Juneteenth

Scaredy MAGAts


Cjones07062021

In the comments under yesterday’s cartoon on Instagram, I was called a “libtard.” I didn’t think it was that special though it’s been a while since someone has hurled that bigoted and ignorant insult in my direction. And I didn’t just get it once. I got it four times. It amused me so I tweeted about it…which lead to me being called the word about 17 more more times on Twitter.

First off, to the liberals who replied that I should throw it back at them with something like “Trumptard,” you’re missing the point. We don’t sink to their level and you don’t fight bigotry with bigotry. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll be more direct: Don’t use the word, “tard.” Don’t justify it.

Normally, goons call me something like “snowflake.” They think that’s clever. It’s been over four years but that still gets chuckles from them. I love that they use that word, because it’s another example of conservative projection. You see, conservatives are cowards to the point they’re afraid of tiny little thing, like a gay player in the NFL, to the “WAP” song, to losing their white privilege, and to things that don’t even exist, like Jewish Space Lasers.

For example: Republicans have been screaming about communism and Sharia law for years, yet it hasn’t happened here. Another example of projection is their campaigning for their own version of Sharia law.

And if you don’t believe me that Republicans are huge cowards and are constantly snowflaking about shit, just turn on Tucker. He cries about everything and especially if it’s stuff that doesn’t exist. He is the center of the cowardly universe for Republicans who tune in nightly to see what they should be afraid of tomorrow.

This July 4th, fireworks may send your sweet doggy hiding underneath your bed out of fear and anxiety, but Bowser ain’t got nothing on Tucker. Tucker probably sleeps under his bed every night, and unlike in this cartoon, he probably takes the Trumpy Bear with him. And, if you have named your dog after Tucker, that is animal cruelty.

Right now, Republicans have so much to be afraid of that will never hurt them. Stuff like Critical Race Theory, Jewish Space Lasers, Italian satellites, Chinese bamboo ballots, Levar Burton hosting Jeopardy!, gay football players, Ilhan Omar, Nancy Pelosi, Kamala Harris, Hilary Clinton, Sandra Fluke (let’s bring her back), Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (women in general), Juneteenth, trans athletes (this is the hot one for the moment), taking down Confederate statues, Black Lives Matter, Antifa, woke generals, and me. Actually, I’m the only one you should be afraid of and I’m coming to getcha.

When I started this cartoon, I already had some of these topics in my head…but I needed to be reminded what else they’re afraid of, which forced me to look at some stuff I didn’t want to look at.

Lately, I’ve been trying to cut negativity out of my life. That means no looking at Trumper pages on social media, no looking at conservative political cartoons, and no watching Fox News, which I never do anyway. But, to see the current fears, I had to go look at some. It was either that or call one of my MAGAt sisters. No thanks!

First thing I did was check out the Facebook page of one cartoonist, who is not my friend, but is afraid of everything and is always posting about it. He’s on the pulse of right-wing bullshit which can come in helpful for research. Right now his main fears are the vaccine, trans people, and President Biden whispering. He’s also afraid of having his white privilege taken away and it’s obvious he hates black people. He also has a weird Led Zeppelin fetish. It is weird for a 60-year-old man to post 18 shirtless-Robert Plant pictures a day, right?

Then I looked at some cartoons from a bunch of them and…HOLY SHIT!!!!! Did you hear about this trans thing? Apparently, they’re going to shower with us, win beauty pageants, and steal gold medals at the Olympics. This is a major crisis in conservative media. Also, they’re never watching the NFL again…again.

And then, I did what I really didn’t want to do. I went to Breitbart. Ugh. Breitbart used to, and maybe they still do, have an entire section devoted to “black on black crime.” It’s like the racist section but they couldn’t call it the “racist” section. Today’s headlines at the Breitbart include scary stories about trans people, black people, CNN, Critical Race Theory, Biden eating ice cream (that sonofabitch!), gays, more trans people, another Critical Race Theory story, covid this and covid that, immigrants, more trans people, more Critical Race Theory, more immigrants, more black people, more trans people, Critical Race Theory again, and Tucker Carlson is probably right about being spied on by the NSA…and more trans stories. Nothing about aliens, at least not on the front page.

Conservatives are really afraid of EVERYTHING. They need help for their anxiety but I can’t find anything on the web about how to soothe and calm a MAGAt suffering from loud noises. So, I decided to take the tips for dogs suffering from firework anxiety and apply it to dumbass racist Republican conspiracy theorists. Maybe one of these can keep your MAGAt from scurrying under your bed and piddling. MAGAt piddle is just the worst.

