure while refusing to wear face masks because they believe it’s a socialist attack on their freedom.

On top of all that, the people we’ve chosen so wisely to lead us consist of Rick Scott, Ron Johnson, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, Ron DeSantis, Rand Paul, Marsha Blackburn, Josh Hawley, Tommy Tuberville, Tom Cotton, Marco Rubio, Cindy Hyde-Smith, Lindsey Graham, Marsha Blackburn, and Ted Cruz. I seriously doubt intelligent life from another planet wants to talk to any of these fuckos, but if they’re into anal probing, I suggest each of them as candidates. We’re talking about miles of ass here. In fact, aliens, go ahead and keep them.

The rest of the world can be ugly too. We kill our most beautiful and amazing creatures (we’re running out of rhinos and they’re awesome). We kill each other. Have you heard what’s happening in Ukraine? The most horrible vile people are in charge of places like North Korea, Belarus, and Saudi Arabia. There’s still an active slave trade on this planet. We’re destroying the planet’s climate. North Korea is threatening to nuke us and South Korea gave us “Baby Shark.” Canada inflicted the globe with Nickelback and poutine (what the fuck is a cheese curd? What’s wrong with cheese that you feel you need to curd it?). Nations argue with each other over who has more right to reject immigrants. Also, I think some people in Europe are starting to put ketchup on hotdogs.

Aliens aren’t coming here because of our intelligence and they don’t want our oil as that’s going to run out. But if they’re coming here, it’s because they want something. Maybe they want our water. Maybe they want to view our wildlife as we do have amazing creatures. Maybe ant aliens want us to enslave us to work in their sugar mines (Hail ants). Maybe they want to convert us to their alien religion.

All the people who claim they were abducted by space aliens are in places like Hooterville, Georgia. And if aliens do abduct from Hooterville and they latch onto Marjorie Taylor Greene to study…they’re not coming back…

…unless she’s delicious.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Space Twit

Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday. 

I already wrote one blog this week on Elon and Twitter, so click the link above and read my editor’s column.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Musk You Mansplain?

CjonesRGB12192021

Kids, class is in session. Today, I’m going to educate you on the use of a specific slur. Now, not all of you need to be schooled on this but there are quite a few of you who are ignorant motherfuckers, so you’re the ones I’m really talking to.

The slur we’re going to address today is “Karen.” Everybody has heard this used before but some of you aren’t using it correctly. Wait, there’s a question from the class. Is it always sexist to use the slur “Karen?” The best answer I can give you is, probably. But, there are times when it’s definitely sexist.

A few days ago, one of my cartooning colleagues used “Karen” in a tweet. Even though nobody knew who he was tweeting to or what he was talking about, he got screamed at a lot for being sexist. He apologized and promised never to use it again. Even though nobody knew how he was using it except it was supposed to be an insult directed at someone, it was decided it was sexist. It probably was.

Another question? Yes? What is a Karen? Good question.

First off, a Karen has to be white and female. Now, if you call a dude “Karen,” then you are being sexist. Some men are called “Kens.” And since there is a “Ken” maybe that means “Karen” isn’t always sexist. But, the true meaning of Karen means an entitled and demanding white woman. Now if you want to call a black woman a Karen…never mind. Just do it. I dare you.

Remember that lady in Central Park who called the cops because she saw a black guy? Remember that other time when a white lady called the cops because she saw a black family having a picnic? Remember when Donald Trump asked a black reporter to set up a meeting between him and black members of Congress because all black people must know each other (for the part for a minute where that’s NOT a reporter’s job)? Remember the white St. Louis couple who pulled out and pointed guns because black people were walking in front of their house? Ever see a white person ask to see the manager? Ever see a white person screaming they shouldn’t have to wear a face mask during the pandemic? Those are classic Karen moments.

The pandemic has been ripe for Karens.

A few months ago, I was at my favorite sushi place in town and I was standing in line behind a white woman. She was dressed very nicely as if she came from money, but I wasn’t judging…yet. The wait was taking a couple minutes and as a younger lady walked near us, the nicely-dressed woman, I guess she was tired of standing in line, stopped the younger woman and said she just wanted to get a table and if the young woman could take her to one. The young girl told her, “I don’t work here.” The young girl was Asian. And then I said very loudly, “Good job, Karen.”

