Rake

Trumpity Diggity


Cjones03312021

I have excellent timing. Minutes after finishing up this cartoon and while creating different file types of it for my clients, The New York Times sent me a notification that the ship blocking the Suez Canal for the past five days has finally been freed (I made that sound like I’m really important because the NYT sent me a notification, but it’s an app on my phone).

In case you’re a Republican, the Suez Canal is in Egypt. It’s a vital artery for the world’s shipping and economy. Think of it like a short cut between the Atlantic Ocean, after going through the Mediterranean Sea, to the Indian Ocean. It beats having to go around Africa. In case you’re a Republican, Africa is a continent, not a country.

While salvage crews were digging and tug boats were tugging, it was the moon that came through with the final push. The tides from the full moon are what finally got the ship free. In case you’re a Republican, the moon is that big white thing you see in the sky at night that is NOT made from cheese. And yes, we did actually land on it from where we could see the Earth is NOT flat. We’re learning so much today.

Also, the ship was freed Monday afternoon Egypt time even though it’s still morning in the United States. In case you’re a Republican, the sun doesn’t rise at the same time everywhere on the planet. It rises in Egypt several hours before it rises on the east coast of the U.S. That’s why there are different time zones.

Somehow, the crews and the moon were able to dislodge the ship without any advice from Donald Trump. Surely, if the guy still had his Twitter account, he would have been a big help.

One of the worst things about Donald Trump as president (sic) is now one of the best things about him. He’s a buffoon. As a private citizen, we can chuckle, laugh, maybe throw peanuts at him, and just have a good time creating Facebook memes. As president (sic), his buffoonery was horrifying. Have you tried nuking a hurricane?

Of course, Donald Trump knew more about everything than anyone. He was great at understanding the coronavirus because his uncle went to MIT, which Trump thinks is “MIT University.”

Donald Trump has a big brain for understanding stuff and he displayed it when he repeated “Person, woman, man, camera, TV” multiple times in a row with only a little difficulty, and told us the people who gave him the test said, “Rarely has someone ever done what you just did.” And he used that big brain to help the world, which probably makes him a superhero of some sort.

When Notre Dame (not the university in Indiana) was on fire in Paris, he suggested using water to put the fire out. More specifically, he advised using water tanks to water bomb the cathedral from airplanes. In case you’re a Republican, water is heavy. Try lifting an aquarium. Water bombing the cathedral would have made the entire thing collapse and the Fighting Irish would never be able to win another football national championship.

After two Boeing jets crashed, Trump advised they conduct a rebranding campaign. Boeing: Did we mention our seats are also flotation devices?

Donald Trump said the best way to get rid of wildfires was to rake the forests. Seriously. He said there are too many leaves. He also said science doesn’t know anything about climate change, but he does.

He had a lot of great advice about the coronavirus. He told us not to live in fear of the virus killing people. He advised we use unproven malaria drugs that doctors advised against. He pondered publicly if people should drink bleach and shine flashlights up their bum holes.

It was too bad he didn’t have his twitter account to advise how to unclog the Suez. He could have told us he knows more about boats than anyone because he’s been on a boat. In fact, he’s owned a boat. He would have told us he’s qualified to tell us about boats because one of his German ancestors arrived to this country on a boat. He would have said, “People are always asking me, ‘How do you understand so much about boats?'”. He could have tweeted, “Have you tried pushing the boat?” Or, “Maybe you could move the boat by drawing on it with a Sharpie.” Or, “Have you tried bombing the boat from invisible airplanes?” He knows about airplanes too. He owns a couple with his largest, the one he’s so proud of, currently rusting on a New York tarmac.

I wonder how Trump is doing without his Twitter. I imagine it’s like an addict without crack. Fortunately, he still has Fox News and weddings to air his thoughts from.

He went on Fox News last week and said there was no threat from the white supremacist terrorists who attacked the Capitol while trying to overturn an election. He said the terrorists were “hugging and kissing” the Capitol Police officers. I’m not sure if biting someone’s fingers off can be classified as a “kiss,” or if crushing cops against doors can be considered “hugging.” What the hell does he consider using bear spray to kill a cop? Oh, hey. Have they tried using bear spray to get the ship out?

Then Trump went to a wedding at his golf resort, where he’s been hiding himself since President Joe Biden defeated him in the election. I’m sure the happy couple were excited Trump came to their wedding and made a toast. After all, they did book it at a Trump resort which would be the equivalent of being married at Chucky Cheese if the giant rat was a lying racist.

Trump took the mic and toasted the happy couple…after ranting about President Joe Biden, the border crisis, Iran, China, and the election that was “stolen from him.” It was kinda like that scene in the Wedding Singer where drunk Steve Buscemi gives a toast. ““I’ve always been the screwed-up one, right, dad? ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother? Harold would never beat up his landlord!” Or even worse, a toast by your cousin from Boston who says the bride is a total smoke show. Both would still be better than Trump. The giant rat would have been better than Trump.

