Plan For Afghanistan


I do not want little Barron Trump to have to fight in Afghanistan after he grows up. Fortunately, concern for his well-being will not be keeping me awake at night (if I slept at night…or ever) as he will not be fighting in Afghanistan. Not because that war will be over before he grows up, but because his last name is Trump.

Barron won’t even have to pretend he has bone spurs to avoid going to that war. He’ll go to the Wharton business school, graduate, and go shoot giraffes with his creepy dumb-ass older brothers.

During the 2012 presidential campaign, Mitt Romney was on stage with all five of his sons at a campaign event when he asked everyone in the room who had served in either Iraq or Afghanistan to raise their hands. Of course, none of the five Romney clones raised their hands. That’s because the Trump and Romney families of America don’t sacrifice for war. They inherit, acquire, and become educated in the way of becoming misers. The people who create and prolong wars rarely ever sacrifice for them.

Next year will be the first year that people who lived their entire lives with America at war in Afghanistan will be eligible to fight in Afghanistan. This war has gone on too long and Donald Trump has just promised to prolong it.

Donald Trump campaigned on ending the war in Afghanistan. He also talked about not letting our enemies know what we’re doing and keeping them confused. Last night, Trump gave a very confusing speech that reversed his position on Afghanistan and has confused every American. Nobody, including Donald Trump, has much of any idea what the hell Donald Trump is doing.

What’s the new plan? Are we sending 4,000 more troops to add to the 8,000 presently there? Is corruption going to end with the Afghanistan government? How will Pakistan increase their aid after Trump insulted them and talked about giving their rival and historic enemy, India a larger role in Afghanistan? Is our mission now dependent on America profiting off Afghanistan’s mineral wealth, which is mostly in Taliban-held areas? Will we be asking these same questions during the next presidential administration, which may begin any moment now?

Trump said he was going against his instincts with this policy, which sounds really good at first. Trump’s Twitter account is evidence of his first instincts. After ignoring his first instinct on “pulling out” regarding Don Jr. and Eric, I’m worried this one will fare about as well as those two fubars.

But, is prolonging a 16-year war a great idea? Can’t we just call Tom Selleck and get one of those reverse mortgages on Afghanistan and let it be Magnum P.I.’s problem? Trump spent several years criticizing Obama’s strategy on Afghanistan, and now he’s continuing the same policy, but with even more confusion.

After a war becomes a quagmire, most people you talk to will say they were always against it. Most people are lying. It’s hard to find anyone who claims they supported the Iraq war, despite every poll in 2003 giving it extremely high approval ratings. Back then, nearly everyone supported the war and had an American flag sticker on their car. Nationalism was all the rage. Donald Trump claims he opposed the Iraq war despite his being on record in favor of it. That was recorded on the Howard Stern show where he was in favor of invading Iraq and dressing rooms of teenage beauty pageant contestants.

I was in favor of our going to Afghanistan back in 2001 to take out al Qaida. We were just attacked and that’s where they attacked us from (and one of the many reasons I had against invading Iraq). It made sense to me to wipe out Osama bin Laden’s terror network. Now it just seems we have replaced al Qaida and bought a violent piece of real estate that consumes American lives. I’m not sure what our policy should be going forward, but I’m in favor of having one that is coherent and at least sounds reasonable. I’m not in favor of wagering American lives on Donald Trump gibberish.

Trump says we’re not “nation-building.” That is obvious as he’s gone about setting this one back a few decades. While running for president, Trump claimed he knew more than the generals. I think he knows less than Colonel Sanders. At least that guy had a secret recipe.

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  1. “Pull out, Trump, like your father should have.” If that’s too old a joke, ask your father what it means. Or your mother, maybe.

    A while ago I read a book about the Great Game, the empires’ foreign policy struggle over southern and central Asia in the 19th century. The British worried that Russia might come through Afghanistan to invade India. Someone who knew Afghanistan said (I paraphrase) “Let ’em try it. There’s nothing in Afghanistan but rocks and people who want to kill them. By the time they get to India, what’s left of them won’t be able to invade anything.”

    The national game of Afghanistan is buz kashi. It’s sort of like rugby on horseback, but instead of a ball, they use a headless calf carcass. I would strongly advise against invading a country where they play a lot of buz kashi.


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