I lied. I didn’t say that. I only thought it. I was afraid if I did say that, then the older woman would’ve clocked me, or at the very least, I’d still have to stand in line next to her for a few more minutes. I’m not letting no Karen get between me and my spicy tuna roll. But, I think that would have been the proper use of “Karen.” The older white woman was entitled, believing she shouldn’t have to wait in line, and she assumed the younger woman worked at the sushi restaurant because she was Asian.

What is not a proper use of “Karen” is when you hurl it at a female just because she disagrees with you. Basically, if you’re a Republican, you shouldn’t use it at all. If you’re rich, yeah, just don’t. That word doesn’t belong to you. It’s kinda like when liberals called Don Jr “Fredo,” and then Trumpers started using it for Hunter Biden and Chris Cuomo. The “Let’s Go Brandon” morons can’t create good insults. Case in point “Let’s go Brandon.” Also, “snowflake,” and “libtard.”

Billionaire Elon Musk used “Karen” incorrectly. Earlier this week, after being named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, he called Senator Elizabeth Warren, “Senator Karen,” for saying Billionaire Elon, who’s worth $297 billion dollars, needs to pay taxes.

Elon tweeted at the Senator, “Stop projecting.” What is she projecting? Is that another word you don’t know how to use, Elon? In 2018, Elizabeth Warren and her husband paid $302,227 on $913,000 of income. Between 2015 to 2017, Elon paid $70,000 for those years combined. In 2018, he paid nothing. So, Elon…what is Elizabeth Warren projecting? And that’s when he called Elizabeth Warren “Senator Karen.”

He continued tweeting and said, “You remind me of when I was a kid and my friend’s angry Mom would just randomly yell at everyone for no reason. Please don’t call the manager on me, Senator Karen.” Can anyone make sense of that? Who’s the manager in this situation? Was the friend’s mom in a grocery store while screaming for no reason? Also, how is Senator Warren a “Karen”? Did Elon just skip through a few right-wing memes?

Let me point something out to you, Elon: Senator Warren has a very good reason to scream at you. Every American taxpayer has a very good reason to scream at you. And you don’t know how to use the term “Karen.”

Another person who doesn’t know how to use the slur is Joe Battenfield of the Boston Herald.

Battenfield wrote that Elon used the term “perfectly,” in that Warren is a “rich, privileged, older white woman used to getting her way and bullying people around.” Battenfield claims the “richest man in the world wins this round” and then uses Elon Musk’s slur in calling Warren “Senator Karen.” Battenfield copied it from Elon Musk because again, conservatives suck at coming up with their own slang and nicknames, even the ones who are writers, like Joe Butthole (It’s cool that I call you “Butthole” since we’re making up nicknames for people now, right?). It’s like how they always use Donald Trump’s juvenile insults like, “Pocahontas.” Oh, yeah. Elon sent a tweet with a link to that too. So, not only are Elon and Joe “Butthole” Battenfield being sexist here, they’re both racists.

Also, what’s funnier than “Senator Karen” is “Space Karen.” You’d think Elon wouldn’t want to bring “Karen” back. “Space Karen” is catchy.

But, Joe Butthole…how is Elizabeth Warren bullying Elon Musk? Leave it to a conservative to say a man worth $297 billion is being bullied by a woman. That’s pretty Karenish right there, Butthole.

When you receive billions in government subsidies and then campaign against other billionaires receiving government subsidies, that’s when you lose all rights to accuse others of being entitled, Space Karen. When you spread misinformation on a pandemic and vaccines, that’s when you lose the right to call anyone a “Karen,” Space Karen. When you buy spaceships just for fun and as a novelty, that’s when you lose all rights to call anyone a “Karen,” Space Karen.

Note: I apologize to all the Karens I know, and those I don’t, who definitely are NOT Karens in this sense. I especially apologize to Karen Black, who is one of my very best friends (even though she won’t even try sushi and puts ketchup on everything), is about as liberal as I am, is a huge advocate for saving the environment, and is part Jamaican. Hell, even her last name is “Black.” So, my favorite Karen, and one of my favorite people (even though I once caught her putting ketchup on a hot dog on America’s birthday), is not a Karen. The Karens are making it really bad for the Karens. I propose we drop “Karen” and replace it with “Ivanka.” Who the hell knows an Ivanka?