Tip 1: Ask your vet for a sedative. I’m sure any sedative designed for your fur baby will also work on your MAGAt baby. Just don’t be tempted to give them the entire bottle because it’ll sure be nice if you don’t see them for a few days. I understand the temptation. Also, don’t hit them in the head with a hammer, though again, I understand the temptation.

Tip 2: Hold them close and say, “shhhh. It’ll be alright. AOC isn’t coming to get you.” This may not work as nobody wants to hold a MAGAt close to their own body. Ew.

Tip 3: Give them a treat. Raw bacon, waffle fries from Chick-fil-A, a sandwich from Cheesecake Factory, or just a block of raw butter from Cracker Barrell may get them excited long enough not to notice CNN ran a special on the Tulsa Massacre.

Tip 4: Belly rubs. MAGAts love a good belly tickle. But once again, this would mean you have to touch them. Also, most MAGAts are sticky. You’ve been warned.

Tip 5: Tell them you’re trans. They’ll probably jump out the window and you’ll never see them again. That advice wasn’t on the doggy site because people love dogs and want to see them again. Have you ever heard of anyone adopting a lost MAGAt? No, you have not.

Tip 6: Buy your MAGAt a one-way bus trip to Jacksonville and let him be their problem. Jacksonville won’t notice. It’s not like they’ll say, “Hey, have you noticed Jacksonville has been a lot more Jacksonvilley?”

Tip 7: Turn off Fox News. You shouldn’t let your dog watch Fox News either as that’s animal cruelty.

Tip 8: The doggy site says to familiarize your pet to the sounds, but I think if you repeat “Ilhan Omar” too often, your MAGAt may leap into a ceiling fan. But then again, win-win except for the mess. MAGAts are sticky on the inside too…we think. It may just be a lot of coal.

Tip 9: Did I mention the one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville? I did? Never mind.

Tip 10: Distraction: Someone should produce and sell mobiles with Trump’s face on them. If you put that above a MAGAts bed, he may not notice anything else. See if you can work some Benadryl into the baby bottle.

Tip 11: Ball gag.

Tip 12: Get him a Thundershirt. Be warned, they don’t work on everybody. For instance, they don’t work on Beagles. But, Beagles are way smarter than MAGAts and are fooled less easily. You never heard a Beagle bitch about immigration…unless you immigrated a cat into the house. Speaking of cats, there are Thundershirts for cats. Putting a Thundershit on a MAGAt has gotta be a hell of a lot easier than putting a shirt on a cat. Also, thundershirts use velcro, so like a MAGAts shoes, they may be able to put them on by themselves. As I recall though, you had to slide arms in, fold one piece over another, then fold the piece that has the velcro…never mind. It’s way too complicated for a MAGAt and you’re gonna have to help him.

If none of these work, there’s the hammer idea and you can probably get that one-way bus ticket to Jacksonville for about $80.00. Hell, that’s twice the price of a Thundershirt.

Last tip: Stop with the fireworks. What are you, six? Get over it already.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Fun With Founding Fathers


Cjones07042021

The moral standard our founding fathers set out for us to achieve was one they didn’t want to apply for themselves. It took 86 years after the signing of the document that declared “all men are created” equal for us to end slavery, though a lot of slaves weren’t aware of it at the time. It took 94 years after the signing of that document before our nation gave the right to vote for black Americans, at least on paper. It took 144 years before our nation gave women the right to vote. It took four decades after passing the 19th Amendment, giving women the right to vote, to pass the Voting Rights Act because all the racist fucks in the south weren’t listening when the right to vote for black Americans was passed in 1870.

Republicans in the House of Representatives who voted against Juneteenth becoming a federal holiday cited concerns our nation is dividing independence. June 19, 1865, is the date some black Americans in Texas were informed they were no longer slaves. June 19, 1865, is literally the day of independence for many Americans. If you’re Tucker Carlson, not you.

Conservatives are worried we’ll have two independence days. Except, we do have two independence days. July 4th was NOT independence day, a day of freedom, for a large segment of our population. We fought the British for our freedom…OK, freedom for some of us. Conservatives arguing that every American should solely focus on July 4th as our day of independence is like wondering why can’t Jews just forget about Hanukkah and Celebrate Christmas? On a side note: I was raised Christian (duh!), but I have a Christmas tradition of ordering Chinese food.

