Elon Musk

Space Litter


It’s been a big year for missile tests by U.S. rivals. China test-fired a hypersonic missile that went around the planet. Hypersonic is Mach 5 speed. That’s fast. Russia test-fired a missile in the Arctic. And last week, Russia test-fired a missile in space. Yes, in outer space.

Kids, we spend over $700 billion a year on our military which is more than the next top-ten spending nations combined. So, why are we behind China and Russia in hypersonic missile technology? We spend nearly $4 billion a year on hypersonic missiles that don’t work. How about we spend more money on feeding poor kids and free college and less on military shit that doesn’t work? We could probably put new dog parks in every U.S. city with $4 billion. And I bet dogs would be better at intercepting Chinese missiles than Space Force. I base this on a kung pao Chicken-Beagle interception incident I experienced once.

At this point, our anti-missile missiles have as much of a chance at intercepting a hypersonic missile as Donald Trump has of returning a serve by Serena Williams.

It’s the Russian missile test in space that really has everyone’s dander flaking. Russia blew up one of their own satellites which created a lot of debris in space.

Space debris is a huge problem for spacecraft like the International space station (ISS). The United States Space Surveillance Network is tracking about 20,000 pieces of artificial objects in space. While over 2,200 of this are satellites, the rest is junk from former space missions. It includes pieces of satellites, rockets, boosters, spacecraft, other assorted particles, and even solidified liquids from orbital spacecraft. This stuff can be dangerous to the humans flying around in space, like those on the ISS. A piece of space crap can destroy solar panels, and that’s just for starters. Space junk, in addition to dubstep, may be why aliens never come here.

The over 2,200 artificial objects we are sure about are only the objects large enough to track. Space nerds estimate there are over 128 million pieces of particles orbiting Earth that are from one to ten centimeters in size. Yes, something that small can inflict heavy damage. In case you’re a Republican gun humper and you need a comparison to understand how tiny a centimeter can be, look in your pants.

After the Russians blew up their satellite, the crew of the ISS had to scramble into capsules in case they had to evacuate the station.

The ISS orbits the planet at an altitude of 260 miles. So, if the space billionaire assholes (Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, and Elon Musk) and their egos had been in space during the Russian missile test, they would NOT have been in any danger. Richard Branson got about 52 miles above the planet and Jeff Bezos reached 62. In case you’re a Republican, 260 is a greater amount than 52 and even 62.

This billionaire asshole space race is only to feed billionaire asshole egos, just like the Space Force was only created to placate Billionaire asshole Donald Trump’s ego and to give his racist rally attendees a new catchphrase (this was before they came up with “hang Mike Pence”). What did Space Force do to prevent the Russian missile test? It may have encouraged it.

There is an international treaty that forbids testing missiles in space. It bans nations from claiming the moon and other celestial bodies and forbids military stations in space, like the Death Star. While it doesn’t ban all military activity, creating an entire branch of your military that’s exclusively devoted to space kinda pokes the other 110 signers of the treaty in the eye. However, it’s not like Russia has respected the treaty before the creation of the Space Force. It should be noted that it was the Soviet Union that signed the treaty and not Russia.

But if Russia needs something to shoot down in space, I can think of better targets than satellites. And hey, before you get upset and believe I’m advocating killing billionaire assholes, just think of this like Paul Gosar thinks of his violent and racist anime. It’s just a cartoon.

There’s a lot of crap in space, including billionaire asshole egos.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Billionaires In Space


When you see bored billionaires spending their money to go into space or say they didn’t know taxes were supposed to be paid on fringe benefits like cars, apartments, and tuition, you know we need to raise taxes on these rich-ass bastards.

American billionaires Jeff Bezos, South African/Canadian/American (make up your mind) billionaire Elon Musk, British rich bastard Richard Branson, and Russian/Israeli miser Yuri Milner are all fucking around with space. I predict, like their fellow rich alum Thurston Howell III, one of these rich fuckos is going to be end up stranded on an island.

When you are spending $100 million to build a giant laser to shoot silicon microchips into space to see if an alien will catch one of them, you may have too much money on your hands. That’s what Yuri Milner is up to. This isn’t as much scientific research as it is an expensive hobby. What’s he going to do next? Shoot up small dogs to see if they can bark in space? Milner is one of the poorest billionaires in this race with his wealth estimated somewhere between $3-$4 billion.

Elon Musk’s company, SpaceX, plans to colonize Mars, but before they get that on, he’s going to use his craft, Starship (good job with the naming, guys) to fly into space, open a door, and scoop up space litter, which is probably less hazardous than scooping kitty litter. Each launch of Starship will cost around $2 million. Elon is worth around $150 billion.

Jeff Bezos, who is worth about $187 billion, isn’t just entering the space tourism industry. He’s planning to shoot his own ass into space. Bezos is planning to launch on July 20 on board the New Shepard, the rocket ship made by his space company, Blue Origin. Bezos auctioned off a seat as well, with the price at $28 million. This trip is expected to last 11 minutes while Amazon can’t deliver new kitty litter within 11 days (HURRY!!!). You can probably go to an arcade and find one of those little rocket ship-shaped rides for toddlers that can shake your ass for 11 minutes for about 50 cents.

Richard Branson is poor compared to Bezos and Musk, but he’s about to beat all of them into space. He’s scheduled to lift off on board the VSS Unity, his ship built by his space tourism company, Virgin Galactic. One person has already been killed by Branson’s space hobby.