Music note: I listened to the Rolling Stones again while drawing today’s cartoon. Maybe I should have listened to some David Bowie.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 18 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw:

Space Litter

CjonesRGB11242021

It’s been a big year for missile tests by U.S. rivals. China test-fired a hypersonic missile that went around the planet. Hypersonic is Mach 5 speed. That’s fast. Russia test-fired a missile in the Arctic. And last week, Russia test-fired a missile in space. Yes, in outer space.

Kids, we spend over $700 billion a year on our military which is more than the next top-ten spending nations combined. So, why are we behind China and Russia in hypersonic missile technology? We spend nearly $4 billion a year on hypersonic missiles that don’t work. How about we spend more money on feeding poor kids and free college and less on military shit that doesn’t work? We could probably put new dog parks in every U.S. city with $4 billion. And I bet dogs would be better at intercepting Chinese missiles than Space Force. I base this on a kung pao Chicken-Beagle interception incident I experienced once.

At this point, our anti-missile missiles have as much of a chance at intercepting a hypersonic missile as Donald Trump has of returning a serve by Serena Williams.

It’s the Russian missile test in space that really has everyone’s dander flaking. Russia blew up one of their own satellites which created a lot of debris in space.

Space debris is a huge problem for spacecraft like the International space station (ISS). The United States Space Surveillance Network is tracking about 20,000 pieces of artificial objects in space. While over 2,200 of this are satellites, the rest is junk from former space missions. It includes pieces of satellites, rockets, boosters, spacecraft, other assorted particles, and even solidified liquids from orbital spacecraft. This stuff can be dangerous to the humans flying around in space, like those on the ISS. A piece of space crap can destroy solar panels, and that’s just for starters. Space junk, in addition to dubstep, may be why aliens never come here.

The over 2,200 artificial objects we are sure about are only the objects large enough to track. Space nerds estimate there are over 128 million pieces of particles orbiting Earth that are from one to ten centimeters in size. Yes, something that small can inflict heavy damage. In case you’re a Republican gun humper and you need a comparison to understand how tiny a centimeter can be, look in your pants.

After the Russians blew up their satellite, the crew of the ISS had to scramble into capsules in case they had to evacuate the station.

The ISS orbits the planet at an altitude of 260 miles. So, if the space billionaire assholes (Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, and Elon Musk) and their egos had been in space during the Russian missile test, they would NOT have been in any danger. Richard Branson got about 52 miles above the planet and Jeff Bezos reached 62. In case you’re a Republican, 260 is a greater amount than 52 and even 62.

This billionaire asshole space race is only to feed billionaire asshole egos, just like the Space Force was only created to placate Billionaire asshole Donald Trump’s ego and to give his racist rally attendees a new catchphrase (this was before they came up with “hang Mike Pence”). What did Space Force do to prevent the Russian missile test? It may have encouraged it.

There is an international treaty that forbids testing missiles in space. It bans nations from claiming the moon and other celestial bodies and forbids military stations in space, like the Death Star. While it doesn’t ban all military activity, creating an entire branch of your military that’s exclusively devoted to space kinda pokes the other 110 signers of the treaty in the eye. However, it’s not like Russia has respected the treaty before the creation of the Space Force. It should be noted that it was the Soviet Union that signed the treaty and not Russia.

But if Russia needs something to shoot down in space, I can think of better targets than satellites. And hey, before you get upset and believe I’m advocating killing billionaire assholes, just think of this like Paul Gosar thinks of his violent and racist anime. It’s just a cartoon.