What Republicans fear is we will finally teach stuff like there being two independence days, or about the fact the second time we fought the British, that nation freed over 4,000 American slaves. It was the largest emancipation of American slaves until the Civil War…and they weren’t freed by white Americans. Our national anthem (the song many black American athletes kneel during as a sign of protest, which angers conservatives) was partially written to bitch about slaves joining England to fight against the nation that enslaved them. It’s a very racist song. It’s almost as if it was written by David Allen Coe.

Here’s another historical factoid: The national anthem plagiarized a British song written by a composer named John Stafford Smith. Francis Scott Key took a British song, changed the lyrics, and made it into a ditty about fighting the British. Who knew Francis Scott Key was the Kid Rock of 1814? Also, isn’t it nationalism to play the song before sporting events? I mean, it literally has the word “national” in the title. But “National Anthem” is a much better title than, “A Country Boy Will Survive.”

Conservatives want you to hear them scream about black people protesting against a racist song, without you ever knowing it’s a racist song. But in their defense, they don’t understand what makes the song racist? No, not the lyrics, “we can skin a buck, and run a trotline.” I’m back on the national anthem. White conservatives don’t want you to know about a second day of independence. If Republicans had their way, black history would be buried, just like they succeeded in burying the Tulsa Massacre for a century.

Also, I just looked up “trotline,” and for years, I thought that song said “trout line.” But no, it’s “trotline.” What’s a trotline? It’s for crabbing. Country boys have crabs. Who knew?

On July 4th, expect conservatives to bring up Juneteenth, and how today, we’re celebrating America’s “real” independence day. Aw, crap. Did I just give Tucker his entire layout for his July 4th show? My bad.

The funniest thing about Republicans trying to dictate which history is taught, and fighting so hard to make sure the only history taught is white history, is they really suck at history.

Creative note: This cartoon had already been proofread when my padwan, Alexandra Bowman, messaged me over something else and I showed her what I was working on. She loved the “nay” and threw, “Mine gentlefolks” at me. After that, I could not live without “mine gentlefolks” in this cartoon. Alexandra is a student at Georgetown, where she leads a comedy show, and has worked for the Lincoln Project, Our Daily Planet, and has hosted podcasts. She is a cartoonist who engages in other forms of satire. She even had the distinct honor at 19 years of age of being attacked by Breitbart. She also just won a bunch of awards for being awesome about something creative. She’s going places so keep your eye on her. I’m nice to her now because I’m hoping after she’s really famous, she’ll give me a job.

Second creative note: The screed in my “declaration” started as one sentence…then I wrote another, and another, and another until it turned into a rambling off-the-rails screed.

Final note: Fuck Kid Rock.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

June Teeth


Cjones06272021

Last night, Senate Republicans used the filibuster, that thing Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema are so horny for, to block debate on the most substantial voting rights bill in decades.

Get this straight: Republicans didn’t block passage of a voting rights bill. They blocked DEBATE on a voting rights bill. Republicans don’t even want to talk about voting rights while they’re all about voter suppression.

Another thing to get straight: These voting bills being debated and passed in state legislatures are not about election security or integrity. They’re about voter suppression and are designed to help Republicans win. They are designed to discourage black and brown turnout…and to amplify the power of the white vote. A lot of Republicans have said the quiet parts out loud and admitted if they don’t suppress the nonwhite vote, they won’t win elections anymore.

This bill is an attempt to counter the measures Republicans are using to suppress minority voting. A lot of Republicans are using the lie Trump won the election and had it stolen from him to create these laws, while there is no proof of any substantial voter or election fraud from the 2020 election. These laws are being created, not because of voter fraud, but because a lot of people voted. Republicans don’t like that. The larger the turnout, the less chance Republicans have to win. This is not my opinion. It’s a fact.

The bill Republicans don’t even want to talk about would ban partisan gerrymandering of congressional districts, force super PACs to disclose their big donors, and create a new public campaign financing system.

Mitch McConnell said, “These same rotten proposals have sometimes been called a massive overhaul for a broken democracy, sometimes just a modest package of tweaks for a democracy that’s working perfectly and sometimes a response to state actions, which this bill actually predates by many years.”

That’s funny. If the system isn’t broken then why so many efforts in so many states to change the system? Mitch talked out of both sides of his mouth in that one, saying the system was “working perfectly” and it was a response to “state actions.” He also said it was a “democratic power grab.” Yes. That’s true. People voting is a democratic power grab…but not a Democratic Party power grab.

What Republicans don’t like about voting rights, and more people voting, is that most people in this country don’t like Republicans, their policies, their racism, their double-standards, their conservatism, their regression, or their racism. So, the best way to counter the people not voting for you is to stop them from voting.

