Animatronics and Lickspittles


Do you know who respects ass kissers, suck ups, sycophants, brownnosers, teacher’s pets, and lickspittles? Nobody. Not even the person whose ass is getting kissed. Oh, sure. He may love it…but he doesn’t respect it.

Vice President Mike Pence has been on an ass-kissing tear ever since he was selected to be Trump’s veep. Every vice president praises their boss, but Pence has taken it to an embarrassing, disgusting, vomit-inducing level that would make Waylon Smithers and Eddie Haskel gag. Pence believes God has selected him for greatness that somehow entails selling his soul to the devil.

During Trump’s first cabinet meeting, each member praised Trump, who does love the praise. Pence was among that group, but during Wednesday’s cabinet meeting Pence took it upon himself to suck up for the entire room. According to The Washington Post, Pence spent three minutes with praise for Trump every 12 seconds. That’s a lot of ass kissing. It would have been more frequent if Pence didn’t have to occasionally remove his head from Trump’s ass to breathe.

From the Post, here’s the full list:

  1. “Thank you for seeing, through the course of this year, an agenda that truly is restoring this country.”
  2. “You described it very well, Mr. President.”
  3. “You’ve restored American credibility on the world stage.”
  4. “You’ve signed more bills rolling back federal red tape than any president in American history.”
  5. “You’ve unleashed American energy.”
  6. “You’ve spurred an optimism in this country that’s setting records.”
  7. “You promised the American people in that campaign a year ago that you would deliver historic tax cuts, and it would be a ‘middle-class miracle.’ And in just a short period of time, that promise will be fulfilled.”
  8. “I’m deeply humbled, as your vice president, to be able to be here.”
  9. “Because of your leadership, Mr. President, and because of the strong support of the leadership in the Congress of the United States, you’re delivering on that middle-class miracle.”
  10. “You’ve actually got the Congress to do, as you said, what they couldn’t do with [the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska] for 40 years.”
  11. “You got the Congress to do, with tax cuts for working families and American businesses, what they haven’t been able to do for 31 years.”
  12. “And you got Congress to do what they couldn’t do for seven years, in repealing the individual mandate in Obamacare.”
  13. “Mostly, Mr. President, I’ll end where I began and just tell you, I want to thank you, Mr. President. I want to thank you for speaking on behalf of and fighting every day for the forgotten men and women of America.”
  14. “Because of your determination, because of your leadership, the forgotten men and women of America are forgotten no more. And we are making America great again.

Do you feel like you need a shower? Trump probably needed a cigarette after that gratification. Pence’s day of booty-smooching wasn’t complete. There was that ceremony on the front lawn later in the day celebrating increasing the deficit and giving billionaires, and Trump, more of your money.

While Pence praised Trump the most (401 words), other Republicans joined him in the sycophancy. The Post, again, published a diagram of how much praise and thanks were offered.

Paul Ryan said, “Something this big, something this generational, something this profound, could not have been done without exquisite presidential leadership. Mr. President, thank you for getting us over the finish line. Thank you for getting us where we are.”

Representative Diane Black from Tennessee said, “I want to say thank you to Mr. President — thank you, President Trump, for allowing us to have you as our president and to make America great again.”

Utah Senator Orrin Hatch must have felt he was in competition with Pence. He said,

Mr. President, I have to say that you’re living up to every — everything I thought you would. You’re one heck of a leader and we’re all benefiting from it. This bill could not have passed without you…You stop and think about it, this president hasn’t even been in office for a year, and look at all the things that he’s been able to get done, by sheer will in many ways. I just hope that we all get behind him every way we can. I have to say that this is one of the great privileges of my life, to stand here on the White House lawn with the president of the United States, who I love and appreciate so much…We’re going to make this the greatest presidency that we’ve seen not only in generations, but maybe ever.”

What really ridiculous about all this is that Trump doesn’t need all these people to kiss his ass. He kisses his own ass.

But, again. No one likes an ass kisser. They’re pathetic. Nobody likes a person who sheds their dignity and is willing to debase themselves. They’re up to something, and they feel their suckling compensates for their lack of ability. The thing is, it’s never genuine. It’s dishonest which means the kisser is lying.

The worst part to me, other than just how nauseating it is, is that Trump hasn’t done anything worthy of the ass kissing. He’s a horrible person who doesn’t know how to conduct himself in a professional or even a decent manner. He can’t even behave like a human being. Does Pence go to the zoo to tell the monkeys how great they are at flinging poo and touching themselves?

How does Pence even look at himself in the mirror after such a public debasement? Can he not see from inside his bubble the appearance he’s given that he’s sacrificed all his dignity?

So, just what is Pence angling for? The car keys this weekend? A better room rate at Mar-a-Lago? A promotion? He’s already vice president so what job is there he can be promoted to….oh.

Mike Pence is the only politician that makes me change the channel. I know when he talks that he’s going to publicly blow Trump and make me nauseous in the process. If you’re even looking for his lips, you can find them on Trump’s ass. Trump’s ass sees more of Pence’s lips than a toilet seat.

The United State’s does not need a narcissistic authoritarian whose insecurities require sycophants to constantly praise him. This isn’t North Korea and Trump isn’t our Dear Leader.

And next time all these turds feel the demand or whatever freaking impulse it is to brown nose Donald Trump, they should spare the rest of us from the retching display…and get a room.

By the way, Sarah Huckabee Sanders gave a short speech on how wonderful it was Trump was honored by Disney with an animatronic Trump. There have been debates over who it looks like because it doesn’t look like Trump. Some say Jon Voight while others say the late great Peter Boyle. The working theory is that they were prepared to Hillary Clinton to win and had already built it. So, they merely sprayed it orange, put a bad wig on it and made it an asshole.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.



  1. “Do you feel like you need a shower?“

    I feel like I need my stomach pumped, a high colonic, a strong diuretic, sinuses and ears flushed, (if I was a woman, a douche), a very hot shower using Lava soap all over, an extended confessional with a priest (I’m not even Catholic), and a prolonged dip in a Mikvah (look it up).

    Liked by 1 person

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