Pumped-Up Tricks

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s most high-profile critic and political opponent, Alexie Navalny, died Friday in a Siberian gulag, and like most other Putin critics, he died mysteriously. Nobody was surprised last August when Viktor Prigozhin died in a plane crash, and nobody is surprised now, just disgusted.

Putin is not doing a good job of fooling anyone that the deaths of his critics are not political murders. Maybe Putin is used to not being questioned over these things sorts of matters in Russia because the Russians who do ask questions often end up falling out of windows in tall buildings, being poisoned, dying in plane crashes, or in Siberian gulags. Sometimes, they’re simply gunned down in Red Square. Or maybe Putin doesn’t care about the perception.

During Tucker Carlson’s sham interview with Putin, the Russian tyrant accused the United States of being warmongers for funding Ukraine’s effort to defend itself from his invasion, and Tucker didn’t challenge that. Last week, Donald Trump said he’d “encourage” Putin to invade NATO nations that don’t meet the organization’s requirements on military spending. Who needs troll farms when you have useful idiots?

After the murder, yes…murder, of Alexei Navalny was announced, President Biden said, “Make no mistake… Putin is responsible.” After the murder was announced, Donald Trump hawked new sneakers.

Trump also spent the weekend claiming our justice system is persecuting him because he’s a political opponent of President Biden which is ironic since he still hasn’t commented on the political murder of Navalny while promoting sneakers with a warped version of the United States flag. If these new sneakers are to really represent Trump, they should have a Russian flag.

The sneakers are not a product of the Trump Organization, which Trump was fined $355 million Friday for running fraudulently for decades. They’re a product of another company that Trump licensed his name to.

Trump was in Philadelphia Saturday to pimp the new high-tops at Sneaker Con, which is a very unfortunate and appropriate title for an event featuring Donald Trump selling sneakers. These things are tacky gold and cost $399. They’re perfect for everyone who has ever wanted to wear Trump’s toilets on their feet.

Trump is also selling new cologne and perfume that’s modeled on Trump’s personal distinguishable fragrance of a diaper filled after eating Indian food. Let’s hope the purchasers like flies.

Who would spend $399 on ugly sneakers that are direct ripoffs of Converse hightops? Probably the same maroons who spent $16 on Trump pencils, or $99 on Trump NFTs, or dumb enough to give a billionaire conman money to pay his legal bills. At the very least, the shoes probably taste better than Trump steaks.

Donald Trump had more to say this weekend about the judge and prosecutor of his civil fraud trial and his new sneakers than he did about Navalny. Our next president should not be Putin’s bitch in pumped-up kicks.

Music note: I listened to The Melvins.

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