This nation is moving forward while the Republican Party is going backwards. Typical of white conservatives, they believe their votes should have more power and more representation than liberal and nonwhite voters.

We need to ditch the filibuster. Manchin and Sinema argue that getting rid of will come back to bite Democrats in the ass if Republicans regain the Senate. They argue we need to work in “good faith” with Republicans, you know…the guys who don’t even want to talk about voting rights and are enacting racist laws across the country to suppress minority votes. But Mitch McConnell is already plotting to bite Democrats in the ass and I have good faith that no matter what the Democrats do while they control the Senate, McConnell will ditch the filibuster if he regains the Senate. He’s already promised if he regains control that he will block any Supreme Court nominations by President Biden. He’s not even bothering with signals and winks…he’s saying it out loud.

Hoping for good faith out of Mitch McConnell is like the teenage counselors at Camp Crystal Lake exercising good faith with Jason Voorhees. There were 12 of those movies and the same thing happened in all of them. There were no surprises and there shouldn’t be any when Mitch McConnell guts you. Someone get Mitch a hockey mask.

The bill Republicans don’t even want to talk about actually includes a national voter identification requirement. Republicans are all about voter IDs but they don’t want to actually do anything to help voters acquire IDs. Republicans will point at polls that say most Americans support Voter IDs, but is there a poll on how Americans feel about making it free and as easy as possible for voters to acquire IDs?

By the way, Voters IDs is another response to something that isn’t happening.

Perhaps the most ironic thing about this is that a majority of Republicans voted for making Juneteenth a federal holiday. They voted to celebrate black freedom while also voting to take it away.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Umpteenth


cjones06232021

I have a personal policy of not publishing cartoons about a holiday the day of that holiday. Take Groundhog Day as an example (even though it’s a fake holiday). It kinda annoys me when I see cartoonists posting those on social media the day of. Why does it annoy me? Because when they do that, they’re just working for Facebook. Very few news clients will run that cartoon after the holiday. And the thing is, most cartoonists have been around long enough to know that. It’s one of those things that drives me crazy that doesn’t affect me.

But I made an exception for Juneteenth. Why does Juneteenth get a cartoon on Juneteenth and not days before? Because Juneteenth is the issue. We’re going to be talking about it next week, at least for a few days. Republicans are politicizing it and making it divisive. Also, it’s new. It literally became a holiday just this week. So, my rule gets pushed aside today. Also, I reserve the right to break my rules, like my policy against cliff cartoons which I allow myself to break just once a year (most cartoonists draw about 20 cliff cartoons each year. Don’t have a cartoon idea? Just draw your subject going over a cliff. Voila).

There’s another reason this cartoon is being published the day of the holiday, but I can’t tell you what it is.

I’m glad Juneteenth (and not JuneTEETH, like the headline in my former paper, The Free Lance-Star, published) is a holiday. But maybe the holiday doesn’t have teeth. It is a good thing to celebrate black independence, but does black America have actual independence?

Every aspect of our society is racist. The police system is racist. The court systems are racist. The education system is racist. Business is racist. Housing is racist. Hollywood is racist. And our political system is racist. Right now, Republicans all over the country are trying to make voting harder for black Americans. That’s what Republicans do, take things away from people that they, Republicans, have….like voting and healthcare.

Republicans tried again for the UMPTEENTH time to repeal Obamacare. And once again, they failed. The Supreme Court, even stacked with Trump’s goons, threw it out. Will they try again? Yes! Will they come up with a replacement for Obamacare? Hell no. Why? Because Republicans lie and they’re much better at destroying than creating.

Even the foundation (not to be confused with “Build Me Up, Buttercup,” by The Foundations) of all their arguments for changing voting laws, is total bullshit. Have you noticed that 90 percent of the time Republicans talk about all the changes they’re enacting for voting laws, they only talk about the requirement for Voter IDs? They act like none of the other shit is happening.

You know, the shit like not mailing absentee ballot APPLICATIONS unless they’re requested, limiting hours and days to drop off ballots at drop boxes, hiding drop boxes, making it legal for legislatures to overrule local election boards, making it illegal to hand bottles of water to voters in line…evil fucked up shit like that. And when you bring up any of that, they try to ignore it and turn the focus back on voter IDs. Sometimes they even give you the deer-in-headlights look, like they don’t know what you’re talking about. “Bottles of water what?……but everyone wants voter IDs.”

