Employer-Implanted Microchips


cjones08042017

I’m not a great big fan of conspiracies and paranoia, but if I ever have a job again and my employer asks me to have a microchip implanted into my body, my answer is going to contain an F word.

Three Squares Market, a technology company in Wisconsin, has started implanting microchips into their employees. The only things I want to be implanted into my body from Wisconsin are brats and cheese. But, their employees are lining up and volunteering for the invasion. Why would they do that?

They say that all they have to do to get into the building or pay for food in the cafeteria is swipe their hand. Yeah, what other benefits are there to this bodily intrusion because I’m perfectly capable of swiping a card for Doritos. And granted, while at my last newspaper job I did forget my employee badge and was locked out a few times, but that’s what banging on the windows is for.

The company says the chips are “encrypted” which means what? Only the best hackers can get your information? Defenders of the chips point out that your cell phone contains much more data than the chips, and I’m sure that’s entirely true, but people aren’t sticking cell phones in their asses.

There are health concerns to having these chips inserted. Since the concept is new, you can volunteer to be one of the first ones to discover the health hazards. These chips may not stay where they are inserted. They can roam. I’ve had a piece of glass in my face since I was two-years-old. Over the years I’d forget it was ever there. Today, I can’t find it but, I’m pretty sure it’s still in here somewhere…waiting.

While these chips may just be for swiping for food and entering the building, your employer may update these things, so they’ll be able to tell how long you were at lunch, on a break, or on the toilet. Doesn’t every app in your phone want to update once a month? Also, who says this technology will remain viable. How many people are still using their first cell phone which they purchased in 1999? Plus, will these chips record a flurry of activity during your special alone time? That’d just be wacky.

The company assures their employees that the chip’s capabilities are limited and that they won’t become a GPS on their ass. OK, then. So why do it?

I know we like things a lot easier now. Nobody buys a newspaper as they’re all online. You can read books and watch movies on your computer. You can find your future spouse and potential strangers with a dating app. Stalkers can find you without the heavy lifting of following you around as they now have Google Earth (and it doesn’t help that you’re tagging your location on Facebook every time you go out, dumbass). If you want to know the difference between England, Great Britain, and the United Kingdom then you can just ask Siri. If you want to know how many albums Def Leppard has released since you stopped listening to them in 1987, all you gotta do is go to Wikipedia (the answer is seven). If you need to understand the whole ordeal with the Father, the Spirit, and the Holy Ghost, you’re still shit out of luck. If you want to know if Pauly Shore and Carrot Top are still alive, then you’ll be the first one to ever look that up.

Yeah, we’ve become lazy and expect everything for free. But what are you giving up just so you can swipe your hand for a sandwich instead of pulling out your wallet?

I’m not a survivalist or afraid of a zombie apocalypse, but when the I Robots come they’ll target the chipped first.

Creative notes: I’m burning out on Trump, so I had to take a day off. I intended to do this cartoon earlier, but I really wanted to draw on Fox and Trump first. I told my clients that I wanted to draw this non-Trump cartoon before Trump created breaking news again…and he made breaking news while I was writing that email.

Also, I want to take a day off this weekend. I haven’t had a day off since the weekend before last and if I could count I’d tell you how many days ago that was.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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7 comments

    1. Yes! I was going to say that – thank you for saving me the trouble.

      I just had to re-microhip my cat because of this very issue. The company claimed they’d never heard of what happened with him happening, & my vet looked shocked when we found it.

      I believe my vet had never seen a cat chipped between his shoulder blades & finding it on the underside of its belly, but I don’t have as much faith in the company.

      Like

  1. Also, what happens when an employee leaves the company? Does everyone else have to have their chips updated or does the employee have to go under the knife? This is especially troubling if someone leaves under, erm, less than desirable circumstances. You don’t want them coming back with a semi-automatic weapon – or even just a nasty attitude.

    I liked this post. I’m sure you needed a break from covering that dic- (-tator in training, -tating colluder, -head; it’s like one of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books) & I like whatever about which you post. It always makes me think! 🙂

    Like

  2. I love this post, and I abhor this idea as much as you. I used to work for a big healthcare corporation. It was sort of like being in a cult. The managers were always telling employees how great the company was and how employees are the happiest across the board. They based this info on studies that they ran using the variables they desired and interviewing the subjects they desired. Many employees hated the company (none as much as I) but no one would speak out because of fear. At one point the employer attempted to instill a policy requiring employees to be measured by body fat index and that bonuses would be based on having a low BMI. They said it was in the best interest of health. I can imagine that company microchipping and then telling everyone that their employees love the idea, much like your cartoon illustrates. We are always being fed the idea that more tech is always better and we shouldn’t question it, we should just submit to it. Some people I guess, don’t mind being owned by an employer. It’s the American Capitalist Way. Loyalty to Employer above all else: leisure, family, children. I don’t even like pissing in a cup for an employer. I love my pets but I will never microchip them. I’ve heard of cancerous tumors growing where the microchips were placed in animals. OK, enough ranting. Thanks for listening.

    Like

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