Employer-Implanted Microchips


I’m not a great big fan of conspiracies and paranoia, but if I ever have a job again and my employer asks me to have a microchip implanted into my body, my answer is going to contain an F word.

Three Squares Market, a technology company in Wisconsin, has started implanting microchips into their employees. The only things I want to be implanted into my body from Wisconsin are brats and cheese. But, their employees are lining up and volunteering for the invasion. Why would they do that?

They say that all they have to do to get into the building or pay for food in the cafeteria is swipe their hand. Yeah, what other benefits are there to this bodily intrusion because I’m perfectly capable of swiping a card for Doritos. And granted, while at my last newspaper job I did forget my employee badge and was locked out a few times, but that’s what banging on the windows is for.

The company says the chips are “encrypted” which means what? Only the best hackers can get your information? Defenders of the chips point out that your cell phone contains much more data than the chips, and I’m sure that’s entirely true, but people aren’t sticking cell phones in their asses.

There are health concerns to having these chips inserted. Since the concept is new, you can volunteer to be one of the first ones to discover the health hazards. These chips may not stay where they are inserted. They can roam. I’ve had a piece of glass in my face since I was two-years-old. Over the years I’d forget it was ever there. Today, I can’t find it but, I’m pretty sure it’s still in here somewhere…waiting.

While these chips may just be for swiping for food and entering the building, your employer may update these things, so they’ll be able to tell how long you were at lunch, on a break, or on the toilet. Doesn’t every app in your phone want to update once a month? Also, who says this technology will remain viable. How many people are still using their first cell phone which they purchased in 1999? Plus, will these chips record a flurry of activity during your special alone time? That’d just be wacky.

The company assures their employees that the chip’s capabilities are limited and that they won’t become a GPS on their ass. OK, then. So why do it?

I know we like things a lot easier now. Nobody buys a newspaper as they’re all online. You can read books and watch movies on your computer. You can find your future spouse and potential strangers with a dating app. Stalkers can find you without the heavy lifting of following you around as they now have Google Earth (and it doesn’t help that you’re tagging your location on Facebook every time you go out, dumbass). If you want to know the difference between England, Great Britain, and the United Kingdom then you can just ask Siri. If you want to know how many albums Def Leppard has released since you stopped listening to them in 1987, all you gotta do is go to Wikipedia (the answer is seven). If you need to understand the whole ordeal with the Father, the Spirit, and the Holy Ghost, you’re still shit out of luck. If you want to know if Pauly Shore and Carrot Top are still alive, then you’ll be the first one to ever look that up.

Yeah, we’ve become lazy and expect everything for free. But what are you giving up just so you can swipe your hand for a sandwich instead of pulling out your wallet?

I’m not a survivalist or afraid of a zombie apocalypse, but when the I Robots come they’ll target the chipped first.

Creative notes: I’m burning out on Trump, so I had to take a day off. I intended to do this cartoon earlier, but I really wanted to draw on Fox and Trump first. I told my clients that I wanted to draw this non-Trump cartoon before Trump created breaking news again…and he made breaking news while I was writing that email.

Also, I want to take a day off this weekend. I haven’t had a day off since the weekend before last and if I could count I’d tell you how many days ago that was.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.


Dirty Little Secrets For Sale


What’s good for business apparently is internet providers prying into your personal business.

Google, Facebook, and other companies already collect your information and search history. That’s why if you buy your diapers for your niece’s new baby you continue to see diaper ads all over Facebook for the next month. But now Congress has passed a bill that will let internet providers sell your search history. I’m sure you have nothing to worry about because you’re not the type to visit Pornhub.

Not only will companies like Comcast and Verizon be selling your info, they’ll be competing with Facebook and Google for those sales. So it’s on. Even pop-up blockers and anti-tracking software may not even be able to hide you as your VPN can sell you out.

Perhaps our only hope is that President Trump will share Obama’s concern for your privacy and not sell you out to the highest bidder. Happy April Fools!

Is “goat tickling” a thing?

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The Boss Boycotts


This cartoon might only work if you know the Bruce Springsteen song My Hometown. I think it’s fairly well known. Well, your kids won’t know it. It’s the final track on the Born In The USA album. If you don’t know it, or haven’t heard it in a long time, check it out. It’s a great song.

Springsteen has canceled a concert in Greensboro, North Carolina in protest of that state’s recent hate law. This is the law that specifies people must use public restrooms and locker rooms that’s in line with the gender specified on their birth certificate, as if everyone walks around with a birth certificate. The law also protects businesses from lawsuits that result from their discriminating against homosexuals, transgenders and such. It also prevents localities from passing laws protecting the same people.

North Carolina has a huge problem with freaks and they’re all Republicans.

So Springsteen is protesting and a state representative, a Republican, is calling the Boss a bully for doing so. OK. You want to pick on gay and transgenders and the person who protests is the bully? Talk about dancing in the dark (did you see what I did there?).

In other Southern hater news, Paypal has decided not to build a center in North Carolina where they would have employed 400 people. A group that wants to protests Paypal has set up a website and they’re taking donations to fight Paypal. The donations are given through….hold your breath….Paypal. Epic, epic, epic fail.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!