But here’s the thing, kids: Even that’s bullshit. There is virtually no voter fraud in this nation. “Virtually” means yeah, you have one asshole here and another idiot over there…but you don’t have enough to change the results of an election. I mean, usually you don’t. The last time there was enough voter or election fraud to change the outcome of an election, it was committed by Republicans for a congressional seat in North Carolina. The last time there was enough fraud to redo an election, it was because of Republicans. Virtually no black voters were involved.

Do you know what did NOT stop that voter fraud in North Carolina? Voter IDs.

But people voting while saying they’re someone who they’re not, isn’t happening. Usually, or all the time, when someone’s voting and he doesn’t don’t have an ID and he says his name is Ken Adams, that person will actually be Ken Adams. Why did I pick the that name? Because Ken Adams was the fake name used by Joey Tribbiani in Friends…and if women had asked to see his ID, he’d be in trouble.

Republicans are solving problems that don’t exist. In doing so, they’re creating problems. And yes, limiting access to voting is a problem.

Republicans should be in total unity with Democrats in making voting easier in this nation…for everyone. Everybody in this nation should have access to mail-in voting, whether they’re black, white, yellow, red, purple, or making up fake names to pick up women in Greenwich Village. It should be as easy as fucking possible for everyone to vote.

And yes, there should be a national holiday to vote.

The only reason to oppose such measures is because you know nobody will vote for you. And they probably won’t vote for you because you’re doing evil shit like voting against Juneteenth and making it harder for black voters to vote.

Happy Juneteenth, America.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have two copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Republican Backflips


Cjones06222021

Bear with me because I’m about to write a little about gymnastics, and I don’t know anything about gymnastics. I probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a backflip and a Yurchenko double pike. But then again, it seems USA Gymnastics may not know the difference either.

Simone Biles is the greatest gymnast in the history of gymnastics. In fact, in the world of gymnastics at the age of 24, she’s old. But that doesn’t seem to matter to Simone because nobody can do what she does.

Last month at the U.S. Classic, Simone Biles performed a move that had never been attempted before by a female gymnast at a competition…and she crushed it. The Yurchenko double pike is a difficult, and dangerous move, that nobody else is probably even training to perform. As The New York Times describes it, to execute it (this is where I cut and paste), a gymnast first must launch herself into a roundoff back handspring onto the vaulting table, and then propel herself high enough to give herself time to flip twice in a pike position (body folded, legs straight) before landing on her feet.

Did you understand any of that? I did. It means it’s hard. I think I pulled a hammy just watching her do it. At this point, she’s competing against herself. After she did the move, the crowed went wild and the judges…eh. They gave her a score of 6.6, which is a provisional similar to scores for her other moves. They didn’t give her any points for the difficulty of the move. In the past, they’ve given low scores to other moves Biles can do that no one else can. Why? Because no one else can.

They’re giving low scores to Biles for these amazing moves to discourage them from ever being done. Basically, Simone Biles is being punished for being too good. Do you remember when they did the same thing to Michael Phelps when he was competing, basically against himself as well, because like Simone, he’s the GOAT of his sport.

You don’t remember Phelps being punished because he wasn’t. Well, he was once for smoking pot which really should have been an added boost to his competition. If anything, the Olympic committee should have made Phelps smoke more pot just to give the other swimmers an advantage. Michael Phelps wasn’t just better because he worked harder, but because he has genetical differences that make him better. He’s tall with arms too long for his body, legs too short, and his feet and hands are basically flippers. In fact, Flipper probably couldn’t beat Phelps…even after Phelps smoked a bowl and consumed two bags of Doritos.

In Simone’s case, they changed the rules for a black person. If all of Michael Jordan’s competition looked like Larry Byrd, they probably would have changed the rules for him too, probably to something like having to dribble while flying through the air or some shit.

Now, will this be taught in the future (not the air-dribbling shit)? Not if Republicans have their way. Republicans in several states are banning the teaching of Critical Race Theory, or as they put it, anything that teaches this nation may be a racist country. Yesterday, President Joe Biden signed a bill making Juneteenth the 11th federal holiday, and the first since Martin Luther King Day was created back in 1986. On the bill’s way to the president’s desk, 14 Republicans in the House voted against it.

The reasons these 14 Republicans have given are incredibly stupid. Some say they were in favor of the holiday but didn’t like it being referred to as “independence day.” Uh, because it’s not your independence day? Republicans, July 4, 1776, was NOT a day of independence for all Americans. Didn’t they teach you that?

