We can add fruit to black women, stairs, windmills, toilets you have to flush 15 times, cans of soup, non-European immigrants, the female prime minister of Denmark, Greta Thunberg, umbrellas, rain, low-pressure showerheads, weather maps, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, President Joe Biden, firing people in real life and in-person, lightbulbs that make you look orange, and of course, vegetables. This is the list of things Donald Trump is afraid of.
Of course, I left some off the list as it would be impossible to round up the long list of things a coward like Donald Trump is afraid of. It’s at least impossible for me to list when I don’t want to write a long blog today. It’s Sunday afternoon and I have things to do, like eating at some point.
Donald Trump gave a deposition last October in a civil trial brought by five protesters who claim they were assaulted by Trump’s security guards in September 2015 outside Trump Tower in Manhattan. They say Trump’s security team, led by his longtime bodyguard Keith Schiller, ripped away their signs and punched and briefly choked one protester. I’ve walked by Trump Tower several times and have received dirty looks from security. I must just have that certain look of being up to no good.
The plaintiffs’ lawyer asked about a 2016 rally where Trump told the crowd to “knock the crap out of” protesters who might throw tomatoes at him and vowed to pay the legal fees of anyone who did so. Of course, Donald Trump was lying. He doesn’t even pay his own legal fees. Did you know that at this very moment, Rudy Giuliani is sitting with an unpaid bill for his legal services representing Trump’s attempt to steal the election he lost? Poor sad Rudy. It almost kinda sort of makes you feel bad for the guy never.
Trump justified encouraging his racist goon followers to assault fruit throwers by describing how terrified he was of thrown fruit.
Trump said flying fruit is “very dangerous stuff. You can get killed with those things.” He added that his security needs to be “aggressive” in stopping people from throwing “pineapples, bananas, tomatoes, stuff like that.” George W. Bush had shoes thrown at him but Trump’s worried about tomatoes and pineapples. I would very much like to see someone throw a pineapple at Donald Trump.
I attended a Trump rally once and there were food venders for stuff like pizza, ice cream, cookies, hot dogs, burgers, big-ass pretzels, and the usual assorted junk food…but now that I think about it, I can’t recall there being any vendors selling rotten tomatoes. There also weren’t any banana vendors. Nobody was selling pineapples or watermelons. Come to think of it, the place was half full when Trump started to speak despite there being an extremely long line of MAGAts outside waiting to get in. Perhaps the security patdowns were being extra cautious to make sure no smuggled kumquats made it into the venue. Do you know what would happen if you’re struck in the skull by a kumquat thrown at full velocity? It can be very distracting.
Let’s be real here. Fruit is rarely dangerous. About the only way police would ever feel threatened by a person armed with a banana is if it was being wielded by a nonwhite person and the cops mistook it for an assault rifle. Maybe Trump once choked on a grape as he looks like the kind of guy who doesn’t like chewing his food. There is a reason it takes him 15 times to flush a toilet other than destroying documents that are criminal evidence.
Donald Trump should not be afraid of fruit and vegetables. Next time he’s filling up at McDonald’s, he should ask about their fruit cups. Do they still sell those? I know, they probably just sell salads for show at McDonald’s so they can say they don’t just sell stuff that’ll give you diabetes, clogged arteries, and heart attacks. But they can dust off the fruit flies and sell one to Trump. And then someone can explain to him what it is. But tell him slowly so you don’t startle him.
The real irony of Trump being afraid of fruit is that he looks like a pumpkin. I know, we can debate this all day. The people who say he looks like a peach or a mango have very valid arguments.
Music Note: I listened to a 90s alternative station while drawing this. I heard tunes from Fastball, the Chili Peppers, Sublime, No Doubt, Pearl Jam, Green Day, Jane’s Addiction, Marcy’s Playground, Radiohead, Weezer, Beck, and Oasis.
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