The moral standard our founding fathers set out for us to achieve was one they didn’t want to apply for themselves. It took 86 years after the signing of the document that declared “all men are created” equal for us to end slavery, though a lot of slaves weren’t aware of it at the time. It took 94 years after the signing of that document before our nation gave the right to vote for black Americans, at least on paper. It took 144 years before our nation gave women the right to vote. It took four decades after passing the 19th Amendment, giving women the right to vote, to pass the Voting Rights Act because all the racist fucks in the south weren’t listening when the right to vote for black Americans was passed in 1870.
Republicans in the House of Representatives who voted against Juneteenth becoming a federal holiday cited concerns our nation is dividing independence. June 19, 1865, is the date some black Americans in Texas were informed they were no longer slaves. June 19, 1865, is literally the day of independence for many Americans. If you’re Tucker Carlson, not you.
Conservatives are worried we’ll have two independence days. Except, we do have two independence days. July 4th was NOT independence day, a day of freedom, for a large segment of our population. We fought the British for our freedom…OK, freedom for some of us. Conservatives arguing that every American should solely focus on July 4th as our day of independence is like wondering why can’t Jews just forget about Hanukkah and Celebrate Christmas? On a side note: I was raised Christian (duh!), but I have a Christmas tradition of ordering Chinese food.
What Republicans fear is we will finally teach stuff like there being two independence days, or about the fact the second time we fought the British, that nation freed over 4,000 American slaves. It was the largest emancipation of American slaves until the Civil War…and they weren’t freed by white Americans. Our national anthem (the song many black American athletes kneel during as a sign of protest, which angers conservatives) was partially written to bitch about slaves joining England to fight against the nation that enslaved them. It’s a very racist song. It’s almost as if it was written by David Allen Coe.
Here’s another historical factoid: The national anthem plagiarized a British song written by a composer named John Stafford Smith. Francis Scott Key took a British song, changed the lyrics, and made it into a ditty about fighting the British. Who knew Francis Scott Key was the Kid Rock of 1814? Also, isn’t it nationalism to play the song before sporting events? I mean, it literally has the word “national” in the title. But “National Anthem” is a much better title than, “A Country Boy Will Survive.”
Conservatives want you to hear them scream about black people protesting against a racist song, without you ever knowing it’s a racist song. But in their defense, they don’t understand what makes the song racist? No, not the lyrics, “we can skin a buck, and run a trotline.” I’m back on the national anthem. White conservatives don’t want you to know about a second day of independence. If Republicans had their way, black history would be buried, just like they succeeded in burying the Tulsa Massacre for a century.
Also, I just looked up “trotline,” and for years, I thought that song said “trout line.” But no, it’s “trotline.” What’s a trotline? It’s for crabbing. Country boys have crabs. Who knew?
On July 4th, expect conservatives to bring up Juneteenth, and how today, we’re celebrating America’s “real” independence day. Aw, crap. Did I just give Tucker his entire layout for his July 4th show? My bad.
The funniest thing about Republicans trying to dictate which history is taught, and fighting so hard to make sure the only history taught is white history, is they really suck at history.
Creative note: This cartoon had already been proofread when my padwan, Alexandra Bowman, messaged me over something else and I showed her what I was working on. She loved the “nay” and threw, “Mine gentlefolks” at me. After that, I could not live without “mine gentlefolks” in this cartoon. Alexandra is a student at Georgetown, where she leads a comedy show, and has worked for the Lincoln Project, Our Daily Planet, and has hosted podcasts. She is a cartoonist who engages in other forms of satire. She even had the distinct honor at 19 years of age of being attacked by Breitbart. She also just won a bunch of awards for being awesome about something creative. She’s going places so keep your eye on her. I’m nice to her now because I’m hoping after she’s really famous, she’ll give me a job.
Second creative note: The screed in my “declaration” started as one sentence…then I wrote another, and another, and another until it turned into a rambling off-the-rails screed.
Final note: Fuck Kid Rock.
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