Team USA

Jerko’s Yurchenko


Cjones07302021

I had to look up a few things yesterday to find out what they are. Things like beach handball. I’m still not sure what handball really is, but whatever it is, the beach version is played on a beach. 

Then I had to look up Charlie Kirk. That sounds familiar. What makes him relevant? He’s a 27-year-old Trump supporter who writes a column for Newsweek. Seriously, Newsweek? Why does Newsweek want to distribute the opinion of a 27-year-old white conservative male without any real-world experience who’s an online college dropout? Leave the racist conspiracy theorists to Breitbart, m’kay? 

But, this Charlie Kirk fucknut also has a fucknut podcast for racist Trump-supporting fucknuts which he used yesterday to attack four-time gold medal winner gymnast Simone Biles for dropping out of the team finals at the Olympics. Kirk, who says white privilege is a racist lie, called her “very selfish,” “immature,” “a shame to our country,” and a “sociopath,” which is a word he probably learned from that online college course. He also said, “We are raising a generation of weak people like Simone Biles.”

Dude, first off, white privilege is real. Look at yourself. You’re an uneducated 27-year-old liar with zero life experience.  You’re a racist fuck who’s also a conspiracy theorist, you have your own podcast, write a column for Newsweek, collect a $300,000 salary from chairing your super PAC, and you bought a $855,000 condo in Longboat Key, Florida. You are the poster baby for white privilege. 

My question to Chucky is..can I call you Chucky? I don’t care. My question for Chucky is: How does being a rich privileged college dropout (online college) give you any credentials to understand what Simone Biles, a young black female athlete who’s been a victim of sexual assault, is going through? White privilege is not having to try to understand different perspectives. 

Chucky, are you a weak person for dropping out of online college? Was it immature of you? Selfish? Hey, I’m a college dropout, too, but after I dropped out, I continued to learn. Listening to your bullshit and reading the huge list of conspiracy theories you’ve spread, you haven’t progressed as a human being since you created your racist PAC for Trump while still in high school.

As I mentioned before, I had to research several things I didn’t know yesterday. I discovered there’s a European Handball Federation. I learned the Olympics doesn’t require any athlete to wear bikini bottoms. I also learned that beach handball is not an Olympic sport but will be in 2024 where they will not be forced to wear bikini bottoms. I’m pointing this out because a lot of people think it was the Olympics who went after the Norwegian Beach Handball Team for wearing regular shorts instead of bikini bottoms. I learned all this after coming up with a brilliant cartoon on the Olympics and bikini bottoms for the Norwegian Beach Handball Team…and then tragically learning the cartoon wouldn’t work because the Olympics had nothing to do with it. The entire bikini brouhaha occurred in Bulgaria, which isn’t even close to Tokyo. 

And then I had to research Matt Walsh.

Who is Matt Walsh? Just another racist fuck. What makes him relevant? Well, he’s not relevant enough to have a Wikipedia page but he is relevant enough to have a podcast and occasionally write for the Huffington Post. Can’t news outlets find conservative voices that aren’t sexist racist entitled white conspiracy theorists? Please? What’s that? There are none? Carry on then.

Matt Walsh isn’t even relevant enough to have a Wikipedia page while there are dogs with Wikipedia pages. But to be fair, dogs are better people than people like Matt Walsh. Matt Walsh was so disgusted by Simone Biles for dropping out, that he went on a tweet rampage attacking her. But to be fair, he probably needed a break from tweeting that real men don’t share emojis or cry in public. 

But how upset was he over Simone Biles? He must have felt her dropping out was a personal attack against his manhood (defending manliness is kind of his jam), that he tweeted about her over 30 times. It may have been over 50 but many of his tweets aren’t coherent so it’s hard to tell what he’s ranting about. Simone Biles, emojis, crying men, looking at another man’s wiener at the urinals, brown M&Ms, who knows?

He said Simone was being “selfish” and a “disgrace.” He criticized people who mentioned she was a survivor of sexual assault and claimed people were “inventing excuses on her behalf.” Since he claimed she quit only because she was “sad,” what gives him the right to invent reasons? Matt Walsh is a white male, probably at least in his mid to late 30s (from his photo, I’m being kind), but I can’t be sure since he doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. Also, this guy obsessed with constantly proclaiming his manliness literally has a beard. It’s a known fact that gays don’t have beards. If you ever start to feel some gayness coming on, like your penis moved while seeing Jonathan Van Ness in the Uber Eats commercial with Simone Biles, you can nip it in the bud (only bud nip in a manly platonic way without penetrating fingers) by growing a beard. 

