Naughty With A Long Neck


April is a giraffe at the Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York. April is expecting a baby. The park is running a live cam of April so the world can watch her give birth. Apparently some people didn’t like it.

The cam is live streaming on Youtube. Some people who hate zoos and animal parks flagged the video for, I’m not making this up, “nudity and sexual content.” They might have a point there because April is indeed naked. And do you know how she got knocked up? By doing it. It was probably unplanned casual giraffe sex. Do we know who the father is? Probably that one giraffe who never calls.

Two things: You really gotta be a sick pervert to think there’s something erotic about a naked giraffe. I know there are bestiality freaks on the internet so, ew. The other thing is, birth is not sexual content. I’ve been in a delivery room and while my son is not a giraffe, I can assure you, there’s nothing that can kill your libido more than a live birth. You’re fortunate if you can even look at those things again.

I do not want to see April give birth. It’s not that I think it’s wrong to show it to the public or I’m against zoos. It’s that I’m a wimp. I never want to see another birth ever again in my life. I don’t even want to watch an egg hatch. I am a squeamish wimp.

I know a lot of people, liberals especially, are against zoos. I’m not one of them. Sure, there are bad zoos and facilities that aren’t responsible. It would be better if every animal was allowed to remain in their natural habitat. But some natural habitats pose serious risks to animals, such as poaching. Also, zoos deserve a lot of credit for preventing several species from becoming extinct.

Back to April: People can be stupid. One of the officials at the park said “This is a perfect example of why we can’t have nice things.” He’s right. It’s because of stupid people. Because of them we can’t allow children to use restrooms without being bullied, can’t have a federal government without Nazis running it, or even have a nice president.

Good luck, April. Try not to stick your neck out too far.

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