Employer-Implanted Microchips


I’m not a great big fan of conspiracies and paranoia, but if I ever have a job again and my employer asks me to have a microchip implanted into my body, my answer is going to contain an F word.

Three Squares Market, a technology company in Wisconsin, has started implanting microchips into their employees. The only things I want to be implanted into my body from Wisconsin are brats and cheese. But, their employees are lining up and volunteering for the invasion. Why would they do that?

They say that all they have to do to get into the building or pay for food in the cafeteria is swipe their hand. Yeah, what other benefits are there to this bodily intrusion because I’m perfectly capable of swiping a card for Doritos. And granted, while at my last newspaper job I did forget my employee badge and was locked out a few times, but that’s what banging on the windows is for.

The company says the chips are “encrypted” which means what? Only the best hackers can get your information? Defenders of the chips point out that your cell phone contains much more data than the chips, and I’m sure that’s entirely true, but people aren’t sticking cell phones in their asses.

There are health concerns to having these chips inserted. Since the concept is new, you can volunteer to be one of the first ones to discover the health hazards. These chips may not stay where they are inserted. They can roam. I’ve had a piece of glass in my face since I was two-years-old. Over the years I’d forget it was ever there. Today, I can’t find it but, I’m pretty sure it’s still in here somewhere…waiting.

While these chips may just be for swiping for food and entering the building, your employer may update these things, so they’ll be able to tell how long you were at lunch, on a break, or on the toilet. Doesn’t every app in your phone want to update once a month? Also, who says this technology will remain viable. How many people are still using their first cell phone which they purchased in 1999? Plus, will these chips record a flurry of activity during your special alone time? That’d just be wacky.

The company assures their employees that the chip’s capabilities are limited and that they won’t become a GPS on their ass. OK, then. So why do it?

I know we like things a lot easier now. Nobody buys a newspaper as they’re all online. You can read books and watch movies on your computer. You can find your future spouse and potential strangers with a dating app. Stalkers can find you without the heavy lifting of following you around as they now have Google Earth (and it doesn’t help that you’re tagging your location on Facebook every time you go out, dumbass). If you want to know the difference between England, Great Britain, and the United Kingdom then you can just ask Siri. If you want to know how many albums Def Leppard has released since you stopped listening to them in 1987, all you gotta do is go to Wikipedia (the answer is seven). If you need to understand the whole ordeal with the Father, the Spirit, and the Holy Ghost, you’re still shit out of luck. If you want to know if Pauly Shore and Carrot Top are still alive, then you’ll be the first one to ever look that up.

Yeah, we’ve become lazy and expect everything for free. But what are you giving up just so you can swipe your hand for a sandwich instead of pulling out your wallet?

I’m not a survivalist or afraid of a zombie apocalypse, but when the I Robots come they’ll target the chipped first.

Creative notes: I’m burning out on Trump, so I had to take a day off. I intended to do this cartoon earlier, but I really wanted to draw on Fox and Trump first. I told my clients that I wanted to draw this non-Trump cartoon before Trump created breaking news again…and he made breaking news while I was writing that email.

Also, I want to take a day off this weekend. I haven’t had a day off since the weekend before last and if I could count I’d tell you how many days ago that was.

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