Ground Control To Caroline


cjones02102018

I have a confession to make and I’m not ashamed of it one bit. I hate the Neil Diamond song, Sweet Caroline.

There is nothing more annoying than a room full of drunk people all shouting together “bom bom bom.” Screw those people. As an immigration issue is red meat for racist Republican voters, Sweet Caroline is red meat for people with no discernible musical taste. A DJ wants a crowd reaction? Bom bom bom.

Sometimes I will initially like a song and grow to loathe it. I never liked Sweet Caroline. I don’t hate Neil Diamond though I’m not a fan of anything he’s ever done either. I have a meh attitude toward Mr. Diamond’s music.

As a musician, it’s not a sin that I don’t like Sweet Caroline. Disliking Major Tom, on the other hand, may be considered blasphemy. Aaaaaaaaand…I don’t like Major Tom. I’ve never liked it either. Not even for a minute. I do like David Bowie though. It’s just one of his tunes that I find really annoying.

Which brings us to Billionaire Elon Musk’s Tesla Roadster. Elon shot it into orbit on his rocket SpaceX. It was very impressive to see the two rocket boosters come back down to earth and land on the launching pad where they had lifted off. But, that car.

I wasn’t following the news very closely when I first saw images of the car tooling around Earth. I thought it was a funky Photoshop job someone did based off the early 1980s film Heavy Metal.

Heavy Metal was a cartoon movie with swear words, massive amounts of nudity, and stories that didn’t make sense. As a kid, it really confused me because there were boobs and I didn’t know if I was supposed to enjoy seeing them as they weren’t real yet, my mother wouldn’t have approved. But, the film started off with an astronaut flying through space in a 1963 Corvette to Don Felder’s “Heavy Metal,” which was a pretty decent kick-ass song despite being written by one of The Eagles.

And this week, it all came back to me as I saw Elon’s Roadster soaring through space. A mannequin suited as an astronaut is behind the wheel while David Bowie’s Major Tom is playing on an endless loop in the car stereo. That’s gotta be worse than the road trip I took with my son to Indiana in 2002 when he made me listen to NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye a hundred times. I think after the first ten million miles or so, the inanimate object in that spaceman suit will come to life and throw the radio out the window at Mars, though it took the wrong exit and will never reach the red planet.

At least the radio isn’t on an endless loop playing Oasis’ Wonderwall. That would make the aliens who eventually find the car decide against ever visiting us.

The Roadster was supposed to go to Mars, but Elon miscalculated and now it’s headed toward the asteroid belt, which can’t be nearly as horrible as the time I took the wrong exit in Memphis and didn’t notice for over an hour that I was in Arkansas.

I think the entire SpaceX thing is brilliant, yet there are people on social media complaining about it. I can’t wait to see how Russians program their trolls to lie about that issue. Obama’s birth certificate is in the glove compartment? The trunk is full of illegal FISA warrants? It’s really Seth Rich in the astronaut suit?

Some argue that the car will contribute to the thousands of pieces of space junk orbiting our planet. If that was the case, then Elon should have shot up Fred Sanford’s pickup truck with his theme song on the loop. But since the Roadster is headed into deep space after circling our planet a couple times, I don’t think the International Space Station or the satellite for Fox News is in any danger of crashing into it.

The other complaint is that $90 million was spent shooting the car into space. A lot of people argue about how that money could have been better spent, like curing a disease, feeding the homeless, buying “impeach Trump now” ads, etc. Do you know how many porn stars $90 million can pay to keep quiet? I do not. Cartoonists don’t do math or porn stars.

I don’t think that money was wasted. Tesla doesn’t advertise, but that $90 million has everyone talking about them. Fiat, Ford, and General Motors spend billions a year on advertising. Their ads don’t lead to innovations in science and space exploration, though the girl in the Toyota ads is really cute. Elon’s money also didn’t put Sweet Caroline in my head like one car commercial has done. I don’t remember the car, but that song….grrrr.

That $90 million also got me to draw a cartoon that’s not about Donald Trump. Vroom!

Here’s the video:

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

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3 comments

  1. I have a few fond memories of that song, only because my best friend at the time was named Caroline. She completely corrupted me, and in Texas that can take some strange and unusual turns. But I was much more of a Doors, Jefferson Airplane and Janis Joplin fan at the time. I just remember tooling down road and Caroline singing that song at the top of her lungs every time it came on, annoying all and sundry within hearing distance. The song itself or Neil Diamond I didn’t really care about one way or the other.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Was never a Bowie fan either, and Major Tom probably disliked the most although quite apt for the event. I agree the rocket launchers coming back were impressive, they were steadier than Dump trying to drink water from a bottle with two hands 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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