Cyber Security

Hack Of The Penguins


Republicans love to chant “lock her up” about Hillary Clinton. They really want to send her to prison. Perhaps they’ve been chanting the chant for so long that they’ve forgotten why they want to “lock her up.”

During her tenure as Secretary of State, Clinton used a private server for her government emails. Many people feel this server was vulnerable to hacking by foreign governments. The FBI investigated then declined to press charges. They made a big deal about it days before the election. Despite this, Republicans and Trump sycophants still want to see her in a prison jumpsuit. Why? Because they’re assholes. It’s definitely not because they take the security of government secrets seriously.

If they did take it seriously, they’d be outraged that Donald Trump has continued to expose himself to foreign spies after being warned time and time again. Why? Because he’s too damn lazy to follow protocol.

The government supplies Trump with secure phones which they replace about every thirty days. Obama complained about the phones because there’s not much you can do with them. He joked that they were like toy phones you would give to a child. Now, the child in the White House refuses to use those phones or the secure landline provided to him in the White House. He insists on using his own iPhone.

For a guy who hasn’t figured out how to close an umbrella, new technology can be challenging. But, how difficult can it be to use the landline when calling your rich jerkwad buddies and Sean Hannity for late-night gossip sessions? Oh yeah. Because he doesn’t want records on whom he’s talking to. Frankly, I wouldn’t want anyone to know I was watching Hannity less enough talking to him.

But, since he is using an unsecured phone, it’s not just likely that he’s being spied on by foreign governments. He is being spied on by foreign governments. According to The New York Times, by the Russians and the Chinese. The Russians are spying to check in on their investment and the Chinese are using it to manipulate him as they have financial interests in many of the people Trump chooses to talk to.

The only silver lining in all of this is that Donald Trump may be too stupid to retain national security secrets for long periods of time. So, what the spies are mostly hearing is what we’re hearing. They’re getting a lot of conspiracy theories, bigotry, and Trump talking about how great Trump is. They’re probably also getting a lot of “the entire world is mean to me.” I kinda feel sorry for the spies on the Trump iPhone detail. I learned English for this?

Trump tweeted out a denial stating, “The so-called experts on Trump over at the New York Times wrote a long and boring article on my cellphone usage that is so incorrect I do not have time here to correct it. I only use Government Phones, and have only one seldom used government cell phone. Story is soooo wrong!” Naturally, the tweet was sent from an iPhone.

The Chinese didn’t even bother to deny the report and instead, offered some advice. Their foreign minister said, “If they are worrying about iPhones being tapped, they can use Huawei.” Huawei is a Chinese-made cell phone.

As for the penguins, who are further south than South America? Trump stated there were people in the caravan from South America and further south. Huh? Someone should show him a map and explain that big white area at the bottom below South America is Antarctica.

I know it’s really hard to keep track of the lies about the caravan. They’re full of gang bangers and Islamic terrorists invading us by slowing walking over 2,000 miles toward our border to give each of us leprosy. Never mind the fact most won’t make it, or that this is a small drop in the immigration bucket if they do actually make through the border.

Another little factoid the sycophants are overlooking is that the people in the caravan actually have the right to come to our border and request asylum. Personally, if someone is willing to leave their home and walk over 2,000 miles to give their children a slight chance of living in the United States, we should hear them out. I think that’s a greater character trait than sitting on a Gab hate forum all day talking about shooting up synagogues or mailing pipe bombs to Trump’s critics.

We don’t need protection from an immigrant caravan that poses no risks to this nation. We need protection from Trump.

Be Complicit
What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
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Equifax Hack


Equifax is one of the nation’s top three credit reporting agencies. Their joke of a security system allowed hackers to steal data from millions of consumers. Hackers got away with names, addresses, social security and driver license numbers, credit ratings, etc.

Richard Smith is the chief executive and chairman of the Equifax board. In 2016, his salary was over $16 million, which part of that was for the bang-up job he performed in securing consumers’ private information. What do you want to bet that guy’s data was not among the millions breached? Though, I kinda doubt he’s ever needed to produce his credit to purchase a Prius.

How bad do you expect the company to be punished by federal regulators? Over the past few years, Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion (the three big I-got-your-shit companies) were fined $3 million. That was between the three companies, not $3 million apiece. I’m sure whatever punishment Equifax receives, that they’ll be able to swing it.

These companies don’t really work for you and me. They work for the companies that you need to loan you money, and Equifax gives them your information. So, if you’re thinking the data breach doesn’t affect you, it may. If you have ever applied for credit then Equifax probably has your information.

But, Equifax is going to make up for it. Along with an “our bad,” they’re offering to freeze your credit for thirty days at no cost to you. Wow! Thirty days before hackers, who already have your information, will be able to get it again. Thanks, Equifax!

Of course, if you call Equifax for this service, they’ll tell you to call another number, who will tell you to call another number, who will then tell you to call the first number. But, you’ll get to enjoy a lot of jazzy saxophone music while you’re on hold, so it’s a win-win for everyone. Personally, I think the on-hold music should be Rage Against The Machine.

You can call Equifax to find out if there’s a possibility your data is among the stolen. But, the only sure way to find out is to monitor your credit and see if someone buys a sailboat in your name in the next few months. That will probably mean someone has stolen your credit. Hey, one great way to monitor your credit is to use a credit service…which is being offered free for a year by Equifax…the same fuckers who just gave your shit away.

I’m kinda hoping that if my information was stolen, that the hackers will improve my credit. I doubt they can make it worse.

Creative note: I wasn’t sure about this cartoon. It’s not my usual kind of weird. It uses a metaphor the way other cartoonists will work them. There’s nothing wrong with that except that it’s just not my usual thing. I do expect a lot of my newspaper clients to like it, as it’s not really dangerous and it’s not on Donald Trump. In fact, before I had time to finish writing this column an editor wrote me expressing his pleasure with it. This cartoon can’t piss off anybody, except maybe firemen. Firemen are the most triggered snowflakes when it comes to getting upset over a cartoon. Second place belongs to Catholics. I know this from experience.

Once, a fire chief called my newspaper and told my editor that he was so angry over one of my cartoons, that he ripped out the paper box thing at the front of his driveway and threw it into the street. I told my editor to call him back and tell him that won’t stop his newspaper from arriving. He’d have to actually call to cancel his subscription.

I had to go to court right after I moved to Virginia to testify as a witness because I saw a guy hit his girlfriend outside a bar (first week I moved here too). The other witness was a very large fireman. Like in that Men At Work song, he was six foot four and full of muscle. He heard I worked at the newspaper and said to me, “I hope you’re not that freaking cartoonist.” I took a good look at him, firmly stood my ground and said, “Nope. I can’t stand that jerk.” We laughed, and then he said, “You know, for a second I was kinda afraid you were going to say yes and then I would have been embarrassed. What would the odds be on you actually being the cartoonist?” I told him they were actually pretty good.

So, if the cartoon doesn’t piss off firemen, then this column just did.

I don’t know what it’s going to be yet, but my next cartoon might be really weird.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.