Testicle Tanning

87,000 Conspiracy Theories

Sometimes I’m asked by people in the real world (like in person and not on social media), “why are you a liberal?”. I’ll also occasionally get, “Why can’t you be conservative?”.

The reason I’m a liberal and I can’t be a conservative is for several reasons. I don’t think cruelty is funny. I have empathy. I care about people who are not myself. I believe we should help each other, and not just ourselves. I don’t think we should be greedy and selfish. I don’t think we should physically hurt people. I believe in democracy and human rights. I believe all people should be treated equally and we should all have the same opportunities. I don’t believe that any child in this country should be allowed to go hungry. I believe in a woman’s right to choose. I don’t believe ten-year-old rape victims should be forced to give birth to rapists’ babies. I don’t believe families should be torn apart or that children should be thrown into dog crates. I like dogs. And, I like the truth.

Republicans can not tell the truth. They can’t advocate any policy without lying. Your average Republican will lie when he says America favors GOP policies over those of Democrats. That’s a huge lie since Republicans have only won the popular vote in a presidential election just once since 1988. In case you’re a Republican, that’s over 30 years. But, the lying gets worse when it comes to defending Donald Trump. I have never ever ever ever ever not once ever heard a MAGAt defend Donald Trump without lying. Never.

I guess what this boils down to is that I can’t be a Republican because I have principles. Republicans don’t have any. Look at Ted Cruz. The issues Republicans can’t claim to hold dear to their hearts anymore are many and include family values, balanced budgets, government spending, patriotism, Jesus, law and order, democracy, national security, corruption, nepotism, sexual assault, classified information, Hillary’s emails, or whatever the fuck is on Hunter Biden’s laptop. They have sacrificed every position they’ve ever held in loyalty to the Trump cult. This brings us back to lying.

The Inflation Reduction Act President Biden just signed tackles healthcare, climate change, and slightly raises taxes on corporations. The only way Republicans can attack this is to lie. If nothing else, maybe it’ll distract midterm voters from the fact Republicans blocked an amendment on a price cap of $35 on insulin. Another reason I can’t be a conservative is that I’m not fucking evil.

One of the lies they’re spreading is that this new law raises taxes on the middle class. It does not and there’s nothing in the bill that says so. Yet, Republicans are going on TV saying it does. Many justify this bullshit by claiming if you raise taxes on corporations, then they’ll raise prices on goods, which is like a tax increase on the middle class. These are the same motherfuckers who refused to see that American consumers pay tariffs when you raise them on foreign products.

But you can’t blame Democrats for greedy corporations raising their prices. You blame greedy corporations. I mean, why were they raising prices before this act passed? Did oil companies eat higher costs over the past several months instead of raising prices on consumers? No. Who are you going to blame for that, Joe Biden? Wait…Republicans did blame Joe Biden.

Another huge lie, which is a doozy, is that the new law will create 87,000 gun-toting IRS agents to go after the middle class with audits. This is a huge lie.

The legislation includes roughly $79 billion for the IRS over 10 years. In case you’re a Republican, ten years is a decade. The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office projects that the enhanced IRS enforcement funded by the law will generate an additional $204 billion in revenue over 10 years. That represents additional taxes that are owed under existing laws, but which go unpaid.

Not all of the new hires, which won’t amount to 87,000, will be auditors. And increased revenue won’t come from people making less than $400,000. In case you’re a Republican, making $400,000 a year makes you way above middle class.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has directed IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig not to use the new funding to increase enforcement of taxpayers earning less than $400,000. In case you’re a Republican, the IRS is a division of the Treasury Department.

Yellen said, “Specifically, I direct that any additional resources, including any new personnel or auditors that are hired, shall not be used to increase the share of small businesses or households below the $400,000 threshold that are audited relative to historical levels.” Yellen wrote in an August 10 letter to Rettig, “This means that, contrary to the misinformation from opponents of this legislation, small business or households earning $400,000 per year or less will not see an increase in the chances that they are audited.”

That doesn’t stop goons from gooning. Ted Cruz claimed “87,000 new IRS agents” will be going after small businesses and non-rich Americans. Cruz said, “And, by the way, these IRS agents aren’t there to go after billionaires. They’re there to go after you. They’re there to go after your small business.”

Maybe we can tax creepiness.