Now, the economy should improve because the ship has been unclogged from the canal. Also, the economy will improve now that our nation has unclogged itself from Donald Trump. Donald Trump is like a huge bowel movement. But don’t ask me.

Ask Donald Trump, who I’m sure knows more about bowel movements than anybody. He’s had bowel movements on boats, planes, skyscrapers, golf resorts, the White House, and has even pooped in Singapore where they said, “Rarely has anyone done what you just did.”

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Notre Dumbass


cjones04202019

While I’m a cynical and skeptical person who is not religious, I can appreciate the significance of Notre Dame (if you’re a Republican, I’m not talking about the college football team in Indiana). But still, I didn’t think the world needed one more crying gargoyle cartoon.

Yesterday, while the over 800-year-old cathedral in Paris was burning, America’s greatest embarrassment tweeted out some advice on how to fight fires. Seriously, dumpster fires shouldn’t be giving out firefighting advice. Trump tweeted that firefighters “must act quickly.” How observant. Then, he suggested that they used “flying water tankers.” I’m mostly shocked he didn’t suggest invisible flying water tankers.

Later, at an event in Minnesota, Trump said, “They don’t know what caused it. They say renovation, and I hope that’s the reason. Renovation? What’s that all about?” OK, if you’re a Republican, “renovate” means to restore something old, like a building, to a good state of repair.

The French shot down Trump’s suggestion, probably before they even heard it. Did you hear his advice on deterring California wildfires? Rake the forests. Seriously. He claimed that’s how Finland, a very treeish country combats it. The Finns are still laughing at us (if you’re a Republican, “Finns” are people from Finland).

The French civil defense department sent out a tweet, while not addressing Trump, said, “All means are being used, except for water-bombing aircrafts which, if used, could lead to the collapse of the entire structure of the cathedral.” Trump’s lucky the tweet didn’t end with, “Tête de noeud,” which is a great way to describe Trump and all his sycophants.

Trump continues to be an international embarrassment. He’s making us look like a bunch of overweight, red-meat-eating, super-sizing, science-denying, illiterate troglodytes. If uneducated deplorables, the Russians, and the kink in our system keeps Trump in power after 2020, I’m afraid the rest of the world will wash their hands of us.

I’ve always doubted the existence of a god, but I have to ask, what sort of god would allow one of his most cherished cathedrals to burn and let someone like Donald Trump be the most powerful man in the world? Maybe there is a god and he’s just really bored and this is a sick joke. As bad as the French may be feeling right now, I’d trade them Trump for a few burning cathedrals.

The bulk of Notre Dame and its artifacts was saved. It will take decades to rebuild from the fire. We Americans can relate. It’s going to take decades to recover from this dumpster fire.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!! 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

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Make America Rake Again


cjones11232018

It was a harsh night in Abbottabad, Pakistan, some time way, way, way much earlier than 2011. There was rain. And, not just any rain. The kind of rain that could make one’s hair wet.

America’s greatest American, who respected the military more than anyone else, despite their POWs, Gold Star families, and war memorials stupidly left outside to face the elements, was leading the Mission Covfefe to capture America’s greatest enemy. No, not Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama, or even Meryl Streep.

This great American chose to make the sacrifice of not making more money, by taking time out to capture this heinous villain, and personally lead this mission, which he had planned with his best brain that had the best…what do you call those things again? Oh, yes. “Words.” This mission could be a greater danger than gonorrhea, while also getting the best prime-time ratings.

The location of the terrorist mastermind was pointed out in the patriotic leader’s book, “The Art of the Deal,” which many, many people have said was the second greatest book of military strategy in the history of books, after the Bible. But, the generals, who knew way less than our heroic leader, and Presidents Bush and Obama had refused to listen. Bush, because he was low energy and made bad decisions, and Obama because he was probably born in Kenya or some other shit-hole country. If the nation waited on them, then the terrorist would probably escape capture until 2011.

The terrorist was hiding in a mansion or something like that. Our esteemed leader had seen much better. But, what sort of danger waits for our leader with larger hands than the normal man? Bombs? Guns? Stairs? It didn’t matter. Bone spurs be damned. Our leader was armed with a personal gift from the Emperor of Finland, which was a nation of forests in the Balkans and full of white people. He had a rake.

And, not just any rake. Why, this was the very same rake our leader had used to clean the floors of California’s forests, which was successful in preventing wildfires for the rest of eternity. Despite this, the state remained ungrateful to Dear Leader and continued to send black women with low IQs to Congress.

But, as we all know from history, the rake wasn’t needed. After seeing that the great orange one himself was leading the mission, George Soros keeled over in death, blood coming out of his wherever. Fear had killed the terrorist.

The news of the conquest forced ISIS to surrender before it was established. Stock markets climbed to unprecedented heights never seen before. Black unemployment hit new lows. Suburban moms would only vote for Democrats in the future if the mission’s leader was not on the ballot.

Finally, America was great again.

You’re welcome, America.

Be Complicit
What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!! 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.