Juneteenth celebrates the events of June 19, 1865, when Maj. Gen. Gordon Granger informed enslaved African Americans in Galveston, Texas, the Civil War had ended and they were free. In case you’re a Republican, he told them they were no longer prisoners with jobs. For many black Americans, this is their independence day. This is their July 4. But, because you think it doesn’t affect you then it shouldn’t be recognized? Should we bury it along with the Tulsa Massacre?

Congressman Andy Biggs from Arizona voted against the holiday and said, “They weaponize this bill like they weaponize everything else.” He must think it’s like a face mask to wear during a pandemic.

Tennessee’s Scott DesJarlais voted against it because, “it is fiscally irresponsible to continue to create new paid holidays for federal workers while the majority of hard-working private-sector employees get left to pay the bill.” Does he even know what he’s talking about?

Paul Gosar, another idiot from Arizona, said, “Juneteenth is more debunked Critical Race Theory in action.” How is Juneteenth debunked? Does he know what he’s talking about?

Ronny Jackson….wait. Did you forget about this guy? I did. Yeah, Trump’s former physician who told us Trump only weighed 243 pounds and also lied about his height, is unfortunately a congressman now. He said he voted against the bill because he doesn’t support more paid time off for federal workers. Dr. Ronny represents a district in Texas, the same state that gave us Ted Cruz and Louie Gohmert.

Thomas Massie, a goober from Kentucky, said, “Naming this day ‘National Independence Day’ would create confusion and push Americans to pick one of those two days as their independence day based on their racial identity.” You mean, some Americans may not want to identify with the independence day that did not give their ancestors independence? Somebody get ahold of Representative Massie, grab both sides of his face, put your face within two inches of his, good god don’t kiss him, and repeat the last sentence.

At this point, I’m surprised Marjorie Taylor Greene didn’t vote against it because calling it “Independence day” will only distract us from the accomplishment of Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman repelling the 1995 alien invasion.

Here’s the thing about that: Americans are not forced to choose their independence day based on their race. That choice was made for them hundreds of years ago…and it was made by white people. You would know that if you took a real history course.

What Republicans don’t like about black history in America is that it’s American history. You can’t have American history without the contributions made by black Americans. And you don’t have it without the tragedy inflicted upon black Americans. Republicans don’t want it taught and they don’t want to acknowledge it.

Congressman Tom McClintock, who voted against the bill said, “I don’t believe it’s healthy to reach into the dead past, revive its most malevolent conflicts and reintroduce them into our age.” Ignorance isn’t healthy either, Congressman. Neither is stupidity and racism.

Matt Rosendale, who is, unfortunately for Montana, that state’s only congressperson, said, “This isn’t an effort to commemorate emancipation, it’s very clearly tied to the larger hard-left agenda to enshrine the racial history of this country as the prime aspect of our national story.” Hey, he gets it, or at least part of it.

YES! It is an agenda to enshrine the racial history of this country as an important aspect of our national story. Thanks for saying the quiet part out loud…and that you have a problem with black history, you fucking racist fuck.

Funny thing: None of these representatives has a problem with Christmas being a federal holiday even though it’s discriminatory on religion, gives federal workers another day off, and is based totally on myths. I mean, we don’t even know what day Jesus was actually born or if he was even Jesus. He could have been a guy who just preached a lot. At least with Juneteenth, we know what day that happened. Christmas may even be unconstitutional, but good luck to the politician who campaigns on that one. If you think they’re giving Ilhan Omar a hard time now, wait until you see what happens to the poor schmoe who promotes de-federalizing Christmas.

Christmas as a federal holiday is forcing non-Christians to acknowledge Christmas, which most probably don’t mind (just don’t make me eat ham or listen to Hall and Oates’ “Jingle Bell Rock” and we’re good). Now, Republicans are afraid Juneteenth will force white people to acknowledge black history while all along, they’ve been shoving white history down everyone’s throats. These same fuckers probably believe the battle of the Alamo was about a bunch of freedom-loving (slave-owning) Texans being persecuted by Mexico. By the way, John Wayne was a HUGE racist. Look into it.

If we ever successfully remove these racists, whether judging gymnastics, legislating history, or voting against black history in the United States Congress with excuses like it’s “weaponized” or “unhealthy,” that day will be our independence day. It’ll be the day we’re liberated from troglodyte knuckle-dragging cave-dwelling Cheesecake Factory-loving Fox News-watching racist assholes who all probably just rolled off their moms.

And that should be a federal holiday.