Ted Cruz has no resources for this claim. He just made it up. Speaking of troglodytes talking out of their asses, let’s see what Matt Gaetz had to say.

Gaetz said it was “bizarre” that the IRS bought $700,000 worth of ammunition between March and June 1 of this year, but that amount is the same amount the IRS spent on ammo during the Trump years. Gaetz believes the IRS is buying up all the ammunition it can so normal people won’t have any for when the IRS comes at them with guns blazing during audits.

Personally, I think we should tax people by the size of their foreheads. Fortunately for Matt, I don’t think his income during his upcoming time in prison will be enough to warrant an audit.

That brings us to the lie that there will be 87,000 armed IRS agents. 87,000 is the amount allowed over the next decade for the IRS to hire. It doesn’t mean they will hire that many. They’re not all going to be agents. And, only “special agents” who investigate criminal violations of the tax code are authorized to carry firearms.

And the official Twitter account for the House Judiciary Committee Republicans tweeted, “The IRS is coming for you. The DOJ is coming for you. The FBI is coming for you. No one is safe from political punishment in Joe Biden’s America.”

If you get audited, it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that Donald Trump is a criminal who stole government classified documents. The IRS has nothing to do with FBI warrants and searches. But it’s probably true that if you steal classified government documents and store them in your laundry room next to your Swiffer, the DOJ might be coming for you.

The money the IRS is getting is for updates. Over the past decade, the IRS has lost 40 percent of its “complex revenue agents.” These are agents who handle complicated tax returns of large businesses and corporations and go after high-end tax evaders. Over the past decade, Republicans have cut IRS funding. Over the next five years, the IRS is expecting to lose up to 52,000 employees to attrition. This new funding will replace much of that.

The new hires will be educated people who can do math and were educated with the proper textbooks. So, very few will be coming from Florida or Texas.

If the IRS was receiving funds to go after the middle class with no plans to go after rich tax evaders, then Republicans would probably be silent over it. In fact, that’s probably what we’ll get if they take back Congress this November.

The fact is, Republicans care more about the rich than the middle class. Donald Trump’s only legislative accomplishment was giving himself and other asshole billionaires “permanent” tax cuts. They gave them to the middle class too to show they care…but those tax cuts were NOT permanent.

Anytime Republicans claim they care about you, it’s just another lie. And when they send out people like Ted Cruz and Matt Gaetz to state their positions, then you know they’re lying. But then again, it’s hard to find non-goons in the GOP.

The Republican Party lies because it’s all they have.

Music note: I listened to Radiohead.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Testicular Tucker

Once again, I’m not making this shit up.

On last Friday’s Tucker Carlson Tonight, or whatever that show’s called, its host, Tucker Carlson, talked about testicles. Is it just me, or is Tucker kinda obsessed with men? I’m detecting a pattern here. He has a new documentary coming out titled, “The End of Men.” There is a trailer full of muscular topless men that looks more like an advertisement for Grindr. And did I see a guy with his penis in a Tesla charging station? Also, it is weird the first black guy in the trailer is a chubster? Did Tucker edit this thing himself? This video is so…manly, Ron DeSantis just banned it from all Florida classrooms.

Anyway, Tucker was talking about balls, specifically, he was addressing falling testosterone in men. Why? Is that a national crisis up there with Italian satellites changing bamboo ballots from Trump to Biden? Is it as dangerous as the Great Replacement Theory? Nonetheless, Tucker is very concerned about your balls and that they may be too white.

This is a switch. Usually, Tucker is all about white people being white and straight. He believes Democrats are replacing white people in this nation with non-white people and it’s the worst thing ever. His main worry is that white people will never again control 100 percent of the nation and will have to settle for only 99 percent of it. Now, he’s concerned your and his balls are too white. OK, so Tucker prefers brown balls. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m cool with it.

Tucker’s question was, “How do you reverse the effects of falling testosterone?” He brought on Andrew McGovern, an Ohio-based fitness professional, who said part of the solution to falling testosterone is “red light therapy.” What is that? I don’t know, but I now know, thanks to Tucker, that it includes tanning your testicles.

Tucker, always wanting to bring to his show the most renowned, most respected, most educated, and brightest conservative fucknut media can offer, turned to Kid Rock. Keep in mind that this show is number one in all news shows. Number one.