There’s a lot of crap in space, including billionaire asshole egos.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

Watch me draw: 

Bezos’ Randy Rocket

Cjones07242021

Yesterday, Jeff Bezos inspired the world. If one phallic-looking human being can put a phallic-looking rocket into space for three minutes, imagine what non-phallic-looking humans can do. And if any aliens were on their way to our planet while that rocket was…entering…space, they probably turned around.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a day ahead of everyone else…or at least schmoes on social media. I posted a YouTube clip of the running gag in the Austin Powers movies about how Dr. Evil’s rocket looks like a penis. The only reactions it received were, “Huh?”. And then yesterday after Bezo’s rocket went off, social media lit up with, “Oh my god, that looks like a dick.” Maybe nobody was paying attention to what was about to happen until it happened. Personally, if a flying penis is about to take to the skies, I want to know about it ahead of time.

Two things I was very impressed by was the landing of the rocket right back to its launch pad and that the media could spend hours covering it without once mentioning it’s shaped like a giant scrotum. Most men needing to overcompensate buy sports cars, or really large trucks, or a shit-load of guns to strap to themselves so everyone can see their entire gun collection while shopping for dental at Walmart for their one tooth. Most men don’t overcompensate shoot themselves into space inside a rocket literally shaped like a dick.

My colleagues spent yesterday struggling to find a way to put a dick joke in a cartoon that could get past editors. I saw a few good ones that weren’t too dirty, but probably still won’t be published anywhere other than social media. That goes for this one. Editors probably won’t even read this cartoon and kill it just from the image of the phallic-shaped rocket…while running photos of the phallic-shaped rocket on their front page. The only thing more vulgar would be running photos of Rand Paul on the front page.

If Billionaire Bezos really wanted his rocket to look like a penis, it would have looked like Rand Paul. Why? Because Rand Paul is a dick, a wanker, a scrotum face, a wiener, a dork, a froto, a donger, a knob, a tool, a mushroom head, a Mr. Knish, a schlong dongadoodle, a mutton flap, a pecker head, a prick, a ramburglar, a rod, and a walking fuck stick. Rand Paul is a cock. Even Republicans think Rand Paul is a one-eyed-monster with a nutsack full of bullshit.

During a Senate hearing yesterday, Rand Paul once again went after Dr. Anthony Fauci. Rand Paul, a self-certified eye doctor who looks like he cuts his own hair with an angry aardvark clashed with Dr. Fauci, the nation’s top infectious diseases expert. Rand Paul was certified to be an eye doctor by a board he created and stocked with relatives. Jeff Bezos is more qualified to call himself an astronaut than Rand Paul is qualified to call himself a doctor.

Rand Paul has been a conspiracy theorist and covid denier since covid came about. He continues being a covid denier despite the fact he had covid. While waiting for results after taking a covid test, Rand Paul continued creeping through the halls of Congress knowing full well he could be infecting others with covid. As it turned out, he was positive for covid. I told you he’s a dick. Now, he claims he has lifetime immunity from covid and he’s qualified to say this because…he’s an eye doctor?

Rand Paul accused Dr. Fauci of lying about our nation, under his direction, funding a lab in Wuhan, China and it’s gain-of-function research. The man who risked infecting others has a lot of gall accusing anyone of spreading the virus. It’s shit like this that’s why people physically assault Rand Paul.

Gain-of-function is research that alters a disease, organism, or a virus, increasing it’s pathogenesis, making it more transmittable, and increasing its range. The intention is to be able to predict future diseases and to develop vaccines. What Rand Paul was doing was accusing Dr. Fauci of helping Wuhan create a deadly virus on purpose, then unleashing it unto the world. He accused Dr. Fauci of perjury and the murder of millions. Did I mention Rand Paul is a dick?

Even if the virus escaped from a lab, there’s no evidence, and probably never will be, that it was artificially created. But, it’s a juicy talking point for dickhead conspiracy theorists.

What evidence does Rand Paul have of this? None. Rand Paul has cited a study that as Dr. Fauci points out, is about a different type of virus not responsible for the coronavirus pandemic. What Rand Paul is doing would be like comparing Cheerio’s to Fruity Pebbles and claiming all cereal will turn your milk into a rainbow color. If Rand Paul ate Alpha-Bits cereal, it would probably spell out “cock.”

During yesterday’s hearing, Paul asked Dr. Fauci, that since it’s a crime to lie to Congress, if he’d like to retract his statement from a previous hearing where Fauci claimed our government didn’t fund gain-of-research conducted in a Wuhan lab. Dr. Fauci said, “Senator Paul, I have never lied before the Congress and I do not retract that statement.”

