American Guns Go Gold


A lot of people don’t really understand irony. Alanis Morissette didn’t understand it when she released that stupid song “Ironic” back in the 1990s as most of the examples of irony weren’t ironic at all. But I forgive her to a certain extent because a song titled “coincidence” probably wouldn’t have captured the angst of the 90s. So when the United States won its very first Gold medal of the 2016 Olympics a lot of people pointed out the irony of it since it was for shooting and the U.S. is the most gun crazy nation on the planet. Coincidence. Not irony.

What would be ironic would be if Australia had won their first gold for shooting since they enacted very stiff gun control measures which ended gun deaths across their entire nation. Or would that be a coincidence too? Dammit, now I’m confused. Damn you, Alanis!

But anwyay, for the U.S. to win gold for shooting a gun it’s more of a duh. Of course we won for shooting. We love guns. We have more of them than anyone and we lead the modern world in shooting each other.

We don’t really lead the world in gun deaths per capita. There are nations in Africa, the Middle East, Southeast Asia, and Central and South America that beat us. To be fair, if the U.S. had tarantulas the size of those in Central America I’d buy a gun too. But none of those nations are wealthy, industrial or modernized. We lead the world among nations that have healthcare, factories, roads, streets, sidewalks, education systems, showers, and governments that aren’t constantly overthrowing themselves.

If you compare us to Japan, Canada, or any nation in Western Europe, we give the impression that we’re a bunch of gun yahoos who are extremely stupid for guns. That’s a terrible image to have but unfortunately it’s true. Despite every fact, statistic and evidence right before our very eyes that more guns equals more mass shootings, gun suicides, and accidental gun deaths, we keep pumping more guns into our nation. So yeah, we’re stupid about guns.

I don’t really get proud of our nation’s Olympic prowess. I feel pride for certain athletes, sometimes those of other nations. But the U.S. send the most athletes to the Olympics so of course we win the most medals. We sent 554 athletes to Brazil. Brazil didn’t send that many athletes to Brazil. And who can blame them? It’s dangerous down there. What with Zika, sewage, muggings, topless women on the beach. It sounds terrible.

I am proud for our first gold medal as it was won by a Virginian, 19-year-old Ginny Thrasher, which we can all agree is an awesome name. And Ginny couldn’t have picked a better week to give our state something to brag about because the only other thing to happen for us last week was a monkey attack in Virginia Beach (that might be ironic since it didn’t happen in Brazil…or Florida). Thrasher took gold for shooting an air rifle in 10 millimeter shooting. So no, she wasn’t using an Uzi.

As I was writing this I had my television on one of those channels that plays music and sure enough, “Ironic” came on. Now that was a coincidence.

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  1. Not for nothing but Alanis said, back when the song was released, the fact that the entire song doesn’t include anything truly ironic is what makes the song ironic. You completely missed that point. Cool cartoon though.


  2. You had some good points! Mainly from the emotional standpoint rather than factual, but you’re a cartoonist so I can accept that.

    Ms.Thrasher fired a 4.5mm pellet from an air rifle at a target 10 meters away. So no she wasn’t using an Uzi. She did it better than everyone else. US women haven’t won a medal in this event since 86. It’s an accomplishment. Don’t make this about your agenda.


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