Equifax Hack


Equifax is one of the nation’s top three credit reporting agencies. Their joke of a security system allowed hackers to steal data from millions of consumers. Hackers got away with names, addresses, social security and driver license numbers, credit ratings, etc.

Richard Smith is the chief executive and chairman of the Equifax board. In 2016, his salary was over $16 million, which part of that was for the bang-up job he performed in securing consumers’ private information. What do you want to bet that guy’s data was not among the millions breached? Though, I kinda doubt he’s ever needed to produce his credit to purchase a Prius.

How bad do you expect the company to be punished by federal regulators? Over the past few years, Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion (the three big I-got-your-shit companies) were fined $3 million. That was between the three companies, not $3 million apiece. I’m sure whatever punishment Equifax receives, that they’ll be able to swing it.

These companies don’t really work for you and me. They work for the companies that you need to loan you money, and Equifax gives them your information. So, if you’re thinking the data breach doesn’t affect you, it may. If you have ever applied for credit then Equifax probably has your information.

But, Equifax is going to make up for it. Along with an “our bad,” they’re offering to freeze your credit for thirty days at no cost to you. Wow! Thirty days before hackers, who already have your information, will be able to get it again. Thanks, Equifax!

Of course, if you call Equifax for this service, they’ll tell you to call another number, who will tell you to call another number, who will then tell you to call the first number. But, you’ll get to enjoy a lot of jazzy saxophone music while you’re on hold, so it’s a win-win for everyone. Personally, I think the on-hold music should be Rage Against The Machine.

You can call Equifax to find out if there’s a possibility your data is among the stolen. But, the only sure way to find out is to monitor your credit and see if someone buys a sailboat in your name in the next few months. That will probably mean someone has stolen your credit. Hey, one great way to monitor your credit is to use a credit service…which is being offered free for a year by Equifax…the same fuckers who just gave your shit away.

I’m kinda hoping that if my information was stolen, that the hackers will improve my credit. I doubt they can make it worse.

Creative note: I wasn’t sure about this cartoon. It’s not my usual kind of weird. It uses a metaphor the way other cartoonists will work them. There’s nothing wrong with that except that it’s just not my usual thing. I do expect a lot of my newspaper clients to like it, as it’s not really dangerous and it’s not on Donald Trump. In fact, before I had time to finish writing this column an editor wrote me expressing his pleasure with it. This cartoon can’t piss off anybody, except maybe firemen. Firemen are the most triggered snowflakes when it comes to getting upset over a cartoon. Second place belongs to Catholics. I know this from experience.

Once, a fire chief called my newspaper and told my editor that he was so angry over one of my cartoons, that he ripped out the paper box thing at the front of his driveway and threw it into the street. I told my editor to call him back and tell him that won’t stop his newspaper from arriving. He’d have to actually call to cancel his subscription.

I had to go to court right after I moved to Virginia to testify as a witness because I saw a guy hit his girlfriend outside a bar (first week I moved here too). The other witness was a very large fireman. Like in that Men At Work song, he was six foot four and full of muscle. He heard I worked at the newspaper and said to me, “I hope you’re not that freaking cartoonist.” I took a good look at him, firmly stood my ground and said, “Nope. I can’t stand that jerk.” We laughed, and then he said, “You know, for a second I was kinda afraid you were going to say yes and then I would have been embarrassed. What would the odds be on you actually being the cartoonist?” I told him they were actually pretty good.

So, if the cartoon doesn’t piss off firemen, then this column just did.

I don’t know what it’s going to be yet, but my next cartoon might be really weird.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.


  1. “Firemen are the most triggered snowflakes when it comes to getting upset over a cartoon. Second place belongs to Catholics. I know this from experience.”

    Considering the large percentage of firemen (and police) in the I-95 Corridor who are Irish, Italian, or Hispanic, I would say that this quote is kind of redundant.


  2. Since all 3 firemen in the cartoon are clearly labeled “Equifax” I don’t see how any real firemen can be offended.

    Also, although (as far as we KNOW) only Equifax has been hacked to this extent, you could have labeled each fireman as one of the Big Three (Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion) since we know how much they care about the average consumer.


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