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Learning From Trump


CNN06222020
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When Donald Trump says, “Believe me,” it means he’s telling a lie. When Donald Trump says something is “beautiful,” it means it’s a train wrecking into a mountain of shit on fire. When Donald Trump says, “It will be like nothing anyone has ever seen,” that means you’ve seen it. And when Donald Trump says, “No one ever knew that before,” it means he just found out.
Donald Trump once told us Abraham Lincoln is a Republican and that “not a lot of people knew that.” I think everyone learns that by the second grade. He learned of Frederick Douglass and told us, “Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice.” I think he confused Frederick Douglass with Ben Carson. Now, Donald Trump is telling us he made Juneteenth famous.
Let’s be fair here. Maybe he did make more Americans aware of Juneteenth. Of course, I’m only talking about white Americans.  Donald Trump probably only became aware of Harriet Tubman after she was scheduled to replace his favorite racist president, Andrew Jackson, on the $20 bill, which he halted.
In case you’re playing catch-up, Juneteenth is recognized by black Americans as a holiday though it’s not a federal one. Soon, it will be. Either next year or in four. It’s a holiday because that’s when slaves in Texas found out about the Emancipation Proclamation and that they were free citizens. Of course, when they found this out, it was two years after the fact. Yes, our nation is racist and the fact this is not a holiday, in addition to Donald Trump being president (sic), proves that.
Donald Trump took credit for educating Americans about Juneteenth. Of course, that means he just found out about it and in an interview, he asked aides in the room if they were aware. A black Secret Service agent was aware and a white aide was too because she remembered the press release the White House issued for it in 2019. Donald Trump did not remember that. He was all like, we did that? For a black holiday? Quick…someone get me a $20.
If anyone learned of Juneteenth because of Donald Trump, it was inadvertent. Donald Trump did not set out to educate America about a piece of black American history, or as some people will call it, American history.
Did I know of Juneteenth before this year? Yes, I did. But in my defense, I’m smarter than most people. Just kidding. I was aware because I have to read stuff. I don’t consider it an accomplishment that I knew this as I’m kind of supposed to. I haven’t read a novel in five years but I have heard of Juneteenth. I will give you this, I had never heard this much discussion about it.
Now, one thing I did learn more about was the Tulsa race riot. I had heard of it before but not all the details. I had heard of Black Wall Street too.
But, someone at the Trump campaign knew about all this and it’s why they scheduled the rally on Juneteenth for Tulsa, which is in a very red state and where Donald Trump doesn’t need to rally (Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Florida, North Carolina would have each made more sense). Having the rally in Tulsa on Juneteenth was as much of a racist dog whistle as when Donald Trump talked last night about “heritage” and “kung flu.”
In addition to Juneteenth and the Tulsa race riot…and that Donald Trump and Brad Parscale can be easily outwitted by teenagers, we learned some other stuff last week. But maybe we learned more from John Bolton.
We learned of Chinese concentration camps for Muslims and that Donald Trump approved of them.
We learned Finland is in Russia but I hope you already knew that. Maybe Putin told Trump Finland was a part of Russia because Russia invaded Finland back in World War II (which put Finland, a Democracy even at that time, on the side of the Axis with Hitler even though all they did wrong was be next to Russia).
We learned that maybe the Supreme Court hates Trump. At least that’s what Trump claimed after SCOTUS ruled people can’t lose their jobs for being LGBTQ and in favor of DACA. We already knew Obama was a better president.
We learned England is a nuclear power. Well, I knew that. The other nuclear powers are the U.S, Russia, France, China, North Korea, Pakistan, India, and shhhhh, it’s a secret, Israel. But learning Donald Trump didn’t know this isn’t a surprise as he didn’t know the differences between England, the United Kingdom, and Britain. This guy didn’t know about the nuclear triad.
We learned Trump will ask China to help his reelection but that’s not a surprise as he’s already asked Russia and Ukraine. Who else has he asked? I’ll bet you a chicken chimichanga under a mountain of cheesy chili there are more.
We learned Donald Trump only cares about Donald Trump and will risk his supporters’ lives to hear an applause. Well, most of us already knew that too.
We learned about racist babies. What? Babies can’t be racist. What happened here is, Donald Trump took a loving video that made everyone in the world go, “dawwwwwwwwwwwwwww” while making a goofy face, of two toddlers, one black and the other white, running toward each other for a huge hug. It was adorable. Trump, took that video and made it appear as though it was a CNN broadcast of the white baby chasing the black baby with the tag, “racist baby probably a Trump supporter.” How fucking vile is that? One thing we didn’t learn is that Donald Trump is a low-life piece of crap. The families of the toddlers were highly upset and Twitter and Facebook removed it…eventually.
Trump also had a tweet removed from Facebook for using a Nazi symbol. A lot of people weren’t aware of that symbol but they are now. Haven’t seen it? I put it on the airplane in my last cartoon.
Donald Trump is appalling, evil, vile, gross, and disgusting. We already knew that. We also know he’s a fucking moron.
Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

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Trumping To Tulsa


cjones06152020

Donald Trump isn’t good at being subtle. Probably because he’s not very smart and he’s such hardcore racist, it’s hard to hide. When the man sends out a dog whistle, it’s not just the dogs who hear it. Everyone hears it and it’s the dogs who deny he ever sent it.