I also had to look up Clay Travis and Buck Sexton. Who are they? They’re a pair of right-wing talk show hosts. They’re like a tag team of stupid. They said, “The blue checks have already rallied to Simone Biles’s defense and said, ‘Oh, it’s so brave.’ Why is this brave? What’s brave about not being brave? Cause that’s what we’re talking about here. This is ‘Oh, you didn’t stand up to the bully?’ So to speak… No, I think that’s the not brave move.” Which one of them said which parts of that exchange? It doesn’t matter. Also, both of these guys have beards. Do you know who doesn’t have beards? Dogs. Fact: Dogs don’t care if you call them gay.

And then there’s Piers Morgan. Oh, you know this is going to be good. Piers, who was rejected by Meghan Markle years ago and then mocked her for claiming racism in Buckingham Palace and for considering suicide, had some opinions on Simone Biles. Oh goody.

Piers tweeted, “Are ‘mental health issues’ now the go-to excuse for any poor performance in elite sport? What a joke. Just admit you did badly, made mistakes, and will strive to do better next time. Kids need strong role models not this nonsense.”

I just researched this and discovered Australian comedian Jim Jefferies has never been a Make-a-Wish kid, but somehow he was still given the wish-come-true of going on national television and telling Piers Morgan to his face to “fuck off.”

I also just researched and discovered John Daniel Davidson, editor of The Federalist and avid scarf wearer, does not have a medical degree (I had to get that from his LinkedIn page as he also doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. Again, dogs, people). Despite being less qualified than Dr. Pepper to diagnose mental health, John Daniel Jingleheimer Schmidt Fucknut Mcscarfy Davidson wrote, “Biles doesn’t suffer from a specific mental illness” and that she’s not “mentally tough.”

But how do these right-wing asshats know she’s not mentally tough? How do they know what she’s going through? How can any of these men, most of them having wealth stacked on top of their white privilege, relate to a young black female who is a victim of a sexual assault? 

Do these armchair warriors understand that gymnastics is actually physically dangerous? I too am guilty of watching sports I only see competed every four years, and then shouting at the TV as if I know what’s going on, but I know I can’t do what I’m watching on TV. I know that, if I got on a skateboard, instead of winning a gold medal like 13-year-old Momiji Nishiya, I’d probably only win a broken leg. Even Olympic table tennis (ping pong) looks physically dangerous to me. I can understand the pressure of a CNN deadline, but I have never faced the pressure of doing a Yurchenko Double Pike Vault on national television with the weight of my team and nation on my shoulders. Also, I have never been a black girl or black woman. This can be proven by looking at the photo on my Wikipedia page (which some dog probably made). 

I think if you’re going to go off in a hateful manner, maybe consider where they are coming from instead of assuming everyone was born with your white privilege. The fact Simone Biles went public about a sexual assault proves she’s tougher than these white conservative privileged men. None of them has ever done anything as tough as that. 

Some of these talking fuckheads claim Simone wouldn’t be receiving praise for removing herself and being honest about her anxieties if she was a man. But would these manly men be attacking Simone if she wasn’t a black female? 

I think before these privileged white men can criticize Simone Biles, they first have to flawlessly perform a Yurchenko Double Pike Vault. Until then, as Jim Jefferies would say, fuck off. 

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Watch me draw:

Complicit Olympics


cjones01302018

I’ve always been amazed at the harsh and inhumane treatment tyrannical nations will put their Olympic athletes through for medals.

During the Cold War, the Soviet Union and its Communist Bloc allies would put their athletes through hell. In addition to juicing their athletes with banned chemicals, athletes were stripped from their families at young ages for round-the-clock training.

It continues today in places like China and North Korea. Some Chinese athletes rarely see their families, while being beaten for failure. North Korea will reward their winners with cars and refrigerators and send losers to labor camps.

Democratic nations also reward their winners with cash, but they share some of the abusive traits with the tyrannical governments.

U.S.A. Gymnastics, the U.S. Olympic Committee and officials at Michigan State University all closed their eyes, covered up, and were complicit in the sexual abuse that Michigan State University doctor Larry Nassar put his victims through for 30 years.

Nassar has been sentenced up to 175 years in prison. These institutions required young girls to submit to his ungloved pelvic manipulations masked as “treatments,” while ignoring complaints and aiding in brainwashing his victims, over 160 of them.