Paul kept interrupting Fauci. And when Rand Paul’s time expired and the chair allowed Dr. Fauci to answer Paul’s last question, Paul kept interrupting.

Dr. Fauci did not retract his statement that our government did not fund Wuhan research to create a deadly virus. He also put on the record, “Senator Paul, you do not know what you’re talking about, quite frankly. And I want to say that officially. You do not know what you are talking about.”

It’s official. Rand Paul does not know what he’s talking about.

Dr. Fauci summed it up with, “If anybody is lying here, senator, it is you.”

Rand Paul is lying. That’s what Republicans do. That’s what dicks do. Rand Paul is only grandstanding to the Republican base that’s politicized the virus and has made Dr. Fauci public enemy number one. It’s an added bonus to the racism of blaming Chinese people. Rand Paul is also grandstanding by threatening Dr. Fauci with a criminal referral. What’s criminal is that Rand Paul can call himself a doctor and a United States senator.

I’d like to make a referral and put on the record that Rand Paul is a dick.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Billionaires In Space

Cjones07112021

When you see bored billionaires spending their money to go into space or say they didn’t know taxes were supposed to be paid on fringe benefits like cars, apartments, and tuition, you know we need to raise taxes on these rich-ass bastards.

American billionaires Jeff Bezos, South African/Canadian/American (make up your mind) billionaire Elon Musk, British rich bastard Richard Branson, and Russian/Israeli miser Yuri Milner are all fucking around with space. I predict, like their fellow rich alum Thurston Howell III, one of these rich fuckos is going to be end up stranded on an island.

When you are spending $100 million to build a giant laser to shoot silicon microchips into space to see if an alien will catch one of them, you may have too much money on your hands. That’s what Yuri Milner is up to. This isn’t as much scientific research as it is an expensive hobby. What’s he going to do next? Shoot up small dogs to see if they can bark in space? Milner is one of the poorest billionaires in this race with his wealth estimated somewhere between $3-$4 billion.

Elon Musk’s company, SpaceX, plans to colonize Mars, but before they get that on, he’s going to use his craft, Starship (good job with the naming, guys) to fly into space, open a door, and scoop up space litter, which is probably less hazardous than scooping kitty litter. Each launch of Starship will cost around $2 million. Elon is worth around $150 billion.

Jeff Bezos, who is worth about $187 billion, isn’t just entering the space tourism industry. He’s planning to shoot his own ass into space. Bezos is planning to launch on July 20 on board the New Shepard, the rocket ship made by his space company, Blue Origin. Bezos auctioned off a seat as well, with the price at $28 million. This trip is expected to last 11 minutes while Amazon can’t deliver new kitty litter within 11 days (HURRY!!!). You can probably go to an arcade and find one of those little rocket ship-shaped rides for toddlers that can shake your ass for 11 minutes for about 50 cents.

Richard Branson is poor compared to Bezos and Musk, but he’s about to beat all of them into space. He’s scheduled to lift off on board the VSS Unity, his ship built by his space tourism company, Virgin Galactic. One person has already been killed by Branson’s space hobby.

Then you have Donald Trump, the poorest of these billionaires, and unfortunately, isn’t being shot off to another planet. Trump claims he’s worth $10 billion but since everything that comes out of his mouth is like a litter box after your cat ate Indian food, he’s lying. Trump’s worth is probably closer to $2 billion. In the past, Trump has told us his taxes are too complicated for us to understand, yet during a recent rally, he displayed he doesn’t understand taxes. After his corporation and chief financial officer were charged for tax crimes, he said, “They go after good, hard-working people for not paying taxes on a company car. You didn’t pay tax on the car or a company apartment. You used an apartment because you need an apartment because you have to travel too far where your house is. You didn’t pay tax. Or education for your grandchildren. I don’t even know. Do you have to? Does anybody know the answer to that stuff?”

