Once again, I’m not making this shit up.
On last Friday’s Tucker Carlson Tonight, or whatever that show’s called, its host, Tucker Carlson, talked about testicles. Is it just me, or is Tucker kinda obsessed with men? I’m detecting a pattern here. He has a new documentary coming out titled, “The End of Men.” There is a trailer full of muscular topless men that looks more like an advertisement for Grindr. And did I see a guy with his penis in a Tesla charging station? Also, it is weird the first black guy in the trailer is a chubster? Did Tucker edit this thing himself? This video is so…manly, Ron DeSantis just banned it from all Florida classrooms.
Anyway, Tucker was talking about balls, specifically, he was addressing falling testosterone in men. Why? Is that a national crisis up there with Italian satellites changing bamboo ballots from Trump to Biden? Is it as dangerous as the Great Replacement Theory? Nonetheless, Tucker is very concerned about your balls and that they may be too white.
This is a switch. Usually, Tucker is all about white people being white and straight. He believes Democrats are replacing white people in this nation with non-white people and it’s the worst thing ever. His main worry is that white people will never again control 100 percent of the nation and will have to settle for only 99 percent of it. Now, he’s concerned your and his balls are too white. OK, so Tucker prefers brown balls. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m cool with it.
Tucker’s question was, “How do you reverse the effects of falling testosterone?” He brought on Andrew McGovern, an Ohio-based fitness professional, who said part of the solution to falling testosterone is “red light therapy.” What is that? I don’t know, but I now know, thanks to Tucker, that it includes tanning your testicles.
Tucker, always wanting to bring to his show the most renowned, most respected, most educated, and brightest conservative fucknut media can offer, turned to Kid Rock. Keep in mind that this show is number one in all news shows. Number one.
So, Tucker asked Kid Rock, the lyrical genius who gave us, “Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy diggy,” his thoughts on testicle tanning. Mr. Rock, or “Kid,” as his friends, like Monster Truck, call him (one of his friends is named “Monster Truck.” Why do I know this?), replied, “Dude, stop! Testicle tanning? Come on. I haven’t heard anything like that in a long time.”
So, how long has it been since Kid Rock has heard something like testicle tanning? As for me, I’ve never heard of anything like that…ever.
In Tucker’s defense, he may have mistaken Kid Rock for being a testicle expert based on the lyrics in his latest hit single, “We The People,” which are, “Fuck CNN, fuck TMZ, and you social media trolls, y’all can suck on deez (deez). Deez nuts, that’s what’s up.”
That is indeed…what’s up.
Tucker got serious, and this is the part of his show where his expression is the same as a person struggling with a bowel movement, asked, “Don’t you think at this point when so many of the therapies, the paths they’ve told us to take, have turned out to be dead ends that really hurt people, why wouldn’t open-minded people seek new solutions?”
Kid Rock replied, ““I don’t know what the hell is going on in this world. I’m not even sure if I understood that question. But some days you just want to stop this planet and let me off.”
That’s exactly what I say each time I’m reminded Tucker’s show is number one, and after I saw that trailer. Stop this planet and let me off. But, when you even lose Kid Rock with your conspiracy crap, you have problems. Kid Rock had no interest in bronzing deez nuts.
Promoting testicle tanning is right in line with Tucker’s other medical beliefs, that forcing a child to wear a face mask is child abuse, de-worming medication is better than the vaccine, and the government is denying white people monoclonal antibodies.
Tucker said, “One of the biggest stories of our lifetimes is the total collapse of testosterone levels in American men.” One of the biggest stories of our lifetimes? Really? Tucker’s upset that the National Institute of Health “doesn’t seem interested in this at all.” I got a nickel for the first person to call the NIH and ask if they have any pamphlets on tanning deez nuts.
Anyway, this red light therapy involves shooting a laser at your genitals. Tucker’s expert calls it, “full-body red-light therapy.” They would have brought Dr. Anthony Fauci on the show for his views on this tanning your dingleberries if he wasn’t such a quack.
They call this treatment “bromeopathy,” which sounds like something Barney Stinson would have coined. He did create the Bro Code, which contains all the rules on being a bro that every bro should know, like, “Thou shalt not make eye contact during a devil’s three-way.”
Unfortunately for Tucker’s viewers, Bromeopathy (stop this planet and let me off) is expensive. Have you seen the typical Tucker fan? Yeah, that guy’s not going to plunk down four figures to get his balls bronzed but, he doesn’t have to get testy about it. There are cheaper methods.
I consulted with a real scientist, Dr. Nadly Danglybits from the Knackers Institute for the Advancement and Study of Testicle Tanning in Pascagoula, Mississippi. There are no nut jobs at this institution. Dr. Danglybits is a big believer in bromeopathy. He’s balls-out for it but says you should save your money from the expensive treatments and just buy yourself a decent toaster. You probably don’t need to adjust the setting any higher than four, but insert your boys and push the lever down and then wait. If it gets really warm, don’t worry. That’s supposed to happen. Your testosterone will be shooting through the roof in no time. Butter and jam are optional.
Another testascular option involves jumper cables. Open the hood to your car, attach the jumper cables to the battery, attach the other end of the cables to your crown jewels, then have a good friend, someone like Monster Truck, start the car and step on the gas. For your safety, make sure the car stays in park. I don’t want any harm to come to you.
Unfortunately, these bromeopathy treatments only work on white men who are Tucker Carlson viewers. Coincidently, my scams also only work on white men who are Tucker Carlson viewers. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Dr. Dingleberry’s treatments will sterilize a lot of Tucker fans.
How does Tucker Carlson not know we’re laughing at him?
As I started work this morning, I thought, “The serious thing to do would be to draw a cartoon on the war in Ukraine or the lifting of the face mask travel mandate.” But, c’mon. Tucker’s talking about balls. How could I ignore that? I can’t wait to see what my colleagues follow me with on this subject.
Also, I did a Google search for names of tanning salons but I didn’t expect to find an actual salon named “BronzeBerry.” It’s in Spotsylvania County, Virginia, right next door to my town. After seeing this cartoon, they might want to change their name.
Music note: I listened to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs while drawing today’s cartoon.
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