Fake News Awards

Every year as journalism awards are announced, I’m always disappointed. The trend continued yesterday, and I was left sulking, hurt, wrongly denied, robbed, and a little whiny as I did not receive a Trumpie, a Fake News Award.

Being president is an easy job and the biggest complaint from the occupants of the office is all the free time they have on their hands. The only reason George W. Bush invaded Iraq was that it was quicker to send a million troops to the Middle East than it was to upload Sim City. This was the fault of the Clinton administration because, as a prank, they had removed all the “any keys” from the White House computers.

Donald Trump told us on the campaign trail that it will be easy to accomplish everything he was promising. That’s why he only has one legislative achievement so far. He has to save everything else for his next three years…or three months if Mueller gets cracking. Make Mexico pay for the wall? Easy. Defeating ISIS? Easy. Not enacting Russia sanctions? Easy. Grabbing pussy? Even easier when you’re a star if you pop a couple Tic Tacs first.

Trump needed to find something to fill in the gaps between lying on Twitter, campaigning for 2020, giving Putin back massages, praising despots, and threatening the First Amendment. What he came up with are the Fake News Awards.

Trump announced that on Wednesday, January 8th, he’d hand out awards to all horrible journalists who least lived up to the high journalistic standards of Breitbart, InfoWars, and Fox News. January 8th came and went, and no Trumpies. Then he announced he’d whip them out on January 17th.

Imagine the disappointment for journalists who wasted money on tuxedo rentals as the awards’ ceremony turned into crappy GOP website that gave most users a 404 error message. Gizmodo described it as a “shitty website—like mid-2000s-WordPress shitty.” Sorry, WordPress. That was the Gizzers, not me. Don’t punish me by putting more crappy ads blocking my header and videos that won’t let readers scroll.

Trump has gone after the media with a very fascist-like zeal. The First Amendment is an amendment Constitutionalists hate. Trump’s supporters, who thought Obama’s NCAA bracket was a waste time that would spark a stock-market panic, praised his idea for a Fake News Award.

Reminder: Fake news is any news Donald Trump doesn’t like. Trump lies like Obama was born in Kenya and wiretapped Trump Tower, are real news. The term “fake news” is growing in popularity as Nazis, Klan members and even actual fascists like The Philippines’ Rodrigo Duterte, Venezuela’s Nicolas Maduro, and Putin have each recently used the term to attack journalists (until they remember how much easier and fun it is to simply throw them off a roof).

For Donald Trump, countering facts is serious business. Congress should get their priorities straight and realize that giving fake awards to The New York Times, The Washington Post, and CNN comes before solving DACA and the impending government shutdown.

I was threatened by the campaigns of comedians, Samantha Bee, Stephen Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel angling for a Trumpie. Colbert argued he was deserving because he was the “least Breitbarty.” I was afraid their prominence would overshadow political cartoonists, and we’d be left out.

Cartooning colleagues and I argued over who was more dishonest and untrustworthy. Our arguments were becoming heated and tense and just when it was reaching the point of virtually slapping each other, we got robbed. As it turns out, the best I can hope for is a block from Trump’s Twitter account. He didn’t just exclude cartoonists, he dissed all the famous talk-show hosts. Bastard.

And, you know….that really pisses me off. Doesn’t he realize I’ll never live up to the high quality of a Branco or a Ben Garrison (look them up)? Why, I don’t think these Fake News Awards are actual awards at all. Why, They’re FAKE Fake News Awards.

And here I thought that fake Free Speech Award from the fascist Iranian government I got last year was setting a precedent for me.

Fuckers.

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