Child abusers were protected by Penn State University and the Catholic Church for years. We still don’t fully understand those situations, and now we have this Olympic-sized outrage.

While sentencing Nassar, Judge Rosemarie Aquilina said, “Silence is indifference. There has to be a massive investigation as to why there is inaction and why there was silence.” She was heavily criticized by some for the sentence and for making the comments, “It was not treatment what you did. It was not medical. I wouldn’t send my dogs to you, sir.” His trial lasted seven days and included testimony from 156 accusers.

Congress is set to pass new legislation mandating that coaches and other authorities report accusations of abuse to police. Really? We need new laws to make those responsible for children to do their responsibility, which is to protect them?

An athlete’s body does not belong to her coach, trainer, doctor, to any Olympic committees or organizations, and not even to their country. A violation is a violation. Every single coach, trainer, personnel, or authority figure in the U.S. Olympic system who was aware of this abuse, or other abuses, should do time with Nassar.

This is the worse sex abuse scandal in U.S. sports history, and maybe in all of American history. U.S.A. Gymnastics didn’t just allow a serial pedophile to assault their athletes for over 30 years, they mandated their athletes to submit to his unjustified vaginal examinations. The price to be an Olympian was to submit to his abuse.

From Hollywood moguls threatening the careers of actresses who refuse to be seduced by a massage, to the guy giving the State of the Union speech Tuesday night who bragged on tape “they let you do it when you’re a star,” I’ve been disgusted by the sick acts of sick individuals with power. Having it done to children, and the the children told by authority that it has to be done, is a brand-new outrage. I hope every name who allowed this to happen is produced and publicized.

Only tyrannical nations require their athletes to submit to such abuse, right? The United States isn’t one of those? Right?

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American Guns Go Gold


cjones08082016

A lot of people don’t really understand irony. Alanis Morissette didn’t understand it when she released that stupid song “Ironic” back in the 1990s as most of the examples of irony weren’t ironic at all. But I forgive her to a certain extent because a song titled “coincidence” probably wouldn’t have captured the angst of the 90s. So when the United States won its very first Gold medal of the 2016 Olympics a lot of people pointed out the irony of it since it was for shooting and the U.S. is the most gun crazy nation on the planet. Coincidence. Not irony.

What would be ironic would be if Australia had won their first gold for shooting since they enacted very stiff gun control measures which ended gun deaths across their entire nation. Or would that be a coincidence too? Dammit, now I’m confused. Damn you, Alanis!

But anwyay, for the U.S. to win gold for shooting a gun it’s more of a duh. Of course we won for shooting. We love guns. We have more of them than anyone and we lead the modern world in shooting each other.

We don’t really lead the world in gun deaths per capita. There are nations in Africa, the Middle East, Southeast Asia, and Central and South America that beat us. To be fair, if the U.S. had tarantulas the size of those in Central America I’d buy a gun too. But none of those nations are wealthy, industrial or modernized. We lead the world among nations that have healthcare, factories, roads, streets, sidewalks, education systems, showers, and governments that aren’t constantly overthrowing themselves.

If you compare us to Japan, Canada, or any nation in Western Europe, we give the impression that we’re a bunch of gun yahoos who are extremely stupid for guns. That’s a terrible image to have but unfortunately it’s true. Despite every fact, statistic and evidence right before our very eyes that more guns equals more mass shootings, gun suicides, and accidental gun deaths, we keep pumping more guns into our nation. So yeah, we’re stupid about guns.

I don’t really get proud of our nation’s Olympic prowess. I feel pride for certain athletes, sometimes those of other nations. But the U.S. send the most athletes to the Olympics so of course we win the most medals. We sent 554 athletes to Brazil. Brazil didn’t send that many athletes to Brazil. And who can blame them? It’s dangerous down there. What with Zika, sewage, muggings, topless women on the beach. It sounds terrible.

I am proud for our first gold medal as it was won by a Virginian, 19-year-old Ginny Thrasher, which we can all agree is an awesome name. And Ginny couldn’t have picked a better week to give our state something to brag about because the only other thing to happen for us last week was a monkey attack in Virginia Beach (that might be ironic since it didn’t happen in Brazil…or Florida). Thrasher took gold for shooting an air rifle in 10 millimeter shooting. So no, she wasn’t using an Uzi.

As I was writing this I had my television on one of those channels that plays music and sure enough, “Ironic” came on. Now that was a coincidence.

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