Tripping on Tortoises

I’m always annoyed when I see people refer to Senator Mitch McConnell as a turtle. It’s not fair. He’s a tortoise. Turtles and tortoises are different species of reptiles. In the water, turtles can be very quick. Tortoises, on the other hand, are land animals and they tend to be very slow. The children’s tale about the race between the tortoise and the hare isn’t about a turtle and a rabbit. As a reptile lover and a former zookeeper (did you know that?), I take great offense and umbrage when Mitch McConnell is called a turtle.

A turtle would never talk or move as slowly as Mitch, but a tortoise would. It’s hard to gauge a sea turtle’s lifespan but marine biologists believe it’s comparable to a human lifespan. Jonathan, a Seychelles giant tortoise, hatched in 1832 and is now 191 years old. His caretakers at St. Helena say he’s lost his sight and sense of smell, but still has excellent hearing and is still mating. It sounds like Jonathan is doing better than Mitch and having a better social life than I am. I’ve read that Jonathan is a bit of a player.

Mitch McConnell has been falling down a lot. He froze a couple days ago during a routine press conference. He stared blankly off into the distance for about 40 seconds. His caretakers, other Senate Republicans, were afraid he was having a stroke, but he returned soon after to laugh, say he was alright, and eat some lettuce, though he didn’t explain the freeze.

Mitch is old. He’s 81 years old which makes him the fourth oldest member of the United States Senate behind 91-year-old Diane Feinstein, 89-year-old Chuck Grassley, and 81-year-old Bernie Sanders. The average age of senators is 64 while it’s 57 for the House.

There’s an argument that it’s time for the younger generation to take over, but I’ll take 81-year-old Bernie over 41-year-old Matt Gaetz, 49-year-old Marjorie Taylor Greene, and 36-year-old Lauren Boebert any day of the week.

Republicans love to say that President Biden is too old while Kentuckians reelected Mitch just two years ago and Iowans reelected Chuck Grassley just last year. But then again, Republicans are hypocrites. Donald Trump is 77 which isn’t that much younger than 80-year-old Joe Biden.

Are these politicians too old? I don’t know. Until recently, Mitch McConnell was very effective. He was very capable of stealing Supreme Court seats from Democrats. He was very effective in blocking Obama’s judicial nominees, at placing 234 Trump nominees on federal benches, and in helping Donald Trump give himself and other billionaire assholes a huge tax cut.

Is it everyday racism or just old man racism when Mitch referred to Blacks as black voters and Whites as American voters? I don’t care how old you are, but when you faux pas and say that kind of racist shit, it’s time to go home.

Mitch says he plans to serve out his full term as leader of Senate Republicans which is through 2024. He’s up for reelection in 2026, but this should be his last term. He fell down recently at an event in a hotel hitting his head and fracturing his ribs. He also fell down recently at his home and fractured his shoulder. Mitch needs to resign.

I also believe Democratic Senator Diane Feinstein should resign.

I don’t think there should be an age limit in politics but when elected officials start showing signs of cognitive inabilities, it’s time to go. Leave now while you can still retain a bit of dignity. You don’t want to be like Rudy Giuliani, who was once respected but now holds press conferences in the parking lots of fertilizer stores next to dildo shops farting and screaming about mythical election fraud while his hair is dripping motor oil.

Politicians who refuse to leave while they’re still ahead of the game will never have as much grace and dignity as Jonathan the Tortoise.

Music note: I listened to Them Crooked Vultures and Queens of the Stone Age.

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