Donald Trump has decided to resume his hate rallies. Where will the hater-in-chief conduct his first post-pandemic rally? Tulsa, Oklahoma (Psst. Republicans, if you hit the ocean, you went in the wrong direction). When? It was scheduled for June 19th, or Juneteenth, the day that marks the end of slavery. Why Tulsa? Because Tulsa is the site of one of the nation’s most horrific attacks on a black community. Wink-wink. Nudge-nudge. Hoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwlllll!!!!!

On June 19, 1865, Union soldiers arrived in Texas and read the Emancipation Proclamation announcing President Abraham Lincoln had freed the slaves. Texas was the last Confederate state to receive the news. Today, Texas is still the last state that usually receives news. They still haven’t been informed of how creepy and icky Ted Cruz is. But Juneteenth is considered a major holiday by many black Americans and should be designated a federal holiday. It was a good day for this nation which is probably why Donald Trump wants to take a great big orange crap on it.

Donald Trump, the man behind calling for the execution of the Central Park 5, who turned out to be innocent (and he still hasn’t retracted his call for killing the black and Latino boys who were accused), who described countries where brown people come from as “shitholes,” who yelled for four brown women in Congress to “go back to where they came from,” who championed the racist birther movement, who called Mexicans “rapists and murderers,” and said “fine people” were marching among tiki-torch Nazis shouting “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us” told Fox News yesterday he’s done more for blacks than any president besides Abraham Lincoln. I think he’s confusing “for” with “to.”

He then said, “did good, although it’s always questionable.” Senator Kamala Harris said Trump holding a rally in Tulsa on Juneteenth, “Isn’t just a wink to white supremacists — he’s throwing them a welcome home party.” Saying that what Lincoln did was “questionable” is a freaking racist bullhorn. Donald Trump claimed he had not realized the meaning of the date but that people should think of the rally as a “celebration.” Fucking bullhorn, people.

He said, “The fact that I’m having a rally on that day, you can really think about that very positively as a celebration. There’s a rally, to me, is a celebration. It’s going to be really a celebration and it’s an interesting date. It wasn’t done for that reason, but it’s an interesting date. But it’s a celebration.”

Donald Trump has been racist America’s champion. He’s campaigning and talking to them. He’s their president, not yours. He’s not my president. My president doesn’t defend Confederate statues and refuses to even consider renaming U.S. military bases named after Confederate soldiers.

Now, Trump has bowed to pressure and is moving his rally from June 19 to June 20. Donald Trump’s failure to recognize the sensitivity is just another glaring example of how he’s failing America during this conversation on race after the cop murder of George Floyd.

He’s called protesters “terrorists.” He’s threatening to invade states and cities (remember when Republicans freaked out claiming Obama was going to invade and take Texas?). He’s calling himself the “law and order” president. He refuses to say systemic racism exists. He’s defending police saying, “99.9 percent of them are great, great people.” He’s created lies and conspiracy theories about antifa which have only proven false. He accused a 75-year-old man of being an “antifa agent provocateur.” He described chokeholds as “innocent” and “perfect.” He literally teargassed peaceful protesters to clear a path so he could walk to stage a photo-op with a Bible.

It’s not like Oklahoma is a swing state or that it’s the one that will push Joe Biden across the 270 electoral vote threshold. Donald Trump won Oklahoma by 36 points in 2016.

Oh, and for his Tulsa hate rally, he’s requiring everyone attending to sign a waiver promising not to sue him if they catch the coronavirus from the rally. Will there be pressure for attendees not to wear masks since Donald Trump refuses to wear one and has downplayed the virus? Why do people need to sign a waiver for something that’s a Democratic hoax?

I can’t think of a better way to stick it to the libs than attending a Trump rally without a mask and catching Covid-19. That’ll show us. I would warn you that by going to a Trump rally, you’re liable to catch something else.

But then again, if you’re going to a Trump rally to support Trump, you probably already got that virus.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.