So, Tucker asked Kid Rock, the lyrical genius who gave us, “Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy diggy,” his thoughts on testicle tanning. Mr. Rock, or “Kid,” as his friends, like Monster Truck, call him (one of his friends is named “Monster Truck.” Why do I know this?), replied, “Dude, stop! Testicle tanning? Come on. I haven’t heard anything like that in a long time.”

So, how long has it been since Kid Rock has heard something like testicle tanning? As for me, I’ve never heard of anything like that…ever.

In Tucker’s defense, he may have mistaken Kid Rock for being a testicle expert based on the lyrics in his latest hit single, “We The People,” which are, “Fuck CNN, fuck TMZ, and you social media trolls, y’all can suck on deez (deez). Deez nuts, that’s what’s up.”

That is indeed…what’s up.

Tucker got serious, and this is the part of his show where his expression is the same as a person struggling with a bowel movement, asked, “Don’t you think at this point when so many of the therapies, the paths they’ve told us to take, have turned out to be dead ends that really hurt people, why wouldn’t open-minded people seek new solutions?”

Kid Rock replied, ““I don’t know what the hell is going on in this world. I’m not even sure if I understood that question. But some days you just want to stop this planet and let me off.”

That’s exactly what I say each time I’m reminded Tucker’s show is number one, and after I saw that trailer. Stop this planet and let me off. But, when you even lose Kid Rock with your conspiracy crap, you have problems. Kid Rock had no interest in bronzing deez nuts.

Promoting testicle tanning is right in line with Tucker’s other medical beliefs, that forcing a child to wear a face mask is child abuse, de-worming medication is better than the vaccine, and the government is denying white people monoclonal antibodies.

Tucker said, “One of the biggest stories of our lifetimes is the total collapse of testosterone levels in American men.” One of the biggest stories of our lifetimes? Really? Tucker’s upset that the National Institute of Health “doesn’t seem interested in this at all.” I got a nickel for the first person to call the NIH and ask if they have any pamphlets on tanning deez nuts.
Anyway, this red light therapy involves shooting a laser at your genitals. Tucker’s expert calls it, “full-body red-light therapy.” They would have brought Dr. Anthony Fauci on the show for his views on this tanning your dingleberries if he wasn’t such a quack.

They call this treatment “bromeopathy,” which sounds like something Barney Stinson would have coined. He did create the Bro Code, which contains all the rules on being a bro that every bro should know, like, “Thou shalt not make eye contact during a devil’s three-way.”
Unfortunately for Tucker’s viewers, Bromeopathy (stop this planet and let me off) is expensive. Have you seen the typical Tucker fan? Yeah, that guy’s not going to plunk down four figures to get his balls bronzed but, he doesn’t have to get testy about it. There are cheaper methods.

I consulted with a real scientist, Dr. Nadly Danglybits from the Knackers Institute for the Advancement and Study of Testicle Tanning in Pascagoula, Mississippi. There are no nut jobs at this institution. Dr. Danglybits is a big believer in bromeopathy. He’s balls-out for it but says you should save your money from the expensive treatments and just buy yourself a decent toaster. You probably don’t need to adjust the setting any higher than four, but insert your boys and push the lever down and then wait. If it gets really warm, don’t worry. That’s supposed to happen. Your testosterone will be shooting through the roof in no time. Butter and jam are optional.

Another testascular option involves jumper cables. Open the hood to your car, attach the jumper cables to the battery, attach the other end of the cables to your crown jewels, then have a good friend, someone like Monster Truck, start the car and step on the gas. For your safety, make sure the car stays in park. I don’t want any harm to come to you.

Unfortunately, these bromeopathy treatments only work on white men who are Tucker Carlson viewers. Coincidently, my scams also only work on white men who are Tucker Carlson viewers. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Dr. Dingleberry’s treatments will sterilize a lot of Tucker fans.

How does Tucker Carlson not know we’re laughing at him?

As I started work this morning, I thought, “The serious thing to do would be to draw a cartoon on the war in Ukraine or the lifting of the face mask travel mandate.” But, c’mon. Tucker’s talking about balls. How could I ignore that? I can’t wait to see what my colleagues follow me with on this subject.

Also, I did a Google search for names of tanning salons but I didn’t expect to find an actual salon named “BronzeBerry.” It’s in Spotsylvania County, Virginia, right next door to my town. After seeing this cartoon, they might want to change their name.

Music note: I listened to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs while drawing today’s cartoon.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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