Then you have Donald Trump, the poorest of these billionaires, and unfortunately, isn’t being shot off to another planet. Trump claims he’s worth $10 billion but since everything that comes out of his mouth is like a litter box after your cat ate Indian food, he’s lying. Trump’s worth is probably closer to $2 billion. In the past, Trump has told us his taxes are too complicated for us to understand, yet during a recent rally, he displayed he doesn’t understand taxes. After his corporation and chief financial officer were charged for tax crimes, he said, “They go after good, hard-working people for not paying taxes on a company car. You didn’t pay tax on the car or a company apartment. You used an apartment because you need an apartment because you have to travel too far where your house is. You didn’t pay tax. Or education for your grandchildren. I don’t even know. Do you have to? Does anybody know the answer to that stuff?”

Yes, Tiny. You’re supposed to pay taxes on gifts. Pretty much everybody knows the answer “to this stuff.” The guy who has been hiding his tax returns for years and told us he knows taxes better than anyone, is asking if people have to pay taxes on expensive items. He also admitted to the crime. Oops. Maybe Donald Trump is trying to land in court before his billionaire compadres take off for space.

Trump is trying to get his poor, food-stamp-spending, white nationalist cult upset that rich people are being forced to pay taxes. And it’ll probably work. I mean, these fuckers are already upset over a single black mother collecting $200 a month to feed her baby, and aren’t even aware that Boeing receives over $13 billion a year in taxpayer subsidies.

I’m a big fan of raising taxes on the rich, and I’m a bigger fan of going after them for when they avoid paying taxes.

Donald Trump only paid $700 in taxes for some years while also engaging in shady tax schemes. Last year, Jeff Bezos tax rate was 0.98 percent. His company, Amazon, didn’t pay any taxes.

I propose we raise taxes on all these billionaires and rub their faces in used kitty litter.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Ground Control To Caroline


I have a confession to make and I’m not ashamed of it one bit. I hate the Neil Diamond song, Sweet Caroline.

There is nothing more annoying than a room full of drunk people all shouting together “bom bom bom.” Screw those people. As an immigration issue is red meat for racist Republican voters, Sweet Caroline is red meat for people with no discernible musical taste. A DJ wants a crowd reaction? Bom bom bom.

Sometimes I will initially like a song and grow to loathe it. I never liked Sweet Caroline. I don’t hate Neil Diamond though I’m not a fan of anything he’s ever done either. I have a meh attitude toward Mr. Diamond’s music.

As a musician, it’s not a sin that I don’t like Sweet Caroline. Disliking Major Tom, on the other hand, may be considered blasphemy. Aaaaaaaaand…I don’t like Major Tom. I’ve never liked it either. Not even for a minute. I do like David Bowie though. It’s just one of his tunes that I find really annoying.

Which brings us to Billionaire Elon Musk’s Tesla Roadster. Elon shot it into orbit on his rocket SpaceX. It was very impressive to see the two rocket boosters come back down to earth and land on the launching pad where they had lifted off. But, that car.

I wasn’t following the news very closely when I first saw images of the car tooling around Earth. I thought it was a funky Photoshop job someone did based off the early 1980s film Heavy Metal.

Heavy Metal was a cartoon movie with swear words, massive amounts of nudity, and stories that didn’t make sense. As a kid, it really confused me because there were boobs and I didn’t know if I was supposed to enjoy seeing them as they weren’t real yet, my mother wouldn’t have approved. But, the film started off with an astronaut flying through space in a 1963 Corvette to Don Felder’s “Heavy Metal,” which was a pretty decent kick-ass song despite being written by one of The Eagles.

And this week, it all came back to me as I saw Elon’s Roadster soaring through space. A mannequin suited as an astronaut is behind the wheel while David Bowie’s Major Tom is playing on an endless loop in the car stereo. That’s gotta be worse than the road trip I took with my son to Indiana in 2002 when he made me listen to NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye a hundred times. I think after the first ten million miles or so, the inanimate object in that spaceman suit will come to life and throw the radio out the window at Mars, though it took the wrong exit and will never reach the red planet.

At least the radio isn’t on an endless loop playing Oasis’ Wonderwall. That would make the aliens who eventually find the car decide against ever visiting us.

The Roadster was supposed to go to Mars, but Elon miscalculated and now it’s headed toward the asteroid belt, which can’t be nearly as horrible as the time I took the wrong exit in Memphis and didn’t notice for over an hour that I was in Arkansas.

I think the entire SpaceX thing is brilliant, yet there are people on social media complaining about it. I can’t wait to see how Russians program their trolls to lie about that issue. Obama’s birth certificate is in the glove compartment? The trunk is full of illegal FISA warrants? It’s really Seth Rich in the astronaut suit?

Some argue that the car will contribute to the thousands of pieces of space junk orbiting our planet. If that was the case, then Elon should have shot up Fred Sanford’s pickup truck with his theme song on the loop. But since the Roadster is headed into deep space after circling our planet a couple times, I don’t think the International Space Station or the satellite for Fox News is in any danger of crashing into it.

The other complaint is that $90 million was spent shooting the car into space. A lot of people argue about how that money could have been better spent, like curing a disease, feeding the homeless, buying “impeach Trump now” ads, etc. Do you know how many porn stars $90 million can pay to keep quiet? I do not. Cartoonists don’t do math or porn stars.

I don’t think that money was wasted. Tesla doesn’t advertise, but that $90 million has everyone talking about them. Fiat, Ford, and General Motors spend billions a year on advertising. Their ads don’t lead to innovations in science and space exploration, though the girl in the Toyota ads is really cute. Elon’s money also didn’t put Sweet Caroline in my head like one car commercial has done. I don’t remember the car, but that song….grrrr.

That $90 million also got me to draw a cartoon that’s not about Donald Trump. Vroom!

Here’s the video:

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