I have excellent timing. Minutes after finishing up this cartoon and while creating different file types of it for my clients, The New York Times sent me a notification that the ship blocking the Suez Canal for the past five days has finally been freed (I made that sound like I’m really important because the NYT sent me a notification, but it’s an app on my phone).
In case you’re a Republican, the Suez Canal is in Egypt. It’s a vital artery for the world’s shipping and economy. Think of it like a short cut between the Atlantic Ocean, after going through the Mediterranean Sea, to the Indian Ocean. It beats having to go around Africa. In case you’re a Republican, Africa is a continent, not a country.
While salvage crews were digging and tug boats were tugging, it was the moon that came through with the final push. The tides from the full moon are what finally got the ship free. In case you’re a Republican, the moon is that big white thing you see in the sky at night that is NOT made from cheese. And yes, we did actually land on it from where we could see the Earth is NOT flat. We’re learning so much today.
Also, the ship was freed Monday afternoon Egypt time even though it’s still morning in the United States. In case you’re a Republican, the sun doesn’t rise at the same time everywhere on the planet. It rises in Egypt several hours before it rises on the east coast of the U.S. That’s why there are different time zones.
Somehow, the crews and the moon were able to dislodge the ship without any advice from Donald Trump. Surely, if the guy still had his Twitter account, he would have been a big help.
One of the worst things about Donald Trump as president (sic) is now one of the best things about him. He’s a buffoon. As a private citizen, we can chuckle, laugh, maybe throw peanuts at him, and just have a good time creating Facebook memes. As president (sic), his buffoonery was horrifying. Have you tried nuking a hurricane?
Of course, Donald Trump knew more about everything than anyone. He was great at understanding the coronavirus because his uncle went to MIT, which Trump thinks is “MIT University.”
Donald Trump has a big brain for understanding stuff and he displayed it when he repeated “Person, woman, man, camera, TV” multiple times in a row with only a little difficulty, and told us the people who gave him the test said, “Rarely has someone ever done what you just did.” And he used that big brain to help the world, which probably makes him a superhero of some sort.
When Notre Dame (not the university in Indiana) was on fire in Paris, he suggested using water to put the fire out. More specifically, he advised using water tanks to water bomb the cathedral from airplanes. In case you’re a Republican, water is heavy. Try lifting an aquarium. Water bombing the cathedral would have made the entire thing collapse and the Fighting Irish would never be able to win another football national championship.
After two Boeing jets crashed, Trump advised they conduct a rebranding campaign. Boeing: Did we mention our seats are also flotation devices?
Donald Trump said the best way to get rid of wildfires was to rake the forests. Seriously. He said there are too many leaves. He also said science doesn’t know anything about climate change, but he does.
He had a lot of great advice about the coronavirus. He told us not to live in fear of the virus killing people. He advised we use unproven malaria drugs that doctors advised against. He pondered publicly if people should drink bleach and shine flashlights up their bum holes.
It was too bad he didn’t have his twitter account to advise how to unclog the Suez. He could have told us he knows more about boats than anyone because he’s been on a boat. In fact, he’s owned a boat. He would have told us he’s qualified to tell us about boats because one of his German ancestors arrived to this country on a boat. He would have said, “People are always asking me, ‘How do you understand so much about boats?'”. He could have tweeted, “Have you tried pushing the boat?” Or, “Maybe you could move the boat by drawing on it with a Sharpie.” Or, “Have you tried bombing the boat from invisible airplanes?” He knows about airplanes too. He owns a couple with his largest, the one he’s so proud of, currently rusting on a New York tarmac.
I wonder how Trump is doing without his Twitter. I imagine it’s like an addict without crack. Fortunately, he still has Fox News and weddings to air his thoughts from.
He went on Fox News last week and said there was no threat from the white supremacist terrorists who attacked the Capitol while trying to overturn an election. He said the terrorists were “hugging and kissing” the Capitol Police officers. I’m not sure if biting someone’s fingers off can be classified as a “kiss,” or if crushing cops against doors can be considered “hugging.” What the hell does he consider using bear spray to kill a cop? Oh, hey. Have they tried using bear spray to get the ship out?
Then Trump went to a wedding at his golf resort, where he’s been hiding himself since President Joe Biden defeated him in the election. I’m sure the happy couple were excited Trump came to their wedding and made a toast. After all, they did book it at a Trump resort which would be the equivalent of being married at Chucky Cheese if the giant rat was a lying racist.
Trump took the mic and toasted the happy couple…after ranting about President Joe Biden, the border crisis, Iran, China, and the election that was “stolen from him.” It was kinda like that scene in the Wedding Singer where drunk Steve Buscemi gives a toast. ““I’ve always been the screwed-up one, right, dad? ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother? Harold would never beat up his landlord!” Or even worse, a toast by your cousin from Boston who says the bride is a total smoke show. Both would still be better than Trump. The giant rat would have been better than Trump.
Now, the economy should improve because the ship has been unclogged from the canal. Also, the economy will improve now that our nation has unclogged itself from Donald Trump. Donald Trump is like a huge bowel movement. But don’t ask me.
Ask Donald Trump, who I’m sure knows more about bowel movements than anybody. He’s had bowel movements on boats, planes, skyscrapers, golf resorts, the White House, and has even pooped in Singapore where they said, “Rarely has anyone done what you just did.”
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