Love In An Elevator

Comedian actor, writer, activist, and notorious lothario Russell Brand has been accused by five women of sexual assault, exposing his penis, and rape according to a joint investigation by The Times, The Sunday Times, and Channel 4, all British news outlets. Brand has denied the accusations claiming that all his relationships have been consensual.

Brand is very flamboyant and zany. One word that’s been used to describe him is “loqacious.” He’s lent his voice to animated movies with Despicable Me being the one you would probably be the most familiar with. But he’s probably better known for acting in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as Aldous Snow, a character very similar to Brand as they’re both rehabing drug addicts who sleep around a lot. Brand repeated the role in Get Him To The Greek. Brand played Aldous Snow to perfection, maybe because it was so close to life for him.

Aldous Snow is also a rock star and Brand provides vocals for the songs from the fictional band in the two films, Infant Sorrow (their groupies are referred to as the “sorrow suckers”). The songs may be in poor taste after the allegations were uncovered. But who are we kidding? They were always in poor taste with titles like “Inside Of You,” “Riding Daphne,” and “The Clap” which features lyrics like “We got the clap, can’t be beat, got it off the back of a toilet seat” and “Catch my drift, catch that too, got it from a buck-tooth prostitute.”

Perhaps I can write a new verse for “The Clap.” Let me try. “We got the clap, it hurts to pee, got it off of Rudy Guiliani.” Yeah, that’s catchy.

Rudy is already being sued for sexual harassment by a former employee and now, former Trump White House staffer Cassidy Hutchinson is accusing him of groping her on January 6, 2021, during Trump’s rally inciting white nationalist terrorists to attack the Capitol. Perhaps groping her was what Rudy meant during the rally when he said, “Let’s have trial by combat.” While Trump’s terrorists were storming the Capitol, Rudy’s fingers were storming up Cassidy’s skirt.

Rudy said the accusations, which are in Hutchinson’s new book titled, “How I Survived Working For White Nationalist Gropers,” are “completely (fart), absolutely (fart) false” and “totally (fart) absurd.”

In an exceprt from the book obtained by The Guardian, Hutchinson said Giuliani moved his hand “under my blazer, then my skirt.” Maybe he was just making sure no grooming drag queens had crashed the rally.

Rudy defended himself, saying, “First of all, I’m not going to grope someone at all. And number two, in front of like a hundred people? Plus that day I had extra security, and I had my entire staff around me virtually all day. There would have been no occasion for this to happen, it’s completely absurd.” Sounds like Hutchinson is the one who needed the extra security.

I’m kinda surprised Rudy isn’t using Trump’s defense when he’s accused of rape and sexual assault and say that he doesn’t find Hutchinson attractive, or she’s “not his type,” or give her a low numerical ranking. I guess all the tens who’ve been groped by Trump enjoyed it which is why they haven’t gone public.

In reality, Rudy is the one who’s told “absurd” lies and defamatory statements about people, which he has admitted. He’s being sued by two of them in addition to lawsuits from companies that make voting machines. He’s even being sued by his own lawyers. Rudy’s almost broke and is selling his swanky Manhattan apartment which you do NOT want to bring a black light into.

Hutchinson was chief-of-staff Mark Meadows’ secretary and a key witness in the House’s Jan. 6 hearings. She also added more details to the groping experience. Warning. What you are about to read may kill your horniness for the next several months.

She wrote, “I feel his frozen fingers trail up my thigh. He tilts his chin up. The whites of his eyes look jaundiced. My eyes dart to John Eastman, who flashes a leering grin. I fight against the tension in my muscles and recoil from Rudy’s grip.” She doesn’t include when she threw up but I’m assuming it was soon after.

I used to like Russell Brand but he’s become a conspiracy theorist over the past few years and last night, he was defended by Fox News’ Greg Gutfeld, a guy conservatives think is funny and whom Brand once said to “your weird facial orifice looks like a caving in anus,” which is true. Gutfeld’s mouth does look like a caving in anus. Russell is fitting in with icky creeps like Donald Trump, Roy Moore, Matt Gaetz, and Rudy Giuliani.

Shit, now I got Rudy in my head singing “Inside Of You.”

Music note: I listened to Aerosmith.

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