Virginia’s new Republican sweater vest governor (sic), Glenn Youngkin, has set up a “tip line” for parents to snitch on public school teachers who are promoting “divisive practices” or enforcing mask mandates.

This tip line follows the governor’s (sic) very first executive order banning any history being taught that makes white people feel bad. The actual wording for the ban is “inherently divisive concepts, including Critical Race Theory.” Thankfully, there’s nothing divisive in world history, so we should be good there.

Critical Race Theory is an academic framework that examines how policies and laws perpetuate systemic racism in this country. That sounds like something that should be taught unless we want this nation to remain systemically racist.

The governor may as well set up a tip line to report drunk hyenas on flying Zambonis because that’s about as common as Critical Race Theory in our schools. Conservatives are now claiming any history mentioning anything black, like slavery, civil rights, or this year’s Super Bowl halftime show is Critical Race Theory. Dr. Dre is coming to indoctrinate your kids to rhyme!

The New Hampshire Department of Education also has a tip line to snitch on teachers who teach anything about systemic racism. There’s a right-wing group of Nazi moms in New Hampshire called Moms for Liberty (“The Eva Braun Appreciation Society” must have already been taken) who are offering a $500 bounty to the person who makes the first confirmed report against a teacher. So far, I don’t think anyone’s collected.

Texas’ law banning abortions includes a provision allowing any citizen to sue anyone supposedly involved in a violation of that law, whether that abortion affected them or not.

Oklahoma and Florida are both creating legislation that will allow any citizen to sue any teacher who brings Critical Race Theory into a classroom.

I think just to be safe and to be sure they don’t miss anything divisive or that threatens white privilege, these goon-run states should ban all books. Then, they can focus on teaching children the important stuff, like goose-stepping, cross-burning, and saying, “Boy, are you lost?”

Activists are now flooding Virginia’s tipline with “tips.” What they’re trying to do is make a mockery of it by reporting fake tips.

This is an outrage and you should not participate in this sort of bedlam and rabble-rousing by sending an email to helpeducation@governor.virginia.gov.

There is also a website where you can send auto-generated emails to the tip line, which you should definitely not click this link to. I won’t stand for it.

In the future, we should expect tip lines for stuff like people saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” and for offensive Starbucks cups. White people are already calling 911 when they see black people in a public park grilling or dog walking. Now, if you see anyone in a public park grilling a dog, yeah sure. Call 911. But stop calling the cops because you saw a black person in a park or walking with Skittles while wearing a hoodie.

Call Glenn Youngkin.

Music Note: Today’s tooning tunes included Incubus, Infant Sorrow, Gorillaz, and Goo Goo Dolls. This cartoon took a while to complete.

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