Girther

Tuesday, Senator Cory Booker publicly chewed out a Trump sycophant for ignoring reality and lying for the president. And, he wasn’t talking to Trump’s doctor.

Booker was scolding the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security over her inability to recall if Trump said racist comments during the infamous “shithole” gathering at the White House. During the secretary’s testimony, she said she did not know if Norway was a majority white country. Donald Trump found the only white blonde in the world named Kirstjen who doesn’t know white people roam the fiords of Norway. But, hey. Maybe it’s easy to confuse Norway with Nigeria.

Dr. Ronny Jackson, a Rear Admiral (insert proctology joke here), gave a press briefing on the health of Donald Trump. Instead of screaming, crying, and appearing heavily traumatized as you’d expect someone to react after being in the same room as a naked Donald Trump and having to stick their finger inside him, the good doctor was rather upbeat.

Last Friday after Trump’s physical, the White House issued a statement from Jackson describing the president’s health as “excellent.” The “excellent” part wasn’t the only bizarre thing about the statement, as Dr. Jackson had misspelled his first name.

During the press briefing Tuesday, Jackson said Trump received a perfect score on a cognitive test designed to screen for neurological impairment, which the military doctor said was evidence that Trump does not suffer from mental issues that prevent him from functioning in office. That creates even more questions as many seek explanations for why Trump’s speaking skills have deteriorated over the past few years, and why he can’t reason, rationalize, comprehend, pay attention, express empathy, or speak without using superlatives (great, best, wonderful, terrific, huge, least, etc.). Maybe he’s not crazy and he’s just a stupid asshole.

The test the president took is described as a “rapid-screening instrument for mild cognitive dysfunction” that focuses on “attention and concentration, executive functions, memory, language” and other mental skills. It asks patients to repeat a list of spoken words, identify pictures of animals like a lion or a camel, draw a cube or draw a clock face set to a particular time. Since he passed, we can all be relieved that our president is at least as smart as a juvenile chimpanzee.

The doctor also reported that Trump took Propecia to combat male-pattern baldness. Research tells me the side effects won’t make the user a lunatic, but the president may experience impotence, abnormal ejaculation (maybe that’s why he was slurring recently. “United Shtates, oh mama”), and tender breasts. Aren’t you glad I looked that up?

But back to this “excellent” health thing. Trump is a 71-year-old man who can’t walk stairs and subsists on a diet of Big Macs, KFC, and Diet Coke. How is he in excellent health? The man is the greatest living health oddity other than Keith Richards.

The doctor also reported that Trump is 6 feet 3 inches tall, though a 2012 driver’s license says Trump is 6 feet 2 inches. Strange, I know. Trump had a driver’s license? Oh, yeah, the height difference. At this rate, if Trump serves eight years, he’ll be six feet ten by the time his presidency is over.

The doctor reported Trump’s weight at 239 pounds. What? At six feet two inches, how is Trump only 239 pounds? At that height and weight, he should look more like Tim Tebow and less like the Kool-Aid man. Oh yeah! What is convenient is that 239 pounds at 6-3 put his body-mass index at 29.9, which is just below the 30.0 threshold for him to be officially described as obese, rather than merely overweight. I had to look that up because I am not a doctor. But, I did date a nurse once and then a future nurse, and from that experience, it’s my professional nurse-dating opinion that Trump looks like shit.

I don’t want to become a “girther,” someone who believes in a conspiracy about Trump’s weight. I don’t want to believe the government would conceal and be shady regarding the president’s health, but it wouldn’t be the first time.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt suffered from polio and required a wheelchair to get around. Most people at the time of his presidency were unaware of that fact. They just thought he was really short and zippy. Doctors also used cocaine to clear his sinuses for his speech declaring war against Japan. I watch the History Channel.

In 1893, President Grover Cleveland had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor in his mouth and not only was the public kept in the dark about it, Neither Congress nor the Vice-President knew. To hide the surgery, Grover told the press and the government he was going on a four-week fishing vacation and the surgery was done on a yacht while it was bobbing in the waves of Cape Cod. It’s hard enough to eat off a plate while on a boat, and Grover let a guy stick a scalpel in his mouth. Doctors removed teeth and a part of his jaw and had to construct a prosthetic, so he could eat, chew, and speak normally. His great big bushy mustache helped hide the swelling. The surgery to remove cancer was dangerous enough, but add to it that they performed it on a boat while he was sedated on ether and, damn.

A reporter for the Philadelphia Press found out and wrote a story about it for a Philadelphia newspaper, but the White House denied it and said it was “fake news.” The argument was, you should believe the president over the press. The reporter was eventually fired and the truth wasn’t confirmed for another 25 years.

Grover may not be around anymore, but his tumor is. If you’re into such things and wanna see it, the tumor is on display at the Mutter Museum at the Philadelphia College of Physicians. Road trip! Maybe they’ll have Franklin Pierce’s kidney stone.

I’m sure the government isn’t doing anything suspicious with the information regarding Trump’s health and it’s all on the up and up. Oh yeah. Remember those bone spurs that were so dangerous they kept Trump out of serving in Vietnam? They didn’t check up on those things.

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