Yes, Tiny. You’re supposed to pay taxes on gifts. Pretty much everybody knows the answer “to this stuff.” The guy who has been hiding his tax returns for years and told us he knows taxes better than anyone, is asking if people have to pay taxes on expensive items. He also admitted to the crime. Oops. Maybe Donald Trump is trying to land in court before his billionaire compadres take off for space.

Trump is trying to get his poor, food-stamp-spending, white nationalist cult upset that rich people are being forced to pay taxes. And it’ll probably work. I mean, these fuckers are already upset over a single black mother collecting $200 a month to feed her baby, and aren’t even aware that Boeing receives over $13 billion a year in taxpayer subsidies.

I’m a big fan of raising taxes on the rich, and I’m a bigger fan of going after them for when they avoid paying taxes.

Donald Trump only paid $700 in taxes for some years while also engaging in shady tax schemes. Last year, Jeff Bezos tax rate was 0.98 percent. His company, Amazon, didn’t pay any taxes.

I propose we raise taxes on all these billionaires and rub their faces in used kitty litter.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Space Bezos

Cjones06122021

The richest man in the planet now wants to be the richest man in the galaxy.

Jeff Bezos owns Amazon, Whole Foods, Metro Goldwyn Mayor, and The Washington Post. He also owns a space company, Blue Origin, and will be part of the crew for its first manned space flight. He’s going to beat fellow billionaires Elon Musk and Richard Branson to be the first rich asshole in space.

Bezos’ billions being spent to shoot him off the third rock from the sun is helped by the fact his tax rate is basically 0.98 percent. ProPublica exposed IRS files showing that the 25 richest jerks in this country have a tax rate of nearly zero. Warren Buffett is buying newspapers left and right, tearing them down to almost nothing, reselling them for a profit, claiming he has a passion for newspapers, all while paying as little in taxes as possible. Maybe he should have bought ProPublica.

In this nation, we tax income but not wealth. That means billionaire jagoffs like Bezos all the way down to the poorest billionaires such as Donald Trump, pay a lower rate than you do. It’s estimated that 11.8 percent of Amazon’s workers in Ohio are receiving welfare benefits. That’s just in one state, but all of Bezo’s employees, even those who collect food stamps to survive, pay higher tax rates than their space-bound billionaire boss.

You may think that’s just Bezos and his fellow billionaires paying very little in taxes. But what about their companies? In 2018, Amazon paid zero in federal taxes. Amazon now accounts for over 50% of all online shopping, forcing small and even large corporations to declare bankruptcy. Amazon’s profits increased to nearly 200 percent during the pandemic (I know I helped). On top of that, The National Labor Relations Board this year claims that Amazon retaliated against staffers who raised concerns about warehouse safety by firing them.

I don’t want to hate rich people just because they’re rich, but when a billionaire like Bezos is lavishly spending $25 million on a new Los Angeles mansion, $23 million on a Washington mansion, $17 million on a Manhattan apartment, $500 million on a new yacht, $65 million on a private jet, $42 million on a clock (dude, there’s a clock on your cell phone), and a billion to send his happy rich ass to space, getting a huge tax cut from the Trump administration while not paying taxes, the rich are making it hard not to hate them.

But hey, when you’re such a rich jerk that dogs won’t play with you, do what Bezos does…and buy a robot dog. You can program it to lick your face.

We need to raise taxes on the rich. We need to tax wealth. We need to eliminate tax loopholes. Republicans are fighting for the rich rather than for you because they’re bought and paid for by the rich. We can fix that. From a post I recently saw somewhere on social media: All we have to do is eat one billionaire and the rest will fall in line. It’s not like any of them are a Bruce Wayne or a Tony Stark.

Tony Stark went to space to fight Thanos. I suspect Bezos wants to go to space to become Thanos. I expect his trip to be like Ivanka Trump at Buckingham Palace, a photo-op for a creepy smile peering from a window reminding us just how much better humans they are than the rest of us.

Quite frankly, I think they can be better than the rest of us but they have to go to space to prove it. So, let’s shoot them all into space. We can even save money by not bothering to bring them back.

Spending billions to send yourself to space, when you know you don’t have the right stuff, while your employees are living off of generic Ramen noodles, and you’re not paying taxes, takes some serious space